Dear Dotty,
Oh.My.Gosh. I am at a complete loss for words. I recently started working at a new job. It has been pretty good so far. I love to meet people, so it has been nice in that aspect. However, I met a boy there. He is nice. He started talking to me. I figured it was him trying to be friendly. I like having friends, so I talked back. He invited me over one night for dinner. Me (being a dumb girl) kind of assumed it was just one of those "hang out" situations. Well...false. Over the course of the night it became a date. Home girl say what? Yeah. A date. I thought it was just going to be dinner, but then he bounced us around from activity to activity. What I thought would last two hours max, turned into four. The thing is, I don't feel that way about him...at all. I'm pretty sure he feels that way about me though. So what is a girl to do? Well obviously I don't want to lead him on. He invited me over the next night, but I was "busy". The guy just wouldn't give up. He kept pushing for me to come... and I kept standing firm in my resolve to not go. Then he did the unthinkable. He went "there". He committed a major party foul. He sent me a text message with lyrics to a love song in them. Yep. True story. So how did I react? Well first of all, I was thoroughly creeped out. I didn't even respond. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not only has he ruined a perfectly cute, adorable and nice love song, but he has made me feel weird and awkward. So what do I do now? We work together. I don't want to see him or talk to him because I'm afraid I will somehow give him false hope. I can't just be rude to his face. How do I handle that?
I...just died. My heart literally stopped. Mostly because my ticker couldn't handle the hilariousness of your situation. Admit it... this is pretty funny. You know what would have made it better? If he had actually recorded himself singing it and then sent it to you. Then it could be at least a semi-serenade. Seriously, boys are sooooooo dumb. They don't understand anything at all. In fact, I can guarantee that the reason there are married/dating/engaged men is because the chick had to plan everything out step by step. We're smart about it. We put it all together, but let them think they were the ones to do it. In reality, if it weren't for us they would be lost. They would be chillin' on their blow up chairs, watching reruns of Jerry Springer and balancing bowls of chips on their stomachs. Every once in awhile you have a rebel. One who likes to go outside of the social norm. The free thinker. That is what we have in your case. He thought he would be "cute" and send you a flirty/love declaring message. He'd be wrong. Instead, he sent a giant flashing neon sign as to why there is no way in "H" you would date him. Okay, I know I'm being overly harsh. Boys aren't really that bad blah blah blah. But seriously, this was kind of an awful move. He managed to not only A) make you stear clear of his direction but he also B) probably ruined a perfectly decent song for you. One time Bobby Crandall wrote me a note with the lyrics to "You Light Up My Life" in them in an attempt to woo me. Never. I'm a pretty forgiving person, but even that was too much to handle. You've got to keep doing what you're doing...and then a little more. If he invites you to do something (especially just the two of you), then you have plans... even if they are made up. Make sure to drop the "F" word... No, not that one. The other one... friend. Pull it out every chance you have. "Why hello friend", "Hey, friend", "You're such a good friend", "I'm glad I have a friend like you that I have no desire to date, kiss or procreate with"... you know. Just subtle messages like those. If he keeps pursuing, then eventually you will have to meet the problem head on. Just tell him you don't like him like that and then continue on your merry way. It may be awkard, but odds are high that he will get over it. Plus, it is only awkward if you make it that way. So good luck. Stand firm. Word.
Dotty,
p.s. you never said what song he actually sent you. So I'm going to let my imagination run wild and say it was Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On". The only thing more tragic than that song is the movie "Titanic"... I would have wanted that ship to sink if they were playing that song over the loud speaker.
May 23, 2011
April 7, 2011
Dear Dotty, Just recently I've determined that I am probably one of the creepiest creepos. Ever. That sentence right there is probably making you question whether or not you should keep reading or just ignore this message. Keep reading. I promise it will all make sense. Last week I met a boy. We hit it off. We talked. We laughed. We met through another friend of ours. I thought for sure we had a connection. That is why I was all for my friend giving this boy my number. That was four whole days ago. I've been anxiously checking my phone, facebook, e-mail, anything...just any sign that he has tried to contact me. Sadly, there has been no sign of contact on his part. I don't know why it is driving me crazy, but it is. All I can think is that maybe he didn't really want to be my friend. Maybe he was just being polite. Barf. I hate when boys do that. Don't beat around the bush you sissy weed monkey. Just tell me you don't like me. That way it wouldn't be awkward if I just happened to grab your face and kiss the crap out of you. Yeah, I thought about doing that, okay? Is there anything wrong with that? Anyway, now I'm left wondering if I should just drop the whole thing and keep going about my day. Or... maybe, just maybe, I should just be a little more assertive. Should I ask my friend to give him a gentle little nudge? Should I ask her to have him write me, call me, anything??? I'm just so confused. Please help a sister out. I'm probably just being a dumb girl. Thanks, Anxiously Awaiting Dear AA.... Yeah, as in Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought it was very fitting. If you're acting like this and you're not drunk, then I can't even imagine how wild and crazy you would get with a little whiskey in you. You're correct, I read that first sentence and immediately put a giant X on your name. I had just marked your message and was on my way to the delete button where your question would have died an eternal and electronic death, but something caught my eye. Sissy weed monkey. I was confused and inspired all at the same time. I decided to look it up. You know what I got? Nothing. So what did I do? I looked the three words up separately. Sissy(n.): 1. an effeminate boy or man. 2. a timid or cowardly person. 3. a little girl. Weed(n): 1. a valueless plant growing wild. 2. any undesirable or troublesome plant, especially one that grows profusely where it is not wanted. My personal favorite. The sixth definition of weed... 6. a wretched or useless animal. Monkey(n.): 3. a person likened to such an animal, as a mischievous, agile child or mimic. Suddenly, my life makes so much sense. How were you able to pick out the three words in the English language that describe the male persuasion so perfectly? So, thank your lucky stars that you were inspired. If you hadn't used those three words and in that exact order... well, I wouldn't be writing this. You'd still be the creepy girl who wants to make out with a perfect stranger. Okay, I must confess. I've had that same desire. I sat two rows in front of a boy in my class for a whole semester. I never talked to him. I would just occasionally stare...and frequently day dream about grabbing him by the head and just planting a woozer of a kiss on his sweet lips. Don't worry. I never actually gave in to my temptations. You want my advice? Calm the heck down, child. You just met the guy like five days ago. Who knows? He could totally want to be your friend, but he is probably just taking his time. Because it has only been FIVE DAYS! Do I need to repeat that? I hope not because I really hate writing in all caps. It is so annoying, but you seem like the all caps writing type, so I decided to play to my audience. I say give it some time before you talk to your friend. You don't want to make them think that you're a psycho stalker as well as this dude that has you so infatuated. I'm going to say something that I absolutely despise when people say it to me. However, when it comes to saying it to other people... well, I really don't care if you hate it. I know... it is kind of mean, but I'm kind of mean. Here it goes. You need to just let things happen. If something is going to happen, then it will. Don't try and force things. The second you try and control every little detail that is when everything hits the fan. Doesn't that just make you so frustrated?! You probably hate that I just said that to you, but like I said... I don't care. I actually feel a great deal of pleasure saying it. Usually when people are telling us that it is because it is true. Like that one time I wrote a letter to John Stamos telling him we needed to get married. That is a perfect example of me trying to force things. If I'm meant to marry Johnny boy, then I will. Until then, I will relax. I will sit at home in my wedding dress, patiently waiting while watching episodes of Full House. What can I say? That Uncle Jesse mullet really gets to me. So... for at least a couple of weeks (maybe even a month) let things just settle. Then if one day you still feel like you want to have his babies... I mean talk to him and be his friend, that is when you can talk to your friend about it. Good luck and God speed! Sincerely, Dotty Mae P.S. The creater of blogger must be a sissy weed monkey... that can be the only explanation as to why it won't put my post into friggen paragraphs.
March 2, 2011
Dear Dotty,
There must have been a full moon, Friday the 13th, time warp, or a BOGO sale at Payless or something. There had to have been some cosmic shift in the universe to explain the recent happenings in my life. I despise boys. They have it so easy. They can wake up, roll out of bed, scrounge up a pit stained t-shirt and be on their merry way...and look GOOD. They don't have to shower, dress well or put on make up. Males are just naturally beautiful. It is this reason that as well as having a burning hatred for men, I also have a deep, soul filling love. Gag. Boys can do "ugly" things (not wearing deodorant, farting, talking about poop, etc.) and come out looking oh so lovely. As females, we flock to them and they enjoy it. I decided to do a little experiment. For one month ( and one month only) I would adopt their "ugly" behaviors. My daily schedule went from waking up, primping and putting on a ridiculously cute/thought out outfit (usually planned a couple days in advance) to something completely opposite. I woke up (usually 10 minutes before I had to be to class). I got dressed in the dark. I brushed my teeth and then walked out of the house. Dotty, I looked like a wet kitten. I was a hot mess up and down and back again. Most days I was lucky if I got my hair brushed. I think I even wore the same outfit for a week straight (getting dressed in the dark is harder, not to mention more dangerous, than I thought). I thought for sure boys would be absolutely repulsed just being within the same time zone as me. Boy, was I surprised. By the end of week one I had been asked out on three dates. By the end of week two I had 4 boys ask me to be their girlfriend. This type of stuff kept happening the whole month. What in the heck is up with that? I look and smell like putrid broccoli and I have boys beating down my door. Have I found the secret to dating? Are boys so disgusting that what they are attracted to is a filth equal (if not greater) to theirs? My month is up. I don't know if I could have handled another two shower week. What should I expect now that my experiment is over? My first week back is already significantly different than my first week as a nasty sewer rat. I don't have any dates lined up, but at least I can say I'm wearing a fresh pair of undies.
The Dirty Dame
Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You didn't change your underthings every day? Not even every other day? Listen, I'm all for a good experiment, but that is how you get diseases. Go to the doctor. Like right now. Once I work through my gag reflexes I can tell you that you bring up a valid point. Sometimes (not all the time!) boys are quite disgusting. Think about it... they can be clueless about hygiene, but they still look attractive. They can wake up and smell like a hot fart, but the girls will still love them. They don't care about impressing anybody. But on the flip side we have girls... oh how stupid and shallow we can be. Girls put so much effort into how they look for two reasons and two reasons only. 1) to impress boys and 2) to make other girls jealous. Yep, we are pretty pathetic. I'm a firm believer that boys really do have the upper hand when it comes to dating. They know girls are dumb. They know that they put so much effort into getting their attention and they know that girls will rip another girl's hair out just to get noticed by a male. It is really quite annoying. So, as a girl, I applaud and thank you for throwing a wrench into their plans. You went where not many would dare to go or even think about. You went ugly. You adopted the most disgusting and horrific behaviors. You were soooo nasty that the boys started to notice. You could have asked one to "pull my finger" and he probably would have returned your question with a marriage proposal. You threw off their equilibrium. You completely botched their plans. You totally confused them ( let's face it...that isn't too hard to do). They were left to wonder about the mysterious, smelly he-woman. For that brief period of time you were so foreign to them and they liked it. They wanted to get to know the interesting, hairy she beast. Do you understand how much power you have? Gosh... I'm kind of jealous. They are like putty in your hand now. Boys flocked to you because you weren't trying so hard. You weren't acting so desperate. You said in your letter that you hate boys...and honestly, you were kind of acting like it. So what was their goal? To woo you and make you like them. This is a very good lesson you learned. I'm not saying you should ever adopt those nasty skunk habits again. But maybe you should try and avoid the other extreme too. So what if you don't plan your outfit three months in advance? Maybe you don't need to do your hair like you're about to go to prom. Try and find a happy medium. I think what needs to happen is for your primped prom queen side and your dirty sewer trash side to meet and be friends. Grime down the stuck up snob and spruce up the dumpster diving hobo. I think this will make it so the boys have to put at least an inch of effort in, rather than them sitting on their lazy (and probably dirty) behinds.
Dotty
There must have been a full moon, Friday the 13th, time warp, or a BOGO sale at Payless or something. There had to have been some cosmic shift in the universe to explain the recent happenings in my life. I despise boys. They have it so easy. They can wake up, roll out of bed, scrounge up a pit stained t-shirt and be on their merry way...and look GOOD. They don't have to shower, dress well or put on make up. Males are just naturally beautiful. It is this reason that as well as having a burning hatred for men, I also have a deep, soul filling love. Gag. Boys can do "ugly" things (not wearing deodorant, farting, talking about poop, etc.) and come out looking oh so lovely. As females, we flock to them and they enjoy it. I decided to do a little experiment. For one month ( and one month only) I would adopt their "ugly" behaviors. My daily schedule went from waking up, primping and putting on a ridiculously cute/thought out outfit (usually planned a couple days in advance) to something completely opposite. I woke up (usually 10 minutes before I had to be to class). I got dressed in the dark. I brushed my teeth and then walked out of the house. Dotty, I looked like a wet kitten. I was a hot mess up and down and back again. Most days I was lucky if I got my hair brushed. I think I even wore the same outfit for a week straight (getting dressed in the dark is harder, not to mention more dangerous, than I thought). I thought for sure boys would be absolutely repulsed just being within the same time zone as me. Boy, was I surprised. By the end of week one I had been asked out on three dates. By the end of week two I had 4 boys ask me to be their girlfriend. This type of stuff kept happening the whole month. What in the heck is up with that? I look and smell like putrid broccoli and I have boys beating down my door. Have I found the secret to dating? Are boys so disgusting that what they are attracted to is a filth equal (if not greater) to theirs? My month is up. I don't know if I could have handled another two shower week. What should I expect now that my experiment is over? My first week back is already significantly different than my first week as a nasty sewer rat. I don't have any dates lined up, but at least I can say I'm wearing a fresh pair of undies.
The Dirty Dame
Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You didn't change your underthings every day? Not even every other day? Listen, I'm all for a good experiment, but that is how you get diseases. Go to the doctor. Like right now. Once I work through my gag reflexes I can tell you that you bring up a valid point. Sometimes (not all the time!) boys are quite disgusting. Think about it... they can be clueless about hygiene, but they still look attractive. They can wake up and smell like a hot fart, but the girls will still love them. They don't care about impressing anybody. But on the flip side we have girls... oh how stupid and shallow we can be. Girls put so much effort into how they look for two reasons and two reasons only. 1) to impress boys and 2) to make other girls jealous. Yep, we are pretty pathetic. I'm a firm believer that boys really do have the upper hand when it comes to dating. They know girls are dumb. They know that they put so much effort into getting their attention and they know that girls will rip another girl's hair out just to get noticed by a male. It is really quite annoying. So, as a girl, I applaud and thank you for throwing a wrench into their plans. You went where not many would dare to go or even think about. You went ugly. You adopted the most disgusting and horrific behaviors. You were soooo nasty that the boys started to notice. You could have asked one to "pull my finger" and he probably would have returned your question with a marriage proposal. You threw off their equilibrium. You completely botched their plans. You totally confused them ( let's face it...that isn't too hard to do). They were left to wonder about the mysterious, smelly he-woman. For that brief period of time you were so foreign to them and they liked it. They wanted to get to know the interesting, hairy she beast. Do you understand how much power you have? Gosh... I'm kind of jealous. They are like putty in your hand now. Boys flocked to you because you weren't trying so hard. You weren't acting so desperate. You said in your letter that you hate boys...and honestly, you were kind of acting like it. So what was their goal? To woo you and make you like them. This is a very good lesson you learned. I'm not saying you should ever adopt those nasty skunk habits again. But maybe you should try and avoid the other extreme too. So what if you don't plan your outfit three months in advance? Maybe you don't need to do your hair like you're about to go to prom. Try and find a happy medium. I think what needs to happen is for your primped prom queen side and your dirty sewer trash side to meet and be friends. Grime down the stuck up snob and spruce up the dumpster diving hobo. I think this will make it so the boys have to put at least an inch of effort in, rather than them sitting on their lazy (and probably dirty) behinds.
Dotty
February 17, 2011
Dotty,
My heart is all a flutter. I don't know how to control it. My palms are constantly sweaty, my heart bounces around like a ping pong ball and suddenly all I want to do is smile. I thought I experienced complete happiness when I found the perfect (yes..truly perfect) pair of heels, but that doesn't even compare to how I'm feeling. I think I may or may not have found the boy I may or may not end up marrying. But my judgements may or may not be a little off kilter given my current condition. I've met a boy. He is super. He is nice, smart, funny, handsome and has the kindest eyes I've ever seen. He is even a little exotic. He grew up in Alaska. How cool is that? No one lives in Alaska. he can probably skin a bear with his teeth. A week ago I was 110% confident that he was interested back, but now I'm not so sure. He was talking to me a lot and acting like he actually enjoyed it. He even texted me first! He stopped by my apartment the other day. but then one day a bunch of us were out somewhere and he talks to pretty much everyone BUT me. Correction... pretty much every girl. Maybe he is just real friendly. Maybe he mistook me for a sad, lonely girl with only her great shoe collection to keep her company. I try to remain calm in all situations, but usually my efforts are for naught. What in the world should I do? Do I just give up and distance myself? do I keep making an effort but stay subtle about it? do I go to the nearest shoe store and attempt to find another perfect pair of shoes to fill the void in my heart? Please respond immediately before I go completely insane.
Sincerely,
Head over High Heels
Hol-ee cow, child! You need to calm the heck down. I got a panic attack just reading the tale of your woes. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually be you. First I want to address your sweaty palms. Often times this is a clinical condition. A real quick trip to the doctor's and that can be sorted out. I had a boyfriend with sweaty palms once. It was like holding hands with a walrus. They are wet animals, right? Or was my ex-boyfriend with the handlebar mustache the walrus? oh gosh... now I'm confused. This is going to bug me, but I will try to get back on track. Second concern I have...perfect heels are like unicorns. They don't exist. Just like looking for a four leaf clover, you can look for hours on end to find "perfect" heels, but your efforts will not be rewarded. I'm sure shoes is not your major concern right now. I'm sure all you really care about is figuring out this boy conundrum. Let me be honest, as smart as I am I will never be able to fully solve a boy problem. I can't tell you what they are thinking. It is safe to say you can narrow it down to food, sports or gas, but even then you just have to guess. As for your particular boy...well that is a toughy. There are some people out there who are truly just kind souls. I love those kind of people. Maybe that is because I'm not one of them. At the same time, just because someone is kind doesn't mean they have to go out of their way to talk to you. Someone is kind because they don't punch an annoying person in the throat (I'm not speaking from personal experience). Someone is kind because they refrain from yelling at someone who cuts them off (okay, I'm totally justified on this one). Anyway, what I'm getting at is he kind of went out of his way to talk to you and then he kept talking to you. He could have said hello and then goodbye in 2 minutes and been on his merry way. Don't count this young chap out yet. You did just meet him like 2 hours ago. Maybe you just need to relax and take your time. What is up with all these pushy girls lately? You meet a boy and expect to fall in love and get married within a week. Just take deep breaths. Everything will be okay. I hope I was able to stop any major panic attack or coronary. Hey, you're a lot better off than some girls. You at least have a pile of shoes to drown your depression in.
Dotty
P.S. I was going to be nice and not talk about Alaska, but I would be letting a golden opportunity pass. Alaska is exotic... minus the whole exotic part. Just because he lives in a part of the world where there is a bigger population of fish than people does not mean he is exotic. It means he is lonely and anti social. Maybe you should try Ireland. They may drink like fish, but the accent and ginger locks of lovely hair is so worth it.
My heart is all a flutter. I don't know how to control it. My palms are constantly sweaty, my heart bounces around like a ping pong ball and suddenly all I want to do is smile. I thought I experienced complete happiness when I found the perfect (yes..truly perfect) pair of heels, but that doesn't even compare to how I'm feeling. I think I may or may not have found the boy I may or may not end up marrying. But my judgements may or may not be a little off kilter given my current condition. I've met a boy. He is super. He is nice, smart, funny, handsome and has the kindest eyes I've ever seen. He is even a little exotic. He grew up in Alaska. How cool is that? No one lives in Alaska. he can probably skin a bear with his teeth. A week ago I was 110% confident that he was interested back, but now I'm not so sure. He was talking to me a lot and acting like he actually enjoyed it. He even texted me first! He stopped by my apartment the other day. but then one day a bunch of us were out somewhere and he talks to pretty much everyone BUT me. Correction... pretty much every girl. Maybe he is just real friendly. Maybe he mistook me for a sad, lonely girl with only her great shoe collection to keep her company. I try to remain calm in all situations, but usually my efforts are for naught. What in the world should I do? Do I just give up and distance myself? do I keep making an effort but stay subtle about it? do I go to the nearest shoe store and attempt to find another perfect pair of shoes to fill the void in my heart? Please respond immediately before I go completely insane.
Sincerely,
Head over High Heels
Hol-ee cow, child! You need to calm the heck down. I got a panic attack just reading the tale of your woes. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually be you. First I want to address your sweaty palms. Often times this is a clinical condition. A real quick trip to the doctor's and that can be sorted out. I had a boyfriend with sweaty palms once. It was like holding hands with a walrus. They are wet animals, right? Or was my ex-boyfriend with the handlebar mustache the walrus? oh gosh... now I'm confused. This is going to bug me, but I will try to get back on track. Second concern I have...perfect heels are like unicorns. They don't exist. Just like looking for a four leaf clover, you can look for hours on end to find "perfect" heels, but your efforts will not be rewarded. I'm sure shoes is not your major concern right now. I'm sure all you really care about is figuring out this boy conundrum. Let me be honest, as smart as I am I will never be able to fully solve a boy problem. I can't tell you what they are thinking. It is safe to say you can narrow it down to food, sports or gas, but even then you just have to guess. As for your particular boy...well that is a toughy. There are some people out there who are truly just kind souls. I love those kind of people. Maybe that is because I'm not one of them. At the same time, just because someone is kind doesn't mean they have to go out of their way to talk to you. Someone is kind because they don't punch an annoying person in the throat (I'm not speaking from personal experience). Someone is kind because they refrain from yelling at someone who cuts them off (okay, I'm totally justified on this one). Anyway, what I'm getting at is he kind of went out of his way to talk to you and then he kept talking to you. He could have said hello and then goodbye in 2 minutes and been on his merry way. Don't count this young chap out yet. You did just meet him like 2 hours ago. Maybe you just need to relax and take your time. What is up with all these pushy girls lately? You meet a boy and expect to fall in love and get married within a week. Just take deep breaths. Everything will be okay. I hope I was able to stop any major panic attack or coronary. Hey, you're a lot better off than some girls. You at least have a pile of shoes to drown your depression in.
Dotty
P.S. I was going to be nice and not talk about Alaska, but I would be letting a golden opportunity pass. Alaska is exotic... minus the whole exotic part. Just because he lives in a part of the world where there is a bigger population of fish than people does not mean he is exotic. It means he is lonely and anti social. Maybe you should try Ireland. They may drink like fish, but the accent and ginger locks of lovely hair is so worth it.
Oh Dotty...
Woe is me. I'm currently at home. I'm wearing the same pajamas that I put on 3 days ago (yes, that does mean that I am also wearing the same underwear from 3 days ago). I'm sitting on the couch next to a pile of empty ice cream cartons and twinkie wrappers. Please don't judge me. I'm in mourning. It is not the death of a person that I mourn, but the death of Valentines. I had high hopes this year. This new guy started working in the same office as me. So like any girl would do, I started to investigate. I would eat my lunch at the same time as him so I could find out his favorite foods. FYI... He looooooves bologna sandwiches with the holy cheese with bugles. OMG!!! I loooooooove bugles. Well, I've never actually eaten one but I played one in high school. I found out what kind of car he drives so that I could park next to him in the garage. He drives a Prius. Presh, right? Not only does he love bologna, but he cares about the environment. Oh sigh. I also went into his cubicle one time when he was sick and hung up a "get well" banner. Okay, so I had ulterior motives. I also wanted to check out the pictures on his computer to determine whether or not he had a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he is single and ready to mingle. Guess what? So am I. So I took all these things as a cosmic sign from the universe telling me to ask him to be my Valentine. I ordered a singing Cupid to come to the office and deliver a bouquet of balloons and a life sized teddy bear. I was so giddy watching him as I crouched behind the plant in the hallway. You know what happened next? He said "No". In fact, he kind of screamed it. I don't know why he felt the need to shout. It was quite rude. What went wrong, Dotty? I was so positive he would say yes. Now I'm here...alone with nothing to cuddle but a life sized teddy bear that was delivered to my door with a restraining order. Please help me feel better. Tell me that he was crazy and that my prince charming is just around the corner.
Love,
Bitter Valentine
Woe is me. I'm currently at home. I'm wearing the same pajamas that I put on 3 days ago (yes, that does mean that I am also wearing the same underwear from 3 days ago). I'm sitting on the couch next to a pile of empty ice cream cartons and twinkie wrappers. Please don't judge me. I'm in mourning. It is not the death of a person that I mourn, but the death of Valentines. I had high hopes this year. This new guy started working in the same office as me. So like any girl would do, I started to investigate. I would eat my lunch at the same time as him so I could find out his favorite foods. FYI... He looooooves bologna sandwiches with the holy cheese with bugles. OMG!!! I loooooooove bugles. Well, I've never actually eaten one but I played one in high school. I found out what kind of car he drives so that I could park next to him in the garage. He drives a Prius. Presh, right? Not only does he love bologna, but he cares about the environment. Oh sigh. I also went into his cubicle one time when he was sick and hung up a "get well" banner. Okay, so I had ulterior motives. I also wanted to check out the pictures on his computer to determine whether or not he had a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he is single and ready to mingle. Guess what? So am I. So I took all these things as a cosmic sign from the universe telling me to ask him to be my Valentine. I ordered a singing Cupid to come to the office and deliver a bouquet of balloons and a life sized teddy bear. I was so giddy watching him as I crouched behind the plant in the hallway. You know what happened next? He said "No". In fact, he kind of screamed it. I don't know why he felt the need to shout. It was quite rude. What went wrong, Dotty? I was so positive he would say yes. Now I'm here...alone with nothing to cuddle but a life sized teddy bear that was delivered to my door with a restraining order. Please help me feel better. Tell me that he was crazy and that my prince charming is just around the corner.
Love,
Bitter Valentine
Uhhh [insert chirping cricket sound here]. Hmmm...well. You're a psychopath. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don't think you actually want advice. What you really want is for someone as equally psycho as you to justify all the reasons why what you did was not psycho. Well, guess what? I probably wasn't the person to go to, but now that I have your attention let's list all the evidence that shows just how crazy you are. You might be asking yourself where you first went wrong. Let me tell you... the bugle. Who in their right mind plays a bugle? I've only known one other person who played the bugle. He was 87 years old, ate cat food and had split personality disorder. The bugle doesn't help your image much. Just sayin'. Oh, and another quick side note. It may come as a shock to you, but "holy cheese" is not the actual name. Its called Swiss cheese (who knew?) and to pair it with bologna is a crime. Bologna is a mystery meat so the best it deserves is a rubbery Kraft singles slice. Now on to the good stuff. You made all the classic mistakes.... you just happened to be an overachiever and ramped them up a few levels. Let me give you a few pointers (not that they will actually work because you are slightly unstable, but this way I can say I did my part). The root of your actions were actually pretty smart "guy snagging" techniques. However, they got a little "Chester Molester" by the end. Observe... good move #1 Sitting with him at lunch. This is an easy way to break the ice. You can talk to him, ask him simple (NON creepy questions) and get to know him. Where you screwed up? Observing his every move and breath. I wouldn't even past you to record his daily bowel movements. No one wants to be stared out when they are stuffing their face with processed meat and Wonder bread. Good move #2 enquiring after his well-being. Usually when a dude gets sick the whole world has to know about it. They want everyone to know that they are in pain and discomfort (boys are such pansies). So, when he gets back into the office ask if there is something you can do for him. Your epic failure? Being CREEPY!!! You invaded his privacy, touched his things and not to mention breathed in his germs. You're probably coming down with the flu as we speak...nasty. I guess the point I'm trying to make is... slow your roll Tootsie. Dudes are like deer. Professing your undying love is like the snapping of a twig. They hear it and run the other way. Despite your camouflage (or in your case a plastic office plant), they will spot you for the hunter you are and make a hasty escape. Then you will be alone with nothing to hold but a gun...or in your case a restraining order and a box of jelly filled donuts. I hope this helped somewhat. If not...well good luck being a complete nut bar. Until next year...
Dotty
P.S. I just want to make it clear that just because I may have compared you to a hunter does NOT mean that I'm approving of you carrying a gun or any other type of weapon that could maim, paralyze or kill another human being.
November 1, 2010
Dear Dotty,
Hmmm... Where to begin? It all started a few months ago. I started my new job at a local grocery store. If you want help finding the perfect kumquat, then I'm your girl. It is an average job at best. Nothing exciting ever happens. Well except for that one time the bag boy tripped over a stray Granny Smith apple, but that is another story. Anyway, one day this dazzling man came into the store. My heart literally stopped. I was just minding my own business, putting away bags of organic spinach and then... BAM! Sucker punch to the stomach. All I could do was stare. How could I even concentrate on produce at a time like this? Seriously, I was going coconuts. Thankfully, I managed to turn away before he caught me checking him out. He walked around a little (I tell myself he was admiring the brand new banana display I had just completed) but after a few minutes he left. My life was complete. I had seen the most handsome man. I spent the rest of my shift daydreaming about his beauty. The next day I went in still thinking about the spectacular specimen. Not even two hours into my shift guess who shows up? Yep, the Beauty. It gets better. He has come in almost everyday for like a month. He hangs out in my department and then leaves. He has even started talking to me. We have full on convos like all the time. I think he kind of likes me and wants to ask me out, but I'm not sure. What should I do, Dotty? Should I just take the lead and ask him out? I can only tell him about our different brands of potatoes so many times. I would also like for him to see me in something other than my uniform. Baggy pants and an old man button up shirt look good on no one. Please... tell me what to do.
Sincerely,
Produce Puppy Love
PPL,
Isn't this cute? Who knew fruit could be so romantic? I love a good Asian pear as much as the next girl, but it never helped me fall in love. I don't even know what to bring attention to first. There is your references to multiple fresh produce items. I'm curious to know more about this banana display. However, now is not the time. Something like this kind of happened to me one time. Well, except for the boy never talked to me. Now that I think of it, he only came into the store once. Oh, and the grocery store was a shoe emporium and now that I mention it... I didn't actually work there. So I guess my situation is nothing like yours. The point is I saw a beautiful man inside of a store. The End. But enough about me... You have a real chance here. He is making an effort to come to you. Since he doesn't know where you live (and shouldn't if you haven't told him...creepy) this is the next best thing. Obviously your dazzling face and admirable knowledge about guavas has won his heart so he doesn't even notice that you're dressed like Mr. Rogers. Now it is time for you to make a little move of your own. Invite him to do something outside of the grocery store...heck, even out of the produce section would be an upgrade. Have a picnic in the cereal aisle for all I care. Oooh! Idea... you work with fruit. Fruit is a key ingredient in smoothies. Offer to make smoothies! Have you ever heard of anyone turning down a delightfully, refreshing fruit drink? I think not PPL... I think not. I feel pretty good about you and this fella and trust me... my feelings are pretty spot on. Take J.Lo and Ben Affleck. I knew they were over before they even started. Goodnight and good luck!
Dotty Mae
Hmmm... Where to begin? It all started a few months ago. I started my new job at a local grocery store. If you want help finding the perfect kumquat, then I'm your girl. It is an average job at best. Nothing exciting ever happens. Well except for that one time the bag boy tripped over a stray Granny Smith apple, but that is another story. Anyway, one day this dazzling man came into the store. My heart literally stopped. I was just minding my own business, putting away bags of organic spinach and then... BAM! Sucker punch to the stomach. All I could do was stare. How could I even concentrate on produce at a time like this? Seriously, I was going coconuts. Thankfully, I managed to turn away before he caught me checking him out. He walked around a little (I tell myself he was admiring the brand new banana display I had just completed) but after a few minutes he left. My life was complete. I had seen the most handsome man. I spent the rest of my shift daydreaming about his beauty. The next day I went in still thinking about the spectacular specimen. Not even two hours into my shift guess who shows up? Yep, the Beauty. It gets better. He has come in almost everyday for like a month. He hangs out in my department and then leaves. He has even started talking to me. We have full on convos like all the time. I think he kind of likes me and wants to ask me out, but I'm not sure. What should I do, Dotty? Should I just take the lead and ask him out? I can only tell him about our different brands of potatoes so many times. I would also like for him to see me in something other than my uniform. Baggy pants and an old man button up shirt look good on no one. Please... tell me what to do.
Sincerely,
Produce Puppy Love
PPL,
Isn't this cute? Who knew fruit could be so romantic? I love a good Asian pear as much as the next girl, but it never helped me fall in love. I don't even know what to bring attention to first. There is your references to multiple fresh produce items. I'm curious to know more about this banana display. However, now is not the time. Something like this kind of happened to me one time. Well, except for the boy never talked to me. Now that I think of it, he only came into the store once. Oh, and the grocery store was a shoe emporium and now that I mention it... I didn't actually work there. So I guess my situation is nothing like yours. The point is I saw a beautiful man inside of a store. The End. But enough about me... You have a real chance here. He is making an effort to come to you. Since he doesn't know where you live (and shouldn't if you haven't told him...creepy) this is the next best thing. Obviously your dazzling face and admirable knowledge about guavas has won his heart so he doesn't even notice that you're dressed like Mr. Rogers. Now it is time for you to make a little move of your own. Invite him to do something outside of the grocery store...heck, even out of the produce section would be an upgrade. Have a picnic in the cereal aisle for all I care. Oooh! Idea... you work with fruit. Fruit is a key ingredient in smoothies. Offer to make smoothies! Have you ever heard of anyone turning down a delightfully, refreshing fruit drink? I think not PPL... I think not. I feel pretty good about you and this fella and trust me... my feelings are pretty spot on. Take J.Lo and Ben Affleck. I knew they were over before they even started. Goodnight and good luck!
Dotty Mae
September 24, 2010
Well folks... here is a rare occurrence. A sappy girl who is in love with a clueless boy wrote in about the unfairness of unrequited love. Girl gets makeover, boy acts weird (whats new?), girl eats three king sized Snickers bars and cries herself to sleep. Then out of the blue I get another letter from a clueless boy who is confused about his feelings for his quiet/supportive/dependable best friend (oh, I should mention his friend is a girl). Friend gets makeover, boy acts weird (surprise surprise), boy can't eat, boy can't sleep. The End. Or is it? This sounded strange...and trust me, I know strange. After doing a little digging...okay, I just e-mailed them. There was no heavy labor involved. Anyway, it was determined that the sappy girl from the first letter was the dependable best friend from the other and the clueless boy is one in the same. A couple e-mails later and voila...
Dear Dotty,
Once upon a time there was a girl (okay, I'm the girl). She was semi decent looking, average height and mediocre hair. This girl is in love with this boy. He is Uh.Maze.Ing. When he smiles the whole room lights up. He has amazing hair, eyes, nose, laugh, eye crinkles, sense of humor and so much more. Like for reals. The list could go on and on. Now lets cut to the chase. We have been friends forever. That's right, the dreaded BFF status. Barf. We were fishing buddies when we were 7. He helped me learn how to swim and ride a bike. We had the same teachers throughout high school. He came to me when he got his first girlfriend and his second...and third...and fourth. I went to him when.... well, never. Because I've never had a boyfriend. I have always been holding out some hope that he would wake up and realize he is in love with me. My friend and I had this crazy idea to do a major makeover. Hair, clothes, makeup...the works. Dotty, I felt amazing and like I was finally worthy enough to stand next to him. When it came time for the big reveal I was so excited. I had it all planned out. We would meet up for lunch and I would make this dramatic entrance like in the movies. My hair would be blowing in the wind, a magical spotlight would suddenly follow me as I walk. Everyone would be staring at me. Well, it didn't turn out like that. I walked in and he was in the bathroom. On his way out of the bathroom he got stopped by one of the waitresses because she wanted to flirt with him. I was so distracted that I spilled soda all over my shirt. I could still salvage this though, right? Wrong. When he got there he said nothing. Let me repeat that...NOTHING. It wasn't one of those stunned silences though. It was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I went home and emptied a bottle of cheese wiz into my mouth and then fell asleep watching reruns of Judge Judy. What is even worse is how he has been acting. He gets all quiet, he won't look me in the eye and his eyes never crinkle anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I do a make under? Help...please.
Love,
Made Over Molly
Oh it is just so so sad isn't it? First of all, if a person lowers themselves to eating cheese wiz straight out of the can, then there are some serious depression issues. Whipped cream...okay. Chocolate syrup...borderline. Cheese wiz...a complete and hopeless breakdown. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is to add Judge Judy to the mix. I was just about to tell her this (while also asking her what exactly an "eye crinkle" is) when I found this...
Dear Dotty,
I feel kind of weird doing this because I think it is slightly chicky (not that that is a bad thing), but my best friend just loves you, so I figured I would give it a shot. I'm actually writing about my best friend. You see... things have been different lately. We have been so close for as long as I can remember. We grew up together, played together, swam together. We even toilet papered our Principal's house once. She has always been there for me and I hope that in some way I've always been there for her. I always thought she was cute. She has the most unique green eyes, she always smells like a cookie and her nose scrunches when she laughs really hard. I know she does that whole girl thing where she thinks she is awkward or ugly, but it just isn't true. Anyway, things were good. We were best friends, always meant to be best friends...and that was it. But then one day we met up for lunch. She got to the restaurant when I was in the bathroom. I saw her right when I walked out and it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually did kind of double over because it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Can you believe the waitress actually asked if I needed assistance to the bathroom? I should have just turned around then, but I didn't want to look like a jerk by walking away and ignoring her. So what do I do? I sit down...and ignore her. Awesome. I didn't know what to say. She was beautiful. Scratch that...she IS beautiful. Dotty, I don't know what to do. It has been a few weeks now and I still get all tongue tied around her. I can't eat or sleep. I'm kind of in love with her, but I think if she found out she would drop me like a bad habit. So...what do I do?
Sincerely,
Friend
Dear M.O.M and Friend,
Yes... I'm writing the both of you. After I finished puking up sugar sweet love vomit, I put on my detective hat and got to crackin' this mystery o' love. It didn't take long to determine that you two are talking about each other. Oh sigh... isn't that just precious? It is like destiny...or something silly like that. So...here is my advice. M.O.M, isn't it funny that sometimes how we see ourselves is completely different from how other people see us? You thought you were awkward and average, but he saw something else. You need to be confident in yourself. Girls are just stupid like that though. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Friend, your biggest problem is that you are a boy (and if we talked to the waitress, apparently a little gassy). You also have an eye crinkle, which I'm still not sure if it is a good or bad thing. Boys have the tendency to get confused pretty easily. One day she is your best friend and that is it. Then the next day you wake up and you want to kiss her..and kiss her good. Now the rest is really up to you guys. Talking would be good...followed by a little hugging...then some kissing...then some DTRing...then a little more kissing. You're welcome.
Love,
Dotty
P.S. Invite me to the wedding.
Dear Dotty,
Once upon a time there was a girl (okay, I'm the girl). She was semi decent looking, average height and mediocre hair. This girl is in love with this boy. He is Uh.Maze.Ing. When he smiles the whole room lights up. He has amazing hair, eyes, nose, laugh, eye crinkles, sense of humor and so much more. Like for reals. The list could go on and on. Now lets cut to the chase. We have been friends forever. That's right, the dreaded BFF status. Barf. We were fishing buddies when we were 7. He helped me learn how to swim and ride a bike. We had the same teachers throughout high school. He came to me when he got his first girlfriend and his second...and third...and fourth. I went to him when.... well, never. Because I've never had a boyfriend. I have always been holding out some hope that he would wake up and realize he is in love with me. My friend and I had this crazy idea to do a major makeover. Hair, clothes, makeup...the works. Dotty, I felt amazing and like I was finally worthy enough to stand next to him. When it came time for the big reveal I was so excited. I had it all planned out. We would meet up for lunch and I would make this dramatic entrance like in the movies. My hair would be blowing in the wind, a magical spotlight would suddenly follow me as I walk. Everyone would be staring at me. Well, it didn't turn out like that. I walked in and he was in the bathroom. On his way out of the bathroom he got stopped by one of the waitresses because she wanted to flirt with him. I was so distracted that I spilled soda all over my shirt. I could still salvage this though, right? Wrong. When he got there he said nothing. Let me repeat that...NOTHING. It wasn't one of those stunned silences though. It was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I went home and emptied a bottle of cheese wiz into my mouth and then fell asleep watching reruns of Judge Judy. What is even worse is how he has been acting. He gets all quiet, he won't look me in the eye and his eyes never crinkle anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I do a make under? Help...please.
Love,
Made Over Molly
Oh it is just so so sad isn't it? First of all, if a person lowers themselves to eating cheese wiz straight out of the can, then there are some serious depression issues. Whipped cream...okay. Chocolate syrup...borderline. Cheese wiz...a complete and hopeless breakdown. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is to add Judge Judy to the mix. I was just about to tell her this (while also asking her what exactly an "eye crinkle" is) when I found this...
Dear Dotty,
I feel kind of weird doing this because I think it is slightly chicky (not that that is a bad thing), but my best friend just loves you, so I figured I would give it a shot. I'm actually writing about my best friend. You see... things have been different lately. We have been so close for as long as I can remember. We grew up together, played together, swam together. We even toilet papered our Principal's house once. She has always been there for me and I hope that in some way I've always been there for her. I always thought she was cute. She has the most unique green eyes, she always smells like a cookie and her nose scrunches when she laughs really hard. I know she does that whole girl thing where she thinks she is awkward or ugly, but it just isn't true. Anyway, things were good. We were best friends, always meant to be best friends...and that was it. But then one day we met up for lunch. She got to the restaurant when I was in the bathroom. I saw her right when I walked out and it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually did kind of double over because it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Can you believe the waitress actually asked if I needed assistance to the bathroom? I should have just turned around then, but I didn't want to look like a jerk by walking away and ignoring her. So what do I do? I sit down...and ignore her. Awesome. I didn't know what to say. She was beautiful. Scratch that...she IS beautiful. Dotty, I don't know what to do. It has been a few weeks now and I still get all tongue tied around her. I can't eat or sleep. I'm kind of in love with her, but I think if she found out she would drop me like a bad habit. So...what do I do?
Sincerely,
Friend
Dear M.O.M and Friend,
Yes... I'm writing the both of you. After I finished puking up sugar sweet love vomit, I put on my detective hat and got to crackin' this mystery o' love. It didn't take long to determine that you two are talking about each other. Oh sigh... isn't that just precious? It is like destiny...or something silly like that. So...here is my advice. M.O.M, isn't it funny that sometimes how we see ourselves is completely different from how other people see us? You thought you were awkward and average, but he saw something else. You need to be confident in yourself. Girls are just stupid like that though. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Friend, your biggest problem is that you are a boy (and if we talked to the waitress, apparently a little gassy). You also have an eye crinkle, which I'm still not sure if it is a good or bad thing. Boys have the tendency to get confused pretty easily. One day she is your best friend and that is it. Then the next day you wake up and you want to kiss her..and kiss her good. Now the rest is really up to you guys. Talking would be good...followed by a little hugging...then some kissing...then some DTRing...then a little more kissing. You're welcome.
Love,
Dotty
P.S. Invite me to the wedding.
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