Dear Dotty,
There must have been a full moon, Friday the 13th, time warp, or a BOGO sale at Payless or something. There had to have been some cosmic shift in the universe to explain the recent happenings in my life. I despise boys. They have it so easy. They can wake up, roll out of bed, scrounge up a pit stained t-shirt and be on their merry way...and look GOOD. They don't have to shower, dress well or put on make up. Males are just naturally beautiful. It is this reason that as well as having a burning hatred for men, I also have a deep, soul filling love. Gag. Boys can do "ugly" things (not wearing deodorant, farting, talking about poop, etc.) and come out looking oh so lovely. As females, we flock to them and they enjoy it. I decided to do a little experiment. For one month ( and one month only) I would adopt their "ugly" behaviors. My daily schedule went from waking up, primping and putting on a ridiculously cute/thought out outfit (usually planned a couple days in advance) to something completely opposite. I woke up (usually 10 minutes before I had to be to class). I got dressed in the dark. I brushed my teeth and then walked out of the house. Dotty, I looked like a wet kitten. I was a hot mess up and down and back again. Most days I was lucky if I got my hair brushed. I think I even wore the same outfit for a week straight (getting dressed in the dark is harder, not to mention more dangerous, than I thought). I thought for sure boys would be absolutely repulsed just being within the same time zone as me. Boy, was I surprised. By the end of week one I had been asked out on three dates. By the end of week two I had 4 boys ask me to be their girlfriend. This type of stuff kept happening the whole month. What in the heck is up with that? I look and smell like putrid broccoli and I have boys beating down my door. Have I found the secret to dating? Are boys so disgusting that what they are attracted to is a filth equal (if not greater) to theirs? My month is up. I don't know if I could have handled another two shower week. What should I expect now that my experiment is over? My first week back is already significantly different than my first week as a nasty sewer rat. I don't have any dates lined up, but at least I can say I'm wearing a fresh pair of undies.
The Dirty Dame
Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You didn't change your underthings every day? Not even every other day? Listen, I'm all for a good experiment, but that is how you get diseases. Go to the doctor. Like right now. Once I work through my gag reflexes I can tell you that you bring up a valid point. Sometimes (not all the time!) boys are quite disgusting. Think about it... they can be clueless about hygiene, but they still look attractive. They can wake up and smell like a hot fart, but the girls will still love them. They don't care about impressing anybody. But on the flip side we have girls... oh how stupid and shallow we can be. Girls put so much effort into how they look for two reasons and two reasons only. 1) to impress boys and 2) to make other girls jealous. Yep, we are pretty pathetic. I'm a firm believer that boys really do have the upper hand when it comes to dating. They know girls are dumb. They know that they put so much effort into getting their attention and they know that girls will rip another girl's hair out just to get noticed by a male. It is really quite annoying. So, as a girl, I applaud and thank you for throwing a wrench into their plans. You went where not many would dare to go or even think about. You went ugly. You adopted the most disgusting and horrific behaviors. You were soooo nasty that the boys started to notice. You could have asked one to "pull my finger" and he probably would have returned your question with a marriage proposal. You threw off their equilibrium. You completely botched their plans. You totally confused them ( let's face it...that isn't too hard to do). They were left to wonder about the mysterious, smelly he-woman. For that brief period of time you were so foreign to them and they liked it. They wanted to get to know the interesting, hairy she beast. Do you understand how much power you have? Gosh... I'm kind of jealous. They are like putty in your hand now. Boys flocked to you because you weren't trying so hard. You weren't acting so desperate. You said in your letter that you hate boys...and honestly, you were kind of acting like it. So what was their goal? To woo you and make you like them. This is a very good lesson you learned. I'm not saying you should ever adopt those nasty skunk habits again. But maybe you should try and avoid the other extreme too. So what if you don't plan your outfit three months in advance? Maybe you don't need to do your hair like you're about to go to prom. Try and find a happy medium. I think what needs to happen is for your primped prom queen side and your dirty sewer trash side to meet and be friends. Grime down the stuck up snob and spruce up the dumpster diving hobo. I think this will make it so the boys have to put at least an inch of effort in, rather than them sitting on their lazy (and probably dirty) behinds.
Dotty
March 2, 2011
February 17, 2011
Dotty,
My heart is all a flutter. I don't know how to control it. My palms are constantly sweaty, my heart bounces around like a ping pong ball and suddenly all I want to do is smile. I thought I experienced complete happiness when I found the perfect (yes..truly perfect) pair of heels, but that doesn't even compare to how I'm feeling. I think I may or may not have found the boy I may or may not end up marrying. But my judgements may or may not be a little off kilter given my current condition. I've met a boy. He is super. He is nice, smart, funny, handsome and has the kindest eyes I've ever seen. He is even a little exotic. He grew up in Alaska. How cool is that? No one lives in Alaska. he can probably skin a bear with his teeth. A week ago I was 110% confident that he was interested back, but now I'm not so sure. He was talking to me a lot and acting like he actually enjoyed it. He even texted me first! He stopped by my apartment the other day. but then one day a bunch of us were out somewhere and he talks to pretty much everyone BUT me. Correction... pretty much every girl. Maybe he is just real friendly. Maybe he mistook me for a sad, lonely girl with only her great shoe collection to keep her company. I try to remain calm in all situations, but usually my efforts are for naught. What in the world should I do? Do I just give up and distance myself? do I keep making an effort but stay subtle about it? do I go to the nearest shoe store and attempt to find another perfect pair of shoes to fill the void in my heart? Please respond immediately before I go completely insane.
Sincerely,
Head over High Heels
Hol-ee cow, child! You need to calm the heck down. I got a panic attack just reading the tale of your woes. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually be you. First I want to address your sweaty palms. Often times this is a clinical condition. A real quick trip to the doctor's and that can be sorted out. I had a boyfriend with sweaty palms once. It was like holding hands with a walrus. They are wet animals, right? Or was my ex-boyfriend with the handlebar mustache the walrus? oh gosh... now I'm confused. This is going to bug me, but I will try to get back on track. Second concern I have...perfect heels are like unicorns. They don't exist. Just like looking for a four leaf clover, you can look for hours on end to find "perfect" heels, but your efforts will not be rewarded. I'm sure shoes is not your major concern right now. I'm sure all you really care about is figuring out this boy conundrum. Let me be honest, as smart as I am I will never be able to fully solve a boy problem. I can't tell you what they are thinking. It is safe to say you can narrow it down to food, sports or gas, but even then you just have to guess. As for your particular boy...well that is a toughy. There are some people out there who are truly just kind souls. I love those kind of people. Maybe that is because I'm not one of them. At the same time, just because someone is kind doesn't mean they have to go out of their way to talk to you. Someone is kind because they don't punch an annoying person in the throat (I'm not speaking from personal experience). Someone is kind because they refrain from yelling at someone who cuts them off (okay, I'm totally justified on this one). Anyway, what I'm getting at is he kind of went out of his way to talk to you and then he kept talking to you. He could have said hello and then goodbye in 2 minutes and been on his merry way. Don't count this young chap out yet. You did just meet him like 2 hours ago. Maybe you just need to relax and take your time. What is up with all these pushy girls lately? You meet a boy and expect to fall in love and get married within a week. Just take deep breaths. Everything will be okay. I hope I was able to stop any major panic attack or coronary. Hey, you're a lot better off than some girls. You at least have a pile of shoes to drown your depression in.
Dotty
P.S. I was going to be nice and not talk about Alaska, but I would be letting a golden opportunity pass. Alaska is exotic... minus the whole exotic part. Just because he lives in a part of the world where there is a bigger population of fish than people does not mean he is exotic. It means he is lonely and anti social. Maybe you should try Ireland. They may drink like fish, but the accent and ginger locks of lovely hair is so worth it.
My heart is all a flutter. I don't know how to control it. My palms are constantly sweaty, my heart bounces around like a ping pong ball and suddenly all I want to do is smile. I thought I experienced complete happiness when I found the perfect (yes..truly perfect) pair of heels, but that doesn't even compare to how I'm feeling. I think I may or may not have found the boy I may or may not end up marrying. But my judgements may or may not be a little off kilter given my current condition. I've met a boy. He is super. He is nice, smart, funny, handsome and has the kindest eyes I've ever seen. He is even a little exotic. He grew up in Alaska. How cool is that? No one lives in Alaska. he can probably skin a bear with his teeth. A week ago I was 110% confident that he was interested back, but now I'm not so sure. He was talking to me a lot and acting like he actually enjoyed it. He even texted me first! He stopped by my apartment the other day. but then one day a bunch of us were out somewhere and he talks to pretty much everyone BUT me. Correction... pretty much every girl. Maybe he is just real friendly. Maybe he mistook me for a sad, lonely girl with only her great shoe collection to keep her company. I try to remain calm in all situations, but usually my efforts are for naught. What in the world should I do? Do I just give up and distance myself? do I keep making an effort but stay subtle about it? do I go to the nearest shoe store and attempt to find another perfect pair of shoes to fill the void in my heart? Please respond immediately before I go completely insane.
Sincerely,
Head over High Heels
Hol-ee cow, child! You need to calm the heck down. I got a panic attack just reading the tale of your woes. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually be you. First I want to address your sweaty palms. Often times this is a clinical condition. A real quick trip to the doctor's and that can be sorted out. I had a boyfriend with sweaty palms once. It was like holding hands with a walrus. They are wet animals, right? Or was my ex-boyfriend with the handlebar mustache the walrus? oh gosh... now I'm confused. This is going to bug me, but I will try to get back on track. Second concern I have...perfect heels are like unicorns. They don't exist. Just like looking for a four leaf clover, you can look for hours on end to find "perfect" heels, but your efforts will not be rewarded. I'm sure shoes is not your major concern right now. I'm sure all you really care about is figuring out this boy conundrum. Let me be honest, as smart as I am I will never be able to fully solve a boy problem. I can't tell you what they are thinking. It is safe to say you can narrow it down to food, sports or gas, but even then you just have to guess. As for your particular boy...well that is a toughy. There are some people out there who are truly just kind souls. I love those kind of people. Maybe that is because I'm not one of them. At the same time, just because someone is kind doesn't mean they have to go out of their way to talk to you. Someone is kind because they don't punch an annoying person in the throat (I'm not speaking from personal experience). Someone is kind because they refrain from yelling at someone who cuts them off (okay, I'm totally justified on this one). Anyway, what I'm getting at is he kind of went out of his way to talk to you and then he kept talking to you. He could have said hello and then goodbye in 2 minutes and been on his merry way. Don't count this young chap out yet. You did just meet him like 2 hours ago. Maybe you just need to relax and take your time. What is up with all these pushy girls lately? You meet a boy and expect to fall in love and get married within a week. Just take deep breaths. Everything will be okay. I hope I was able to stop any major panic attack or coronary. Hey, you're a lot better off than some girls. You at least have a pile of shoes to drown your depression in.
Dotty
P.S. I was going to be nice and not talk about Alaska, but I would be letting a golden opportunity pass. Alaska is exotic... minus the whole exotic part. Just because he lives in a part of the world where there is a bigger population of fish than people does not mean he is exotic. It means he is lonely and anti social. Maybe you should try Ireland. They may drink like fish, but the accent and ginger locks of lovely hair is so worth it.
Oh Dotty...
Woe is me. I'm currently at home. I'm wearing the same pajamas that I put on 3 days ago (yes, that does mean that I am also wearing the same underwear from 3 days ago). I'm sitting on the couch next to a pile of empty ice cream cartons and twinkie wrappers. Please don't judge me. I'm in mourning. It is not the death of a person that I mourn, but the death of Valentines. I had high hopes this year. This new guy started working in the same office as me. So like any girl would do, I started to investigate. I would eat my lunch at the same time as him so I could find out his favorite foods. FYI... He looooooves bologna sandwiches with the holy cheese with bugles. OMG!!! I loooooooove bugles. Well, I've never actually eaten one but I played one in high school. I found out what kind of car he drives so that I could park next to him in the garage. He drives a Prius. Presh, right? Not only does he love bologna, but he cares about the environment. Oh sigh. I also went into his cubicle one time when he was sick and hung up a "get well" banner. Okay, so I had ulterior motives. I also wanted to check out the pictures on his computer to determine whether or not he had a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he is single and ready to mingle. Guess what? So am I. So I took all these things as a cosmic sign from the universe telling me to ask him to be my Valentine. I ordered a singing Cupid to come to the office and deliver a bouquet of balloons and a life sized teddy bear. I was so giddy watching him as I crouched behind the plant in the hallway. You know what happened next? He said "No". In fact, he kind of screamed it. I don't know why he felt the need to shout. It was quite rude. What went wrong, Dotty? I was so positive he would say yes. Now I'm here...alone with nothing to cuddle but a life sized teddy bear that was delivered to my door with a restraining order. Please help me feel better. Tell me that he was crazy and that my prince charming is just around the corner.
Love,
Bitter Valentine
Woe is me. I'm currently at home. I'm wearing the same pajamas that I put on 3 days ago (yes, that does mean that I am also wearing the same underwear from 3 days ago). I'm sitting on the couch next to a pile of empty ice cream cartons and twinkie wrappers. Please don't judge me. I'm in mourning. It is not the death of a person that I mourn, but the death of Valentines. I had high hopes this year. This new guy started working in the same office as me. So like any girl would do, I started to investigate. I would eat my lunch at the same time as him so I could find out his favorite foods. FYI... He looooooves bologna sandwiches with the holy cheese with bugles. OMG!!! I loooooooove bugles. Well, I've never actually eaten one but I played one in high school. I found out what kind of car he drives so that I could park next to him in the garage. He drives a Prius. Presh, right? Not only does he love bologna, but he cares about the environment. Oh sigh. I also went into his cubicle one time when he was sick and hung up a "get well" banner. Okay, so I had ulterior motives. I also wanted to check out the pictures on his computer to determine whether or not he had a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he is single and ready to mingle. Guess what? So am I. So I took all these things as a cosmic sign from the universe telling me to ask him to be my Valentine. I ordered a singing Cupid to come to the office and deliver a bouquet of balloons and a life sized teddy bear. I was so giddy watching him as I crouched behind the plant in the hallway. You know what happened next? He said "No". In fact, he kind of screamed it. I don't know why he felt the need to shout. It was quite rude. What went wrong, Dotty? I was so positive he would say yes. Now I'm here...alone with nothing to cuddle but a life sized teddy bear that was delivered to my door with a restraining order. Please help me feel better. Tell me that he was crazy and that my prince charming is just around the corner.
Love,
Bitter Valentine
Uhhh [insert chirping cricket sound here]. Hmmm...well. You're a psychopath. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don't think you actually want advice. What you really want is for someone as equally psycho as you to justify all the reasons why what you did was not psycho. Well, guess what? I probably wasn't the person to go to, but now that I have your attention let's list all the evidence that shows just how crazy you are. You might be asking yourself where you first went wrong. Let me tell you... the bugle. Who in their right mind plays a bugle? I've only known one other person who played the bugle. He was 87 years old, ate cat food and had split personality disorder. The bugle doesn't help your image much. Just sayin'. Oh, and another quick side note. It may come as a shock to you, but "holy cheese" is not the actual name. Its called Swiss cheese (who knew?) and to pair it with bologna is a crime. Bologna is a mystery meat so the best it deserves is a rubbery Kraft singles slice. Now on to the good stuff. You made all the classic mistakes.... you just happened to be an overachiever and ramped them up a few levels. Let me give you a few pointers (not that they will actually work because you are slightly unstable, but this way I can say I did my part). The root of your actions were actually pretty smart "guy snagging" techniques. However, they got a little "Chester Molester" by the end. Observe... good move #1 Sitting with him at lunch. This is an easy way to break the ice. You can talk to him, ask him simple (NON creepy questions) and get to know him. Where you screwed up? Observing his every move and breath. I wouldn't even past you to record his daily bowel movements. No one wants to be stared out when they are stuffing their face with processed meat and Wonder bread. Good move #2 enquiring after his well-being. Usually when a dude gets sick the whole world has to know about it. They want everyone to know that they are in pain and discomfort (boys are such pansies). So, when he gets back into the office ask if there is something you can do for him. Your epic failure? Being CREEPY!!! You invaded his privacy, touched his things and not to mention breathed in his germs. You're probably coming down with the flu as we speak...nasty. I guess the point I'm trying to make is... slow your roll Tootsie. Dudes are like deer. Professing your undying love is like the snapping of a twig. They hear it and run the other way. Despite your camouflage (or in your case a plastic office plant), they will spot you for the hunter you are and make a hasty escape. Then you will be alone with nothing to hold but a gun...or in your case a restraining order and a box of jelly filled donuts. I hope this helped somewhat. If not...well good luck being a complete nut bar. Until next year...
Dotty
P.S. I just want to make it clear that just because I may have compared you to a hunter does NOT mean that I'm approving of you carrying a gun or any other type of weapon that could maim, paralyze or kill another human being.
November 1, 2010
Dear Dotty,
Hmmm... Where to begin? It all started a few months ago. I started my new job at a local grocery store. If you want help finding the perfect kumquat, then I'm your girl. It is an average job at best. Nothing exciting ever happens. Well except for that one time the bag boy tripped over a stray Granny Smith apple, but that is another story. Anyway, one day this dazzling man came into the store. My heart literally stopped. I was just minding my own business, putting away bags of organic spinach and then... BAM! Sucker punch to the stomach. All I could do was stare. How could I even concentrate on produce at a time like this? Seriously, I was going coconuts. Thankfully, I managed to turn away before he caught me checking him out. He walked around a little (I tell myself he was admiring the brand new banana display I had just completed) but after a few minutes he left. My life was complete. I had seen the most handsome man. I spent the rest of my shift daydreaming about his beauty. The next day I went in still thinking about the spectacular specimen. Not even two hours into my shift guess who shows up? Yep, the Beauty. It gets better. He has come in almost everyday for like a month. He hangs out in my department and then leaves. He has even started talking to me. We have full on convos like all the time. I think he kind of likes me and wants to ask me out, but I'm not sure. What should I do, Dotty? Should I just take the lead and ask him out? I can only tell him about our different brands of potatoes so many times. I would also like for him to see me in something other than my uniform. Baggy pants and an old man button up shirt look good on no one. Please... tell me what to do.
Sincerely,
Produce Puppy Love
PPL,
Isn't this cute? Who knew fruit could be so romantic? I love a good Asian pear as much as the next girl, but it never helped me fall in love. I don't even know what to bring attention to first. There is your references to multiple fresh produce items. I'm curious to know more about this banana display. However, now is not the time. Something like this kind of happened to me one time. Well, except for the boy never talked to me. Now that I think of it, he only came into the store once. Oh, and the grocery store was a shoe emporium and now that I mention it... I didn't actually work there. So I guess my situation is nothing like yours. The point is I saw a beautiful man inside of a store. The End. But enough about me... You have a real chance here. He is making an effort to come to you. Since he doesn't know where you live (and shouldn't if you haven't told him...creepy) this is the next best thing. Obviously your dazzling face and admirable knowledge about guavas has won his heart so he doesn't even notice that you're dressed like Mr. Rogers. Now it is time for you to make a little move of your own. Invite him to do something outside of the grocery store...heck, even out of the produce section would be an upgrade. Have a picnic in the cereal aisle for all I care. Oooh! Idea... you work with fruit. Fruit is a key ingredient in smoothies. Offer to make smoothies! Have you ever heard of anyone turning down a delightfully, refreshing fruit drink? I think not PPL... I think not. I feel pretty good about you and this fella and trust me... my feelings are pretty spot on. Take J.Lo and Ben Affleck. I knew they were over before they even started. Goodnight and good luck!
Dotty Mae
Hmmm... Where to begin? It all started a few months ago. I started my new job at a local grocery store. If you want help finding the perfect kumquat, then I'm your girl. It is an average job at best. Nothing exciting ever happens. Well except for that one time the bag boy tripped over a stray Granny Smith apple, but that is another story. Anyway, one day this dazzling man came into the store. My heart literally stopped. I was just minding my own business, putting away bags of organic spinach and then... BAM! Sucker punch to the stomach. All I could do was stare. How could I even concentrate on produce at a time like this? Seriously, I was going coconuts. Thankfully, I managed to turn away before he caught me checking him out. He walked around a little (I tell myself he was admiring the brand new banana display I had just completed) but after a few minutes he left. My life was complete. I had seen the most handsome man. I spent the rest of my shift daydreaming about his beauty. The next day I went in still thinking about the spectacular specimen. Not even two hours into my shift guess who shows up? Yep, the Beauty. It gets better. He has come in almost everyday for like a month. He hangs out in my department and then leaves. He has even started talking to me. We have full on convos like all the time. I think he kind of likes me and wants to ask me out, but I'm not sure. What should I do, Dotty? Should I just take the lead and ask him out? I can only tell him about our different brands of potatoes so many times. I would also like for him to see me in something other than my uniform. Baggy pants and an old man button up shirt look good on no one. Please... tell me what to do.
Sincerely,
Produce Puppy Love
PPL,
Isn't this cute? Who knew fruit could be so romantic? I love a good Asian pear as much as the next girl, but it never helped me fall in love. I don't even know what to bring attention to first. There is your references to multiple fresh produce items. I'm curious to know more about this banana display. However, now is not the time. Something like this kind of happened to me one time. Well, except for the boy never talked to me. Now that I think of it, he only came into the store once. Oh, and the grocery store was a shoe emporium and now that I mention it... I didn't actually work there. So I guess my situation is nothing like yours. The point is I saw a beautiful man inside of a store. The End. But enough about me... You have a real chance here. He is making an effort to come to you. Since he doesn't know where you live (and shouldn't if you haven't told him...creepy) this is the next best thing. Obviously your dazzling face and admirable knowledge about guavas has won his heart so he doesn't even notice that you're dressed like Mr. Rogers. Now it is time for you to make a little move of your own. Invite him to do something outside of the grocery store...heck, even out of the produce section would be an upgrade. Have a picnic in the cereal aisle for all I care. Oooh! Idea... you work with fruit. Fruit is a key ingredient in smoothies. Offer to make smoothies! Have you ever heard of anyone turning down a delightfully, refreshing fruit drink? I think not PPL... I think not. I feel pretty good about you and this fella and trust me... my feelings are pretty spot on. Take J.Lo and Ben Affleck. I knew they were over before they even started. Goodnight and good luck!
Dotty Mae
September 24, 2010
Well folks... here is a rare occurrence. A sappy girl who is in love with a clueless boy wrote in about the unfairness of unrequited love. Girl gets makeover, boy acts weird (whats new?), girl eats three king sized Snickers bars and cries herself to sleep. Then out of the blue I get another letter from a clueless boy who is confused about his feelings for his quiet/supportive/dependable best friend (oh, I should mention his friend is a girl). Friend gets makeover, boy acts weird (surprise surprise), boy can't eat, boy can't sleep. The End. Or is it? This sounded strange...and trust me, I know strange. After doing a little digging...okay, I just e-mailed them. There was no heavy labor involved. Anyway, it was determined that the sappy girl from the first letter was the dependable best friend from the other and the clueless boy is one in the same. A couple e-mails later and voila...
Dear Dotty,
Once upon a time there was a girl (okay, I'm the girl). She was semi decent looking, average height and mediocre hair. This girl is in love with this boy. He is Uh.Maze.Ing. When he smiles the whole room lights up. He has amazing hair, eyes, nose, laugh, eye crinkles, sense of humor and so much more. Like for reals. The list could go on and on. Now lets cut to the chase. We have been friends forever. That's right, the dreaded BFF status. Barf. We were fishing buddies when we were 7. He helped me learn how to swim and ride a bike. We had the same teachers throughout high school. He came to me when he got his first girlfriend and his second...and third...and fourth. I went to him when.... well, never. Because I've never had a boyfriend. I have always been holding out some hope that he would wake up and realize he is in love with me. My friend and I had this crazy idea to do a major makeover. Hair, clothes, makeup...the works. Dotty, I felt amazing and like I was finally worthy enough to stand next to him. When it came time for the big reveal I was so excited. I had it all planned out. We would meet up for lunch and I would make this dramatic entrance like in the movies. My hair would be blowing in the wind, a magical spotlight would suddenly follow me as I walk. Everyone would be staring at me. Well, it didn't turn out like that. I walked in and he was in the bathroom. On his way out of the bathroom he got stopped by one of the waitresses because she wanted to flirt with him. I was so distracted that I spilled soda all over my shirt. I could still salvage this though, right? Wrong. When he got there he said nothing. Let me repeat that...NOTHING. It wasn't one of those stunned silences though. It was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I went home and emptied a bottle of cheese wiz into my mouth and then fell asleep watching reruns of Judge Judy. What is even worse is how he has been acting. He gets all quiet, he won't look me in the eye and his eyes never crinkle anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I do a make under? Help...please.
Love,
Made Over Molly
Oh it is just so so sad isn't it? First of all, if a person lowers themselves to eating cheese wiz straight out of the can, then there are some serious depression issues. Whipped cream...okay. Chocolate syrup...borderline. Cheese wiz...a complete and hopeless breakdown. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is to add Judge Judy to the mix. I was just about to tell her this (while also asking her what exactly an "eye crinkle" is) when I found this...
Dear Dotty,
I feel kind of weird doing this because I think it is slightly chicky (not that that is a bad thing), but my best friend just loves you, so I figured I would give it a shot. I'm actually writing about my best friend. You see... things have been different lately. We have been so close for as long as I can remember. We grew up together, played together, swam together. We even toilet papered our Principal's house once. She has always been there for me and I hope that in some way I've always been there for her. I always thought she was cute. She has the most unique green eyes, she always smells like a cookie and her nose scrunches when she laughs really hard. I know she does that whole girl thing where she thinks she is awkward or ugly, but it just isn't true. Anyway, things were good. We were best friends, always meant to be best friends...and that was it. But then one day we met up for lunch. She got to the restaurant when I was in the bathroom. I saw her right when I walked out and it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually did kind of double over because it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Can you believe the waitress actually asked if I needed assistance to the bathroom? I should have just turned around then, but I didn't want to look like a jerk by walking away and ignoring her. So what do I do? I sit down...and ignore her. Awesome. I didn't know what to say. She was beautiful. Scratch that...she IS beautiful. Dotty, I don't know what to do. It has been a few weeks now and I still get all tongue tied around her. I can't eat or sleep. I'm kind of in love with her, but I think if she found out she would drop me like a bad habit. So...what do I do?
Sincerely,
Friend
Dear M.O.M and Friend,
Yes... I'm writing the both of you. After I finished puking up sugar sweet love vomit, I put on my detective hat and got to crackin' this mystery o' love. It didn't take long to determine that you two are talking about each other. Oh sigh... isn't that just precious? It is like destiny...or something silly like that. So...here is my advice. M.O.M, isn't it funny that sometimes how we see ourselves is completely different from how other people see us? You thought you were awkward and average, but he saw something else. You need to be confident in yourself. Girls are just stupid like that though. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Friend, your biggest problem is that you are a boy (and if we talked to the waitress, apparently a little gassy). You also have an eye crinkle, which I'm still not sure if it is a good or bad thing. Boys have the tendency to get confused pretty easily. One day she is your best friend and that is it. Then the next day you wake up and you want to kiss her..and kiss her good. Now the rest is really up to you guys. Talking would be good...followed by a little hugging...then some kissing...then some DTRing...then a little more kissing. You're welcome.
Love,
Dotty
P.S. Invite me to the wedding.
Dear Dotty,
Once upon a time there was a girl (okay, I'm the girl). She was semi decent looking, average height and mediocre hair. This girl is in love with this boy. He is Uh.Maze.Ing. When he smiles the whole room lights up. He has amazing hair, eyes, nose, laugh, eye crinkles, sense of humor and so much more. Like for reals. The list could go on and on. Now lets cut to the chase. We have been friends forever. That's right, the dreaded BFF status. Barf. We were fishing buddies when we were 7. He helped me learn how to swim and ride a bike. We had the same teachers throughout high school. He came to me when he got his first girlfriend and his second...and third...and fourth. I went to him when.... well, never. Because I've never had a boyfriend. I have always been holding out some hope that he would wake up and realize he is in love with me. My friend and I had this crazy idea to do a major makeover. Hair, clothes, makeup...the works. Dotty, I felt amazing and like I was finally worthy enough to stand next to him. When it came time for the big reveal I was so excited. I had it all planned out. We would meet up for lunch and I would make this dramatic entrance like in the movies. My hair would be blowing in the wind, a magical spotlight would suddenly follow me as I walk. Everyone would be staring at me. Well, it didn't turn out like that. I walked in and he was in the bathroom. On his way out of the bathroom he got stopped by one of the waitresses because she wanted to flirt with him. I was so distracted that I spilled soda all over my shirt. I could still salvage this though, right? Wrong. When he got there he said nothing. Let me repeat that...NOTHING. It wasn't one of those stunned silences though. It was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I went home and emptied a bottle of cheese wiz into my mouth and then fell asleep watching reruns of Judge Judy. What is even worse is how he has been acting. He gets all quiet, he won't look me in the eye and his eyes never crinkle anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I do a make under? Help...please.
Love,
Made Over Molly
Oh it is just so so sad isn't it? First of all, if a person lowers themselves to eating cheese wiz straight out of the can, then there are some serious depression issues. Whipped cream...okay. Chocolate syrup...borderline. Cheese wiz...a complete and hopeless breakdown. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is to add Judge Judy to the mix. I was just about to tell her this (while also asking her what exactly an "eye crinkle" is) when I found this...
Dear Dotty,
I feel kind of weird doing this because I think it is slightly chicky (not that that is a bad thing), but my best friend just loves you, so I figured I would give it a shot. I'm actually writing about my best friend. You see... things have been different lately. We have been so close for as long as I can remember. We grew up together, played together, swam together. We even toilet papered our Principal's house once. She has always been there for me and I hope that in some way I've always been there for her. I always thought she was cute. She has the most unique green eyes, she always smells like a cookie and her nose scrunches when she laughs really hard. I know she does that whole girl thing where she thinks she is awkward or ugly, but it just isn't true. Anyway, things were good. We were best friends, always meant to be best friends...and that was it. But then one day we met up for lunch. She got to the restaurant when I was in the bathroom. I saw her right when I walked out and it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually did kind of double over because it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Can you believe the waitress actually asked if I needed assistance to the bathroom? I should have just turned around then, but I didn't want to look like a jerk by walking away and ignoring her. So what do I do? I sit down...and ignore her. Awesome. I didn't know what to say. She was beautiful. Scratch that...she IS beautiful. Dotty, I don't know what to do. It has been a few weeks now and I still get all tongue tied around her. I can't eat or sleep. I'm kind of in love with her, but I think if she found out she would drop me like a bad habit. So...what do I do?
Sincerely,
Friend
Dear M.O.M and Friend,
Yes... I'm writing the both of you. After I finished puking up sugar sweet love vomit, I put on my detective hat and got to crackin' this mystery o' love. It didn't take long to determine that you two are talking about each other. Oh sigh... isn't that just precious? It is like destiny...or something silly like that. So...here is my advice. M.O.M, isn't it funny that sometimes how we see ourselves is completely different from how other people see us? You thought you were awkward and average, but he saw something else. You need to be confident in yourself. Girls are just stupid like that though. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Friend, your biggest problem is that you are a boy (and if we talked to the waitress, apparently a little gassy). You also have an eye crinkle, which I'm still not sure if it is a good or bad thing. Boys have the tendency to get confused pretty easily. One day she is your best friend and that is it. Then the next day you wake up and you want to kiss her..and kiss her good. Now the rest is really up to you guys. Talking would be good...followed by a little hugging...then some kissing...then some DTRing...then a little more kissing. You're welcome.
Love,
Dotty
P.S. Invite me to the wedding.
August 24, 2010
Dotty,
I have a problem, but that probably doesn't really come as a shock to you. You probably think I'm just another loser. I think once you hear my dilemma you will think differently. First I should clarify that I'm a dude. On the outside my life is pretty rockin'. I'm attractive, fun, atheletic and I beat Halo in record time. My problem is the fact that I'm pushing thirty and the girls I go after don't know how to handle that. For instance, tak the girl I met in spin class last week. I was putin out vibes. I made sure to impress her with my spin skillz so that after class she would come and talk to me. Class ended. Two minutes went by, then five and then ten. Finally after that I went up and interrupted her conversation so I could talk to her. You know what happened? She brushed me off. She said hello and nothing else. I'm getting a little depressed because none of the girls I go for are feeling the same about me. Am I attracted to the wrong type of girls? I mean, I like them young, like 19 or 20, but that isn't a problem. Once they reach their early to mid-twenties they are just too old for me. Maybe the girl from spin class was too immature. I found out she was only 18, so maybe I should wait until she matures a little. What do you think? Am I lookin' in all the wrong places?
Love,
Spinner
Spinner,
So you're attractive, fun, athLetic, and a nerd ( sorry, Halo doesn't exactly add to your list of admirable qualities) but obviously you aren't very smert. Sorry, I mean smart. Either someone misled you your whole life and told you that the letter "z" can stand in place of "s" at the end of a word or you neglected to use spell check. If you can do as many push ups as you can make spelling errors, then I don't doubt the level of your athleticism. Now that I've just begun to humiliate you, I think it is time to move on to your other dilemma. Let me just start off by saying that... I hate boys like you. You have the Peter Pan syndrome. You're getting older and older, but you act younger and younger. News flash... girls don't want to date someone that is closer to their dads' age than hers. Sick, sick, sick. Do you realize how screwed up you are? You keep getting older, but the girls you go after get younger. What would have happened if that 18 year old child had said yes? Would you have dated her for two years and then dumped her because she was over the hill? You said something about that girl being immature, but I think you're wrong. She wasn't being immature at all. She was probably just listening to the advice her parents gave her when she was in elementary school about not talking to old, creepy strangers who like to hit on unsuspecting girls. Young girls don't look at you and see a drop dead gorgeous man that makes their heart skip a beat. They probably see a semi decent looking man with a receding hair line and wrinkles. If their heart races, then it is more out of fear than awe. So in answer to your question, yes. Something is wrong with you. You're a creeper. Not only that, but you have offended every woman over the age of 21. Nuts and bolts... you're screwed.
Dotty
P.S. You're wrong about something else... I don't think you're a loser. I think you're a pathetic, creepy loser.
I have a problem, but that probably doesn't really come as a shock to you. You probably think I'm just another loser. I think once you hear my dilemma you will think differently. First I should clarify that I'm a dude. On the outside my life is pretty rockin'. I'm attractive, fun, atheletic and I beat Halo in record time. My problem is the fact that I'm pushing thirty and the girls I go after don't know how to handle that. For instance, tak the girl I met in spin class last week. I was putin out vibes. I made sure to impress her with my spin skillz so that after class she would come and talk to me. Class ended. Two minutes went by, then five and then ten. Finally after that I went up and interrupted her conversation so I could talk to her. You know what happened? She brushed me off. She said hello and nothing else. I'm getting a little depressed because none of the girls I go for are feeling the same about me. Am I attracted to the wrong type of girls? I mean, I like them young, like 19 or 20, but that isn't a problem. Once they reach their early to mid-twenties they are just too old for me. Maybe the girl from spin class was too immature. I found out she was only 18, so maybe I should wait until she matures a little. What do you think? Am I lookin' in all the wrong places?
Love,
Spinner
Spinner,
So you're attractive, fun, athLetic, and a nerd ( sorry, Halo doesn't exactly add to your list of admirable qualities) but obviously you aren't very smert. Sorry, I mean smart. Either someone misled you your whole life and told you that the letter "z" can stand in place of "s" at the end of a word or you neglected to use spell check. If you can do as many push ups as you can make spelling errors, then I don't doubt the level of your athleticism. Now that I've just begun to humiliate you, I think it is time to move on to your other dilemma. Let me just start off by saying that... I hate boys like you. You have the Peter Pan syndrome. You're getting older and older, but you act younger and younger. News flash... girls don't want to date someone that is closer to their dads' age than hers. Sick, sick, sick. Do you realize how screwed up you are? You keep getting older, but the girls you go after get younger. What would have happened if that 18 year old child had said yes? Would you have dated her for two years and then dumped her because she was over the hill? You said something about that girl being immature, but I think you're wrong. She wasn't being immature at all. She was probably just listening to the advice her parents gave her when she was in elementary school about not talking to old, creepy strangers who like to hit on unsuspecting girls. Young girls don't look at you and see a drop dead gorgeous man that makes their heart skip a beat. They probably see a semi decent looking man with a receding hair line and wrinkles. If their heart races, then it is more out of fear than awe. So in answer to your question, yes. Something is wrong with you. You're a creeper. Not only that, but you have offended every woman over the age of 21. Nuts and bolts... you're screwed.
Dotty
P.S. You're wrong about something else... I don't think you're a loser. I think you're a pathetic, creepy loser.
July 1, 2010
It's been a long time. Forgive me. It is beautiful outside and it would be a shame to spend every waking minute on the computer. But don't worry, I couldn't stay away forever.
Lately I've been getting letters from members of the male persuasion. I know what you're thinking. "Boys have love trouble?" That is exactly what I thought. Then I read the e-mails. I thought girls were dumb. Don't get me wrong. Girls are still idiots, but I'm surprised boys can even function at times. Let the next letters be your evidence.
Dear Dotty,
I took this girl out on a date. She was a babe. Like I'm talking a 10 out of 10. But then again... I don't settle for anything less. So there we were at the Taco Shack. I was looking good. I was dressed in a mesh muscle tank and camo pants I had ordered me an extra grande burrito deluxe and her a taco salad minus the shell and meat. We were having a riveting discussion. I was telling her all about my most recent weight lifting competition. I took first place, but we can talk about that later. Anyway, so all the sudden she says she has to go to the bathroom. I excuse her and continue eating my food. Dotty, the funniest thing happened. She didn't come back. I waited for like twenty minutes. I just figured the cheese had gotten to her. Then after another ten minutes I sent someone looking for her. But she had disappeared! Naturally I was worried. Was there an emergency she had to go see to? Did she spill something on her dress and get embarrassed? I still don't know what happened. I've called her 27 times today, but she must have lost her phone. Maybe it is in the bathroom at the Taco Shack. I know she didn't leave because she didn't like me. It was obvious she was digging me. I can't think of anything. What do you think Dotty?
The Macho Man
You're an idiot.
Dotty
p.s. Okay, as much as I would want to leave it there, I can't. You're an egotistical schmuck AND an idiot. First off, if you want to impress a girl don't take her to the Taco Shack. You might as well eat with the hobos around a trash can fire. Second of all Fatty, why do you get to sit and stuff your face but she doesn't? If you really want your woman to eat lettuce, gum and air then you might as well marry a piece of cardboard. In fact, that would actually work out really well. She won't ever talk back, she will listen to you talk about yourself and you both are probably intellectually compatible. If that didn't turn her off then the constant bragging about yourself probably did the trick. Weightlifting? Really? Are you one of those guys who stands on stage with a bad tan and sequined speedo? The only thing that can rival weightlifting competitions for the title of white trash would probably be your outfit. When you described your outfit I immediately thought of a manager of a trailer park named Gunner with a mullet and a barbed wire tattoo. But I'm over you, so I'm going to stop pointing out our obvious flaws. Instead I'm going to give you the obvious reason as to why your date never came back to hang on your every word. She didn't leave to take care of a sick aunt, or to change her shirt. She didn't get sick from the food. If anything you made her want to hurl. She left because of YOU. It is a classic move. You go on a date and if the guy (okay, or the girl) is a complete goon you ditch them at the first available moment. She probably saw a break in the conversation (probably when you were staring at yourself in the napkin dispenser) and went for it. Seriously, every person has an emergency plan like this. You only confirmed her choice to be the right one when you called her a bajillion and one times. Uhh...not only are you annoying, but your weird. I know this may seem rude. I know you are just going to ignore whatever I say, so I figured I might as well just say it. Best of luck to you, Gunner.
Dear Dotty,
I had been interested in this girl for awhile now. We met when she was a Freshmen in college and I was a Junior. I just thought she was so cute. We would flirt, but then she would get a boyfriend and ignore me until they broke up. I just figured she was being a good girlfriend and not hanging out with a bunch of boys. Well a little bit ago she broke up with her boyfriend, so I decided to ask her out on a date. When she found out I was taking her to see my roommates band play, she got all excited and said yes. I figured she was excited to spend time with me. Dotty, I was so happy when she said yes. I wore my best shirt. I bought her flowers and took her to dinner. She seemed a little off the whole time, but I guess I told myself she was just as nervous as I was. We get to the concert and immediately she lit up. I thought we were having a great time, but when I got back from the bathroom she was next to the stage. With my roommate. Sucking his face off. I'm a little confused. I feel like she only said yes so she could try and woo my roommate. Obviously it worked because they have been dating for a week now. Do I just move on or keep trying to win her over? I feel like I'm a good guy, but she doesn't care.
Thanks,
The Other Roommate
Man, they really don't pay me enough...or at all. Sometimes the answer is so painfully obvious that I can't believe someone wouldn't pick up on it. The first obvious thing... she is a floozy. She bounces from dude to dude. When she gets bored she moves on to the next one. Then when she can't snag a guy she goes to her loyal follower (that would be you). You're like a little puppy dog and she is more than willing to dangle a bacon flavored dog treat in front of your face. This should have been your first hint that not only is she a crappy friend but she would be craptastically awful at being a girlfriend. You deserve better. The male population deserves better. It boggles my mind that guys even fall for girls like this. You're right, she did only go out with you to get her claws on your roommate. She is a selfish hag. You put yourself out there and she didn't even acknowledge it. Personally, I think you wasted a bouquet of flowers on her. What really makes me sad is to think of all the opportunities you've missed out on by waiting around for this little hussy. Okay, that was below the belt, but I am not taking it back. I think the best thing would be for you to drop her altogether. You don't need to immediately go searching for a new girl. It will happen when you aren't even expecting it For now, brush your shoulder off and keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I give your roommate and the floozy another three days...tops.
Lately I've been getting letters from members of the male persuasion. I know what you're thinking. "Boys have love trouble?" That is exactly what I thought. Then I read the e-mails. I thought girls were dumb. Don't get me wrong. Girls are still idiots, but I'm surprised boys can even function at times. Let the next letters be your evidence.
Dear Dotty,
I took this girl out on a date. She was a babe. Like I'm talking a 10 out of 10. But then again... I don't settle for anything less. So there we were at the Taco Shack. I was looking good. I was dressed in a mesh muscle tank and camo pants I had ordered me an extra grande burrito deluxe and her a taco salad minus the shell and meat. We were having a riveting discussion. I was telling her all about my most recent weight lifting competition. I took first place, but we can talk about that later. Anyway, so all the sudden she says she has to go to the bathroom. I excuse her and continue eating my food. Dotty, the funniest thing happened. She didn't come back. I waited for like twenty minutes. I just figured the cheese had gotten to her. Then after another ten minutes I sent someone looking for her. But she had disappeared! Naturally I was worried. Was there an emergency she had to go see to? Did she spill something on her dress and get embarrassed? I still don't know what happened. I've called her 27 times today, but she must have lost her phone. Maybe it is in the bathroom at the Taco Shack. I know she didn't leave because she didn't like me. It was obvious she was digging me. I can't think of anything. What do you think Dotty?
The Macho Man
You're an idiot.
Dotty
p.s. Okay, as much as I would want to leave it there, I can't. You're an egotistical schmuck AND an idiot. First off, if you want to impress a girl don't take her to the Taco Shack. You might as well eat with the hobos around a trash can fire. Second of all Fatty, why do you get to sit and stuff your face but she doesn't? If you really want your woman to eat lettuce, gum and air then you might as well marry a piece of cardboard. In fact, that would actually work out really well. She won't ever talk back, she will listen to you talk about yourself and you both are probably intellectually compatible. If that didn't turn her off then the constant bragging about yourself probably did the trick. Weightlifting? Really? Are you one of those guys who stands on stage with a bad tan and sequined speedo? The only thing that can rival weightlifting competitions for the title of white trash would probably be your outfit. When you described your outfit I immediately thought of a manager of a trailer park named Gunner with a mullet and a barbed wire tattoo. But I'm over you, so I'm going to stop pointing out our obvious flaws. Instead I'm going to give you the obvious reason as to why your date never came back to hang on your every word. She didn't leave to take care of a sick aunt, or to change her shirt. She didn't get sick from the food. If anything you made her want to hurl. She left because of YOU. It is a classic move. You go on a date and if the guy (okay, or the girl) is a complete goon you ditch them at the first available moment. She probably saw a break in the conversation (probably when you were staring at yourself in the napkin dispenser) and went for it. Seriously, every person has an emergency plan like this. You only confirmed her choice to be the right one when you called her a bajillion and one times. Uhh...not only are you annoying, but your weird. I know this may seem rude. I know you are just going to ignore whatever I say, so I figured I might as well just say it. Best of luck to you, Gunner.
Dear Dotty,
I had been interested in this girl for awhile now. We met when she was a Freshmen in college and I was a Junior. I just thought she was so cute. We would flirt, but then she would get a boyfriend and ignore me until they broke up. I just figured she was being a good girlfriend and not hanging out with a bunch of boys. Well a little bit ago she broke up with her boyfriend, so I decided to ask her out on a date. When she found out I was taking her to see my roommates band play, she got all excited and said yes. I figured she was excited to spend time with me. Dotty, I was so happy when she said yes. I wore my best shirt. I bought her flowers and took her to dinner. She seemed a little off the whole time, but I guess I told myself she was just as nervous as I was. We get to the concert and immediately she lit up. I thought we were having a great time, but when I got back from the bathroom she was next to the stage. With my roommate. Sucking his face off. I'm a little confused. I feel like she only said yes so she could try and woo my roommate. Obviously it worked because they have been dating for a week now. Do I just move on or keep trying to win her over? I feel like I'm a good guy, but she doesn't care.
Thanks,
The Other Roommate
Man, they really don't pay me enough...or at all. Sometimes the answer is so painfully obvious that I can't believe someone wouldn't pick up on it. The first obvious thing... she is a floozy. She bounces from dude to dude. When she gets bored she moves on to the next one. Then when she can't snag a guy she goes to her loyal follower (that would be you). You're like a little puppy dog and she is more than willing to dangle a bacon flavored dog treat in front of your face. This should have been your first hint that not only is she a crappy friend but she would be craptastically awful at being a girlfriend. You deserve better. The male population deserves better. It boggles my mind that guys even fall for girls like this. You're right, she did only go out with you to get her claws on your roommate. She is a selfish hag. You put yourself out there and she didn't even acknowledge it. Personally, I think you wasted a bouquet of flowers on her. What really makes me sad is to think of all the opportunities you've missed out on by waiting around for this little hussy. Okay, that was below the belt, but I am not taking it back. I think the best thing would be for you to drop her altogether. You don't need to immediately go searching for a new girl. It will happen when you aren't even expecting it For now, brush your shoulder off and keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I give your roommate and the floozy another three days...tops.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
