Dear Dotty,
Hmmm... Where to begin? It all started a few months ago. I started my new job at a local grocery store. If you want help finding the perfect kumquat, then I'm your girl. It is an average job at best. Nothing exciting ever happens. Well except for that one time the bag boy tripped over a stray Granny Smith apple, but that is another story. Anyway, one day this dazzling man came into the store. My heart literally stopped. I was just minding my own business, putting away bags of organic spinach and then... BAM! Sucker punch to the stomach. All I could do was stare. How could I even concentrate on produce at a time like this? Seriously, I was going coconuts. Thankfully, I managed to turn away before he caught me checking him out. He walked around a little (I tell myself he was admiring the brand new banana display I had just completed) but after a few minutes he left. My life was complete. I had seen the most handsome man. I spent the rest of my shift daydreaming about his beauty. The next day I went in still thinking about the spectacular specimen. Not even two hours into my shift guess who shows up? Yep, the Beauty. It gets better. He has come in almost everyday for like a month. He hangs out in my department and then leaves. He has even started talking to me. We have full on convos like all the time. I think he kind of likes me and wants to ask me out, but I'm not sure. What should I do, Dotty? Should I just take the lead and ask him out? I can only tell him about our different brands of potatoes so many times. I would also like for him to see me in something other than my uniform. Baggy pants and an old man button up shirt look good on no one. Please... tell me what to do.
Sincerely,
Produce Puppy Love
PPL,
Isn't this cute? Who knew fruit could be so romantic? I love a good Asian pear as much as the next girl, but it never helped me fall in love. I don't even know what to bring attention to first. There is your references to multiple fresh produce items. I'm curious to know more about this banana display. However, now is not the time. Something like this kind of happened to me one time. Well, except for the boy never talked to me. Now that I think of it, he only came into the store once. Oh, and the grocery store was a shoe emporium and now that I mention it... I didn't actually work there. So I guess my situation is nothing like yours. The point is I saw a beautiful man inside of a store. The End. But enough about me... You have a real chance here. He is making an effort to come to you. Since he doesn't know where you live (and shouldn't if you haven't told him...creepy) this is the next best thing. Obviously your dazzling face and admirable knowledge about guavas has won his heart so he doesn't even notice that you're dressed like Mr. Rogers. Now it is time for you to make a little move of your own. Invite him to do something outside of the grocery store...heck, even out of the produce section would be an upgrade. Have a picnic in the cereal aisle for all I care. Oooh! Idea... you work with fruit. Fruit is a key ingredient in smoothies. Offer to make smoothies! Have you ever heard of anyone turning down a delightfully, refreshing fruit drink? I think not PPL... I think not. I feel pretty good about you and this fella and trust me... my feelings are pretty spot on. Take J.Lo and Ben Affleck. I knew they were over before they even started. Goodnight and good luck!
Dotty Mae
November 1, 2010
September 24, 2010
Well folks... here is a rare occurrence. A sappy girl who is in love with a clueless boy wrote in about the unfairness of unrequited love. Girl gets makeover, boy acts weird (whats new?), girl eats three king sized Snickers bars and cries herself to sleep. Then out of the blue I get another letter from a clueless boy who is confused about his feelings for his quiet/supportive/dependable best friend (oh, I should mention his friend is a girl). Friend gets makeover, boy acts weird (surprise surprise), boy can't eat, boy can't sleep. The End. Or is it? This sounded strange...and trust me, I know strange. After doing a little digging...okay, I just e-mailed them. There was no heavy labor involved. Anyway, it was determined that the sappy girl from the first letter was the dependable best friend from the other and the clueless boy is one in the same. A couple e-mails later and voila...
Dear Dotty,
Once upon a time there was a girl (okay, I'm the girl). She was semi decent looking, average height and mediocre hair. This girl is in love with this boy. He is Uh.Maze.Ing. When he smiles the whole room lights up. He has amazing hair, eyes, nose, laugh, eye crinkles, sense of humor and so much more. Like for reals. The list could go on and on. Now lets cut to the chase. We have been friends forever. That's right, the dreaded BFF status. Barf. We were fishing buddies when we were 7. He helped me learn how to swim and ride a bike. We had the same teachers throughout high school. He came to me when he got his first girlfriend and his second...and third...and fourth. I went to him when.... well, never. Because I've never had a boyfriend. I have always been holding out some hope that he would wake up and realize he is in love with me. My friend and I had this crazy idea to do a major makeover. Hair, clothes, makeup...the works. Dotty, I felt amazing and like I was finally worthy enough to stand next to him. When it came time for the big reveal I was so excited. I had it all planned out. We would meet up for lunch and I would make this dramatic entrance like in the movies. My hair would be blowing in the wind, a magical spotlight would suddenly follow me as I walk. Everyone would be staring at me. Well, it didn't turn out like that. I walked in and he was in the bathroom. On his way out of the bathroom he got stopped by one of the waitresses because she wanted to flirt with him. I was so distracted that I spilled soda all over my shirt. I could still salvage this though, right? Wrong. When he got there he said nothing. Let me repeat that...NOTHING. It wasn't one of those stunned silences though. It was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I went home and emptied a bottle of cheese wiz into my mouth and then fell asleep watching reruns of Judge Judy. What is even worse is how he has been acting. He gets all quiet, he won't look me in the eye and his eyes never crinkle anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I do a make under? Help...please.
Love,
Made Over Molly
Oh it is just so so sad isn't it? First of all, if a person lowers themselves to eating cheese wiz straight out of the can, then there are some serious depression issues. Whipped cream...okay. Chocolate syrup...borderline. Cheese wiz...a complete and hopeless breakdown. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is to add Judge Judy to the mix. I was just about to tell her this (while also asking her what exactly an "eye crinkle" is) when I found this...
Dear Dotty,
I feel kind of weird doing this because I think it is slightly chicky (not that that is a bad thing), but my best friend just loves you, so I figured I would give it a shot. I'm actually writing about my best friend. You see... things have been different lately. We have been so close for as long as I can remember. We grew up together, played together, swam together. We even toilet papered our Principal's house once. She has always been there for me and I hope that in some way I've always been there for her. I always thought she was cute. She has the most unique green eyes, she always smells like a cookie and her nose scrunches when she laughs really hard. I know she does that whole girl thing where she thinks she is awkward or ugly, but it just isn't true. Anyway, things were good. We were best friends, always meant to be best friends...and that was it. But then one day we met up for lunch. She got to the restaurant when I was in the bathroom. I saw her right when I walked out and it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually did kind of double over because it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Can you believe the waitress actually asked if I needed assistance to the bathroom? I should have just turned around then, but I didn't want to look like a jerk by walking away and ignoring her. So what do I do? I sit down...and ignore her. Awesome. I didn't know what to say. She was beautiful. Scratch that...she IS beautiful. Dotty, I don't know what to do. It has been a few weeks now and I still get all tongue tied around her. I can't eat or sleep. I'm kind of in love with her, but I think if she found out she would drop me like a bad habit. So...what do I do?
Sincerely,
Friend
Dear M.O.M and Friend,
Yes... I'm writing the both of you. After I finished puking up sugar sweet love vomit, I put on my detective hat and got to crackin' this mystery o' love. It didn't take long to determine that you two are talking about each other. Oh sigh... isn't that just precious? It is like destiny...or something silly like that. So...here is my advice. M.O.M, isn't it funny that sometimes how we see ourselves is completely different from how other people see us? You thought you were awkward and average, but he saw something else. You need to be confident in yourself. Girls are just stupid like that though. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Friend, your biggest problem is that you are a boy (and if we talked to the waitress, apparently a little gassy). You also have an eye crinkle, which I'm still not sure if it is a good or bad thing. Boys have the tendency to get confused pretty easily. One day she is your best friend and that is it. Then the next day you wake up and you want to kiss her..and kiss her good. Now the rest is really up to you guys. Talking would be good...followed by a little hugging...then some kissing...then some DTRing...then a little more kissing. You're welcome.
Love,
Dotty
P.S. Invite me to the wedding.
Dear Dotty,
Once upon a time there was a girl (okay, I'm the girl). She was semi decent looking, average height and mediocre hair. This girl is in love with this boy. He is Uh.Maze.Ing. When he smiles the whole room lights up. He has amazing hair, eyes, nose, laugh, eye crinkles, sense of humor and so much more. Like for reals. The list could go on and on. Now lets cut to the chase. We have been friends forever. That's right, the dreaded BFF status. Barf. We were fishing buddies when we were 7. He helped me learn how to swim and ride a bike. We had the same teachers throughout high school. He came to me when he got his first girlfriend and his second...and third...and fourth. I went to him when.... well, never. Because I've never had a boyfriend. I have always been holding out some hope that he would wake up and realize he is in love with me. My friend and I had this crazy idea to do a major makeover. Hair, clothes, makeup...the works. Dotty, I felt amazing and like I was finally worthy enough to stand next to him. When it came time for the big reveal I was so excited. I had it all planned out. We would meet up for lunch and I would make this dramatic entrance like in the movies. My hair would be blowing in the wind, a magical spotlight would suddenly follow me as I walk. Everyone would be staring at me. Well, it didn't turn out like that. I walked in and he was in the bathroom. On his way out of the bathroom he got stopped by one of the waitresses because she wanted to flirt with him. I was so distracted that I spilled soda all over my shirt. I could still salvage this though, right? Wrong. When he got there he said nothing. Let me repeat that...NOTHING. It wasn't one of those stunned silences though. It was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I went home and emptied a bottle of cheese wiz into my mouth and then fell asleep watching reruns of Judge Judy. What is even worse is how he has been acting. He gets all quiet, he won't look me in the eye and his eyes never crinkle anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I do a make under? Help...please.
Love,
Made Over Molly
Oh it is just so so sad isn't it? First of all, if a person lowers themselves to eating cheese wiz straight out of the can, then there are some serious depression issues. Whipped cream...okay. Chocolate syrup...borderline. Cheese wiz...a complete and hopeless breakdown. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is to add Judge Judy to the mix. I was just about to tell her this (while also asking her what exactly an "eye crinkle" is) when I found this...
Dear Dotty,
I feel kind of weird doing this because I think it is slightly chicky (not that that is a bad thing), but my best friend just loves you, so I figured I would give it a shot. I'm actually writing about my best friend. You see... things have been different lately. We have been so close for as long as I can remember. We grew up together, played together, swam together. We even toilet papered our Principal's house once. She has always been there for me and I hope that in some way I've always been there for her. I always thought she was cute. She has the most unique green eyes, she always smells like a cookie and her nose scrunches when she laughs really hard. I know she does that whole girl thing where she thinks she is awkward or ugly, but it just isn't true. Anyway, things were good. We were best friends, always meant to be best friends...and that was it. But then one day we met up for lunch. She got to the restaurant when I was in the bathroom. I saw her right when I walked out and it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually did kind of double over because it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Can you believe the waitress actually asked if I needed assistance to the bathroom? I should have just turned around then, but I didn't want to look like a jerk by walking away and ignoring her. So what do I do? I sit down...and ignore her. Awesome. I didn't know what to say. She was beautiful. Scratch that...she IS beautiful. Dotty, I don't know what to do. It has been a few weeks now and I still get all tongue tied around her. I can't eat or sleep. I'm kind of in love with her, but I think if she found out she would drop me like a bad habit. So...what do I do?
Sincerely,
Friend
Dear M.O.M and Friend,
Yes... I'm writing the both of you. After I finished puking up sugar sweet love vomit, I put on my detective hat and got to crackin' this mystery o' love. It didn't take long to determine that you two are talking about each other. Oh sigh... isn't that just precious? It is like destiny...or something silly like that. So...here is my advice. M.O.M, isn't it funny that sometimes how we see ourselves is completely different from how other people see us? You thought you were awkward and average, but he saw something else. You need to be confident in yourself. Girls are just stupid like that though. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Friend, your biggest problem is that you are a boy (and if we talked to the waitress, apparently a little gassy). You also have an eye crinkle, which I'm still not sure if it is a good or bad thing. Boys have the tendency to get confused pretty easily. One day she is your best friend and that is it. Then the next day you wake up and you want to kiss her..and kiss her good. Now the rest is really up to you guys. Talking would be good...followed by a little hugging...then some kissing...then some DTRing...then a little more kissing. You're welcome.
Love,
Dotty
P.S. Invite me to the wedding.
August 24, 2010
Dotty,
I have a problem, but that probably doesn't really come as a shock to you. You probably think I'm just another loser. I think once you hear my dilemma you will think differently. First I should clarify that I'm a dude. On the outside my life is pretty rockin'. I'm attractive, fun, atheletic and I beat Halo in record time. My problem is the fact that I'm pushing thirty and the girls I go after don't know how to handle that. For instance, tak the girl I met in spin class last week. I was putin out vibes. I made sure to impress her with my spin skillz so that after class she would come and talk to me. Class ended. Two minutes went by, then five and then ten. Finally after that I went up and interrupted her conversation so I could talk to her. You know what happened? She brushed me off. She said hello and nothing else. I'm getting a little depressed because none of the girls I go for are feeling the same about me. Am I attracted to the wrong type of girls? I mean, I like them young, like 19 or 20, but that isn't a problem. Once they reach their early to mid-twenties they are just too old for me. Maybe the girl from spin class was too immature. I found out she was only 18, so maybe I should wait until she matures a little. What do you think? Am I lookin' in all the wrong places?
Love,
Spinner
Spinner,
So you're attractive, fun, athLetic, and a nerd ( sorry, Halo doesn't exactly add to your list of admirable qualities) but obviously you aren't very smert. Sorry, I mean smart. Either someone misled you your whole life and told you that the letter "z" can stand in place of "s" at the end of a word or you neglected to use spell check. If you can do as many push ups as you can make spelling errors, then I don't doubt the level of your athleticism. Now that I've just begun to humiliate you, I think it is time to move on to your other dilemma. Let me just start off by saying that... I hate boys like you. You have the Peter Pan syndrome. You're getting older and older, but you act younger and younger. News flash... girls don't want to date someone that is closer to their dads' age than hers. Sick, sick, sick. Do you realize how screwed up you are? You keep getting older, but the girls you go after get younger. What would have happened if that 18 year old child had said yes? Would you have dated her for two years and then dumped her because she was over the hill? You said something about that girl being immature, but I think you're wrong. She wasn't being immature at all. She was probably just listening to the advice her parents gave her when she was in elementary school about not talking to old, creepy strangers who like to hit on unsuspecting girls. Young girls don't look at you and see a drop dead gorgeous man that makes their heart skip a beat. They probably see a semi decent looking man with a receding hair line and wrinkles. If their heart races, then it is more out of fear than awe. So in answer to your question, yes. Something is wrong with you. You're a creeper. Not only that, but you have offended every woman over the age of 21. Nuts and bolts... you're screwed.
Dotty
P.S. You're wrong about something else... I don't think you're a loser. I think you're a pathetic, creepy loser.
I have a problem, but that probably doesn't really come as a shock to you. You probably think I'm just another loser. I think once you hear my dilemma you will think differently. First I should clarify that I'm a dude. On the outside my life is pretty rockin'. I'm attractive, fun, atheletic and I beat Halo in record time. My problem is the fact that I'm pushing thirty and the girls I go after don't know how to handle that. For instance, tak the girl I met in spin class last week. I was putin out vibes. I made sure to impress her with my spin skillz so that after class she would come and talk to me. Class ended. Two minutes went by, then five and then ten. Finally after that I went up and interrupted her conversation so I could talk to her. You know what happened? She brushed me off. She said hello and nothing else. I'm getting a little depressed because none of the girls I go for are feeling the same about me. Am I attracted to the wrong type of girls? I mean, I like them young, like 19 or 20, but that isn't a problem. Once they reach their early to mid-twenties they are just too old for me. Maybe the girl from spin class was too immature. I found out she was only 18, so maybe I should wait until she matures a little. What do you think? Am I lookin' in all the wrong places?
Love,
Spinner
Spinner,
So you're attractive, fun, athLetic, and a nerd ( sorry, Halo doesn't exactly add to your list of admirable qualities) but obviously you aren't very smert. Sorry, I mean smart. Either someone misled you your whole life and told you that the letter "z" can stand in place of "s" at the end of a word or you neglected to use spell check. If you can do as many push ups as you can make spelling errors, then I don't doubt the level of your athleticism. Now that I've just begun to humiliate you, I think it is time to move on to your other dilemma. Let me just start off by saying that... I hate boys like you. You have the Peter Pan syndrome. You're getting older and older, but you act younger and younger. News flash... girls don't want to date someone that is closer to their dads' age than hers. Sick, sick, sick. Do you realize how screwed up you are? You keep getting older, but the girls you go after get younger. What would have happened if that 18 year old child had said yes? Would you have dated her for two years and then dumped her because she was over the hill? You said something about that girl being immature, but I think you're wrong. She wasn't being immature at all. She was probably just listening to the advice her parents gave her when she was in elementary school about not talking to old, creepy strangers who like to hit on unsuspecting girls. Young girls don't look at you and see a drop dead gorgeous man that makes their heart skip a beat. They probably see a semi decent looking man with a receding hair line and wrinkles. If their heart races, then it is more out of fear than awe. So in answer to your question, yes. Something is wrong with you. You're a creeper. Not only that, but you have offended every woman over the age of 21. Nuts and bolts... you're screwed.
Dotty
P.S. You're wrong about something else... I don't think you're a loser. I think you're a pathetic, creepy loser.
July 1, 2010
It's been a long time. Forgive me. It is beautiful outside and it would be a shame to spend every waking minute on the computer. But don't worry, I couldn't stay away forever.
Lately I've been getting letters from members of the male persuasion. I know what you're thinking. "Boys have love trouble?" That is exactly what I thought. Then I read the e-mails. I thought girls were dumb. Don't get me wrong. Girls are still idiots, but I'm surprised boys can even function at times. Let the next letters be your evidence.
Dear Dotty,
I took this girl out on a date. She was a babe. Like I'm talking a 10 out of 10. But then again... I don't settle for anything less. So there we were at the Taco Shack. I was looking good. I was dressed in a mesh muscle tank and camo pants I had ordered me an extra grande burrito deluxe and her a taco salad minus the shell and meat. We were having a riveting discussion. I was telling her all about my most recent weight lifting competition. I took first place, but we can talk about that later. Anyway, so all the sudden she says she has to go to the bathroom. I excuse her and continue eating my food. Dotty, the funniest thing happened. She didn't come back. I waited for like twenty minutes. I just figured the cheese had gotten to her. Then after another ten minutes I sent someone looking for her. But she had disappeared! Naturally I was worried. Was there an emergency she had to go see to? Did she spill something on her dress and get embarrassed? I still don't know what happened. I've called her 27 times today, but she must have lost her phone. Maybe it is in the bathroom at the Taco Shack. I know she didn't leave because she didn't like me. It was obvious she was digging me. I can't think of anything. What do you think Dotty?
The Macho Man
You're an idiot.
Dotty
p.s. Okay, as much as I would want to leave it there, I can't. You're an egotistical schmuck AND an idiot. First off, if you want to impress a girl don't take her to the Taco Shack. You might as well eat with the hobos around a trash can fire. Second of all Fatty, why do you get to sit and stuff your face but she doesn't? If you really want your woman to eat lettuce, gum and air then you might as well marry a piece of cardboard. In fact, that would actually work out really well. She won't ever talk back, she will listen to you talk about yourself and you both are probably intellectually compatible. If that didn't turn her off then the constant bragging about yourself probably did the trick. Weightlifting? Really? Are you one of those guys who stands on stage with a bad tan and sequined speedo? The only thing that can rival weightlifting competitions for the title of white trash would probably be your outfit. When you described your outfit I immediately thought of a manager of a trailer park named Gunner with a mullet and a barbed wire tattoo. But I'm over you, so I'm going to stop pointing out our obvious flaws. Instead I'm going to give you the obvious reason as to why your date never came back to hang on your every word. She didn't leave to take care of a sick aunt, or to change her shirt. She didn't get sick from the food. If anything you made her want to hurl. She left because of YOU. It is a classic move. You go on a date and if the guy (okay, or the girl) is a complete goon you ditch them at the first available moment. She probably saw a break in the conversation (probably when you were staring at yourself in the napkin dispenser) and went for it. Seriously, every person has an emergency plan like this. You only confirmed her choice to be the right one when you called her a bajillion and one times. Uhh...not only are you annoying, but your weird. I know this may seem rude. I know you are just going to ignore whatever I say, so I figured I might as well just say it. Best of luck to you, Gunner.
Dear Dotty,
I had been interested in this girl for awhile now. We met when she was a Freshmen in college and I was a Junior. I just thought she was so cute. We would flirt, but then she would get a boyfriend and ignore me until they broke up. I just figured she was being a good girlfriend and not hanging out with a bunch of boys. Well a little bit ago she broke up with her boyfriend, so I decided to ask her out on a date. When she found out I was taking her to see my roommates band play, she got all excited and said yes. I figured she was excited to spend time with me. Dotty, I was so happy when she said yes. I wore my best shirt. I bought her flowers and took her to dinner. She seemed a little off the whole time, but I guess I told myself she was just as nervous as I was. We get to the concert and immediately she lit up. I thought we were having a great time, but when I got back from the bathroom she was next to the stage. With my roommate. Sucking his face off. I'm a little confused. I feel like she only said yes so she could try and woo my roommate. Obviously it worked because they have been dating for a week now. Do I just move on or keep trying to win her over? I feel like I'm a good guy, but she doesn't care.
Thanks,
The Other Roommate
Man, they really don't pay me enough...or at all. Sometimes the answer is so painfully obvious that I can't believe someone wouldn't pick up on it. The first obvious thing... she is a floozy. She bounces from dude to dude. When she gets bored she moves on to the next one. Then when she can't snag a guy she goes to her loyal follower (that would be you). You're like a little puppy dog and she is more than willing to dangle a bacon flavored dog treat in front of your face. This should have been your first hint that not only is she a crappy friend but she would be craptastically awful at being a girlfriend. You deserve better. The male population deserves better. It boggles my mind that guys even fall for girls like this. You're right, she did only go out with you to get her claws on your roommate. She is a selfish hag. You put yourself out there and she didn't even acknowledge it. Personally, I think you wasted a bouquet of flowers on her. What really makes me sad is to think of all the opportunities you've missed out on by waiting around for this little hussy. Okay, that was below the belt, but I am not taking it back. I think the best thing would be for you to drop her altogether. You don't need to immediately go searching for a new girl. It will happen when you aren't even expecting it For now, brush your shoulder off and keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I give your roommate and the floozy another three days...tops.
Lately I've been getting letters from members of the male persuasion. I know what you're thinking. "Boys have love trouble?" That is exactly what I thought. Then I read the e-mails. I thought girls were dumb. Don't get me wrong. Girls are still idiots, but I'm surprised boys can even function at times. Let the next letters be your evidence.
Dear Dotty,
I took this girl out on a date. She was a babe. Like I'm talking a 10 out of 10. But then again... I don't settle for anything less. So there we were at the Taco Shack. I was looking good. I was dressed in a mesh muscle tank and camo pants I had ordered me an extra grande burrito deluxe and her a taco salad minus the shell and meat. We were having a riveting discussion. I was telling her all about my most recent weight lifting competition. I took first place, but we can talk about that later. Anyway, so all the sudden she says she has to go to the bathroom. I excuse her and continue eating my food. Dotty, the funniest thing happened. She didn't come back. I waited for like twenty minutes. I just figured the cheese had gotten to her. Then after another ten minutes I sent someone looking for her. But she had disappeared! Naturally I was worried. Was there an emergency she had to go see to? Did she spill something on her dress and get embarrassed? I still don't know what happened. I've called her 27 times today, but she must have lost her phone. Maybe it is in the bathroom at the Taco Shack. I know she didn't leave because she didn't like me. It was obvious she was digging me. I can't think of anything. What do you think Dotty?
The Macho Man
You're an idiot.
Dotty
p.s. Okay, as much as I would want to leave it there, I can't. You're an egotistical schmuck AND an idiot. First off, if you want to impress a girl don't take her to the Taco Shack. You might as well eat with the hobos around a trash can fire. Second of all Fatty, why do you get to sit and stuff your face but she doesn't? If you really want your woman to eat lettuce, gum and air then you might as well marry a piece of cardboard. In fact, that would actually work out really well. She won't ever talk back, she will listen to you talk about yourself and you both are probably intellectually compatible. If that didn't turn her off then the constant bragging about yourself probably did the trick. Weightlifting? Really? Are you one of those guys who stands on stage with a bad tan and sequined speedo? The only thing that can rival weightlifting competitions for the title of white trash would probably be your outfit. When you described your outfit I immediately thought of a manager of a trailer park named Gunner with a mullet and a barbed wire tattoo. But I'm over you, so I'm going to stop pointing out our obvious flaws. Instead I'm going to give you the obvious reason as to why your date never came back to hang on your every word. She didn't leave to take care of a sick aunt, or to change her shirt. She didn't get sick from the food. If anything you made her want to hurl. She left because of YOU. It is a classic move. You go on a date and if the guy (okay, or the girl) is a complete goon you ditch them at the first available moment. She probably saw a break in the conversation (probably when you were staring at yourself in the napkin dispenser) and went for it. Seriously, every person has an emergency plan like this. You only confirmed her choice to be the right one when you called her a bajillion and one times. Uhh...not only are you annoying, but your weird. I know this may seem rude. I know you are just going to ignore whatever I say, so I figured I might as well just say it. Best of luck to you, Gunner.
Dear Dotty,
I had been interested in this girl for awhile now. We met when she was a Freshmen in college and I was a Junior. I just thought she was so cute. We would flirt, but then she would get a boyfriend and ignore me until they broke up. I just figured she was being a good girlfriend and not hanging out with a bunch of boys. Well a little bit ago she broke up with her boyfriend, so I decided to ask her out on a date. When she found out I was taking her to see my roommates band play, she got all excited and said yes. I figured she was excited to spend time with me. Dotty, I was so happy when she said yes. I wore my best shirt. I bought her flowers and took her to dinner. She seemed a little off the whole time, but I guess I told myself she was just as nervous as I was. We get to the concert and immediately she lit up. I thought we were having a great time, but when I got back from the bathroom she was next to the stage. With my roommate. Sucking his face off. I'm a little confused. I feel like she only said yes so she could try and woo my roommate. Obviously it worked because they have been dating for a week now. Do I just move on or keep trying to win her over? I feel like I'm a good guy, but she doesn't care.
Thanks,
The Other Roommate
Man, they really don't pay me enough...or at all. Sometimes the answer is so painfully obvious that I can't believe someone wouldn't pick up on it. The first obvious thing... she is a floozy. She bounces from dude to dude. When she gets bored she moves on to the next one. Then when she can't snag a guy she goes to her loyal follower (that would be you). You're like a little puppy dog and she is more than willing to dangle a bacon flavored dog treat in front of your face. This should have been your first hint that not only is she a crappy friend but she would be craptastically awful at being a girlfriend. You deserve better. The male population deserves better. It boggles my mind that guys even fall for girls like this. You're right, she did only go out with you to get her claws on your roommate. She is a selfish hag. You put yourself out there and she didn't even acknowledge it. Personally, I think you wasted a bouquet of flowers on her. What really makes me sad is to think of all the opportunities you've missed out on by waiting around for this little hussy. Okay, that was below the belt, but I am not taking it back. I think the best thing would be for you to drop her altogether. You don't need to immediately go searching for a new girl. It will happen when you aren't even expecting it For now, brush your shoulder off and keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I give your roommate and the floozy another three days...tops.
May 30, 2010
Dotty,
I think I kind of like this boy. It is still a new development, so I'm not positive. You see... there are a couple things about him that seem a little iffy. I haven't met a boy I might like in quite awhile, so I don't know if I should just overlook those hang ups of his. He curses like a sailor, makes inappropriate comments, has fascination with Hello Kitty and talks about girls like they are items at a buffet. It has always bugged me when people swear like it is no big deal. That dumb cat has always scared me and when dudes talk about girls they just sound desparate. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if I really should be concerned. Maybe I'm just picky... I mean everyone has their quirks, right? Basically, I want to know if I should pursue this or just move on. I need your wisdom, Dotty.
Too Picky
Listen, Picky. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose. I know... that doesn't make sense yet, but it will. I've always been told to trust your gut instinct. The fact that A) You even wrote me and B) you used words like "kind of", "I think", "maybe" and "not positive" should be good indications that you aren't catching what Kitty is throwing. Personally, I don't even see why you wrote me. The Hello Kitty thing should have been your first giant, flashing, neon sign. Grown men should not like kitties. Grown men should not like cartoons about kitties. Grown men shouldn't like cartoons. Does he not realize that his "manhood points" just went down greatly. In fact, what little points he did have are now nonexistent. Actually, they are in the negatives. He just totally hosed himself. If that didn't completely shoot his chances to the ground then the constant talk of ladies really screwed him over. One way to NOT impress a girl is to talk about other girls. Especially since the girls dudes choose to talk about are 5'7, big chested, super model blondes with designer clothes and little puppies in their purses. Wow... if that is the case then someone might as well kick me in the ovaries because I ain't got a chance. I can maybe reach 5'5 if I wear heels, I get my clothes off the clearance rack, I hate dogs and I won't even touch the big chest part. Lets just say that without padded bras I would resemble a young boy. Honestly though... this guy makes me feel ill. He sounds awkward, obnoxious, desperate and disrespectful. Do you really want to hang out with someone like that let alone kiss him? Especially since he probably would put on Hello Kitty fruity tutti chap stick to prep for kissing you. Really? You want that? I think not. Don't feel embarrassed. We all make mistakes at times. It is what keeps us humble. Sometimes we like boys we definitely shouldn't. If it makes you feel better I could tell you about my short love for the man who ran the ferris wheel at the carnival. Yep, I fell in love with a carnie. Don't judge me. I was young and his gummy smile was very intriguing. So... drop this dude and move on.
Dotty
P.S. I forgot to address the nose picking comment. Basically... I just wanted to say it. The part I wanted you to focus on was the picking your friends part. You have the choice to hang out with you want to hang out with. So... the only reason you would keep being around this guy is if you chose to do it. I also think you should avoid picking anyones nose, but that is just a side note. The End.
I think I kind of like this boy. It is still a new development, so I'm not positive. You see... there are a couple things about him that seem a little iffy. I haven't met a boy I might like in quite awhile, so I don't know if I should just overlook those hang ups of his. He curses like a sailor, makes inappropriate comments, has fascination with Hello Kitty and talks about girls like they are items at a buffet. It has always bugged me when people swear like it is no big deal. That dumb cat has always scared me and when dudes talk about girls they just sound desparate. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if I really should be concerned. Maybe I'm just picky... I mean everyone has their quirks, right? Basically, I want to know if I should pursue this or just move on. I need your wisdom, Dotty.
Too Picky
Listen, Picky. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose. I know... that doesn't make sense yet, but it will. I've always been told to trust your gut instinct. The fact that A) You even wrote me and B) you used words like "kind of", "I think", "maybe" and "not positive" should be good indications that you aren't catching what Kitty is throwing. Personally, I don't even see why you wrote me. The Hello Kitty thing should have been your first giant, flashing, neon sign. Grown men should not like kitties. Grown men should not like cartoons about kitties. Grown men shouldn't like cartoons. Does he not realize that his "manhood points" just went down greatly. In fact, what little points he did have are now nonexistent. Actually, they are in the negatives. He just totally hosed himself. If that didn't completely shoot his chances to the ground then the constant talk of ladies really screwed him over. One way to NOT impress a girl is to talk about other girls. Especially since the girls dudes choose to talk about are 5'7, big chested, super model blondes with designer clothes and little puppies in their purses. Wow... if that is the case then someone might as well kick me in the ovaries because I ain't got a chance. I can maybe reach 5'5 if I wear heels, I get my clothes off the clearance rack, I hate dogs and I won't even touch the big chest part. Lets just say that without padded bras I would resemble a young boy. Honestly though... this guy makes me feel ill. He sounds awkward, obnoxious, desperate and disrespectful. Do you really want to hang out with someone like that let alone kiss him? Especially since he probably would put on Hello Kitty fruity tutti chap stick to prep for kissing you. Really? You want that? I think not. Don't feel embarrassed. We all make mistakes at times. It is what keeps us humble. Sometimes we like boys we definitely shouldn't. If it makes you feel better I could tell you about my short love for the man who ran the ferris wheel at the carnival. Yep, I fell in love with a carnie. Don't judge me. I was young and his gummy smile was very intriguing. So... drop this dude and move on.
Dotty
P.S. I forgot to address the nose picking comment. Basically... I just wanted to say it. The part I wanted you to focus on was the picking your friends part. You have the choice to hang out with you want to hang out with. So... the only reason you would keep being around this guy is if you chose to do it. I also think you should avoid picking anyones nose, but that is just a side note. The End.
May 3, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I've had extremely rotten luck when it comes to dates. I have great friends who happen to think that I need a boyfriend. Hey, I'm not complaining if that happened, but they seem to personally take it upon themselves to find me "that guy". So my great friends set me up on countless numbers of not so great blind dates. This last one was no exception. I told myself that if it was awful that I would never again go on a blind date. That being said, I did go in with the best attitude I could muster up. It was in vain. He was so pushy. He cracked a number of "women" driver jokes, talked about his love of working out (sometimes two times a day...oh boy!), and we can't forget his love of Pokemon. Yes, you read that right. That creepy Asian inspired cult thing. He dedicates hours and hours to the "sport" and is in intensive training. Oh and we can't forget the fact that apparently he was embarrassed being around ME. For what exactly, I'm not sure. Needless to say... it was awful. I'm left wondering if I should just swear off all help from my friends or keep at it? I don't know if swearing off all blind dates is too drastic or not. Could it be that one day I do meet someone through a blind date and it doesn't make me hate my life?
The Blind Dater
Hmmm... so either your friends don't know you at all or secretly they are out to sabotage your happiness and well-being. This guys sounds like a complete goon. He sleeps with a Jiggly Puff night light (don't ask me how I know the name of an actual Pokemon, let's just say... I have a past) and YOU embarrass him. Wow. First off, everyone knows that Pokemon is for the Chess Club rejects. He has probably been harboring some deep bitterness in his heart for years now and being a complete weirdo is his outlet. Let me guess, he also lives in his parents basement with a pet gerbil named Frances and he has every edition of the Spiderman comics. I think we need to take into account that 96% of blind dates all end up being the worst experience of a daters' life. Don't challenge where I got that statistic because I made it up. But I'm pretty sure if you wanted a legit percent it would be pretty close if not higher than the one I gave. Seriously, the worst day of my life was a blind date. Let's just say it involved a Dungeons and Dragons party, me dressed up as a dragon and being "stabbed" with an impromptu sword made from a metal hanger. Yep. I don't know what was worse. Enduring the 5 hours of dress up and medieval nonsense or the idea that one of my closest friends thought we would "just be two peas in a pod". Oh barf. We will tackle my woes later though. As for you, I don't think you should give up completely. Just pick better friends. Okay, I'm not serious. I do think you should shun them for at least a month for this though. I think the best thing I can say right now is to not spend all of your time waiting. Sometimes we get something we want when we are not really thinking about it. Now, don't become some loser freak who spends all her time watching reruns of Hannah Montana (been there) and eating all the cookie dough before you can make the cookies (done that). Go on. Have fun, be busy and be fan-friggen-tastic. If another opportunity for a blind date comes along, then take it. Maybe you could meet him that way. Or maybe you bump into him at the grocery store, the library or even the dump. You just never know. Keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I'm curious as to what "intensive training" for Pokemon is. Does it involve playing all the kids at the local elementary school during recess? On weekends does he spend his precious time studying by watching reruns of Pokemon on PBS? Oh sigh... nothing makes me swoon more than seeing Pikachu take down his opponent. Don't worry, I totally looked up "Pokemon characters" on google to try and find names. It not only made me ashamed, but confused. Don't judge me.
I've had extremely rotten luck when it comes to dates. I have great friends who happen to think that I need a boyfriend. Hey, I'm not complaining if that happened, but they seem to personally take it upon themselves to find me "that guy". So my great friends set me up on countless numbers of not so great blind dates. This last one was no exception. I told myself that if it was awful that I would never again go on a blind date. That being said, I did go in with the best attitude I could muster up. It was in vain. He was so pushy. He cracked a number of "women" driver jokes, talked about his love of working out (sometimes two times a day...oh boy!), and we can't forget his love of Pokemon. Yes, you read that right. That creepy Asian inspired cult thing. He dedicates hours and hours to the "sport" and is in intensive training. Oh and we can't forget the fact that apparently he was embarrassed being around ME. For what exactly, I'm not sure. Needless to say... it was awful. I'm left wondering if I should just swear off all help from my friends or keep at it? I don't know if swearing off all blind dates is too drastic or not. Could it be that one day I do meet someone through a blind date and it doesn't make me hate my life?
The Blind Dater
Hmmm... so either your friends don't know you at all or secretly they are out to sabotage your happiness and well-being. This guys sounds like a complete goon. He sleeps with a Jiggly Puff night light (don't ask me how I know the name of an actual Pokemon, let's just say... I have a past) and YOU embarrass him. Wow. First off, everyone knows that Pokemon is for the Chess Club rejects. He has probably been harboring some deep bitterness in his heart for years now and being a complete weirdo is his outlet. Let me guess, he also lives in his parents basement with a pet gerbil named Frances and he has every edition of the Spiderman comics. I think we need to take into account that 96% of blind dates all end up being the worst experience of a daters' life. Don't challenge where I got that statistic because I made it up. But I'm pretty sure if you wanted a legit percent it would be pretty close if not higher than the one I gave. Seriously, the worst day of my life was a blind date. Let's just say it involved a Dungeons and Dragons party, me dressed up as a dragon and being "stabbed" with an impromptu sword made from a metal hanger. Yep. I don't know what was worse. Enduring the 5 hours of dress up and medieval nonsense or the idea that one of my closest friends thought we would "just be two peas in a pod". Oh barf. We will tackle my woes later though. As for you, I don't think you should give up completely. Just pick better friends. Okay, I'm not serious. I do think you should shun them for at least a month for this though. I think the best thing I can say right now is to not spend all of your time waiting. Sometimes we get something we want when we are not really thinking about it. Now, don't become some loser freak who spends all her time watching reruns of Hannah Montana (been there) and eating all the cookie dough before you can make the cookies (done that). Go on. Have fun, be busy and be fan-friggen-tastic. If another opportunity for a blind date comes along, then take it. Maybe you could meet him that way. Or maybe you bump into him at the grocery store, the library or even the dump. You just never know. Keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I'm curious as to what "intensive training" for Pokemon is. Does it involve playing all the kids at the local elementary school during recess? On weekends does he spend his precious time studying by watching reruns of Pokemon on PBS? Oh sigh... nothing makes me swoon more than seeing Pikachu take down his opponent. Don't worry, I totally looked up "Pokemon characters" on google to try and find names. It not only made me ashamed, but confused. Don't judge me.
April 24, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I think something is wrong with me. I always seem to have crushes on guys that really just want to be my BFF. It is a continuous cycle. I meet a boy, I fall for said boy, we hang out all the time, I think boy may be interested in me, boy isn't... done. Then lather, rinse, repeat and it is back to the beginning. As if being completely rejected wasn't enough, the boy usually comes to me for his love woes. I.Hate.It. My recent failed attempt took it one step further. He rattled off some list of his "perfect" dream girl. She is blonde (so unoriginal), negative 80 pounds (so I like meat...sue me), has giant...well, you know, sings like an angel, smells like vanilla (yeah...he went there), plays every instrument, speaks Spanish and dresses like she just walked off a runway. Basically he wants Barbie to match his Ken and to be happy and tan together. Well let me give you a rundown about me now. I definitely do not have blonde hair. I tried once and it was a complete tragedy. My "ladies", if you will, are nothing to look at (literally...there is nothing to look at), I sang in school once and a pack of dogs ran through the auditorium and apparently I smell like hot trash because I don't use vanilla perfume. I really am a lost cause. Should I try and change? Do I work to develop these "fine" qualities? Why don't boys like me? I really am pretty cool. Every once in awhile... maybe... a little...okay, it is very rare.
Sincerely,
Poor Man's Barbie
Whoa whoa whoa... slow your roll there tootsie. Take a breath and chill. Now let's get one thing straight, Barbie is a skank nasty floozy. No one really likes her. They just pretend because they only want a ride in her Barbie Dream Car. While I'm setting you straight on that I should probably set you straight on all of the other word vomit spewing forth out of your trap. First, I've just got to say that being negative 80 pounds is highly overrated...oh and highly impossible. No matter how hard you try (or how much you poop), you will never be that horrendously thin. Next, if she really played every instrument than I would judge her. That means she plays things like the piccolo or that weird kazoo thing. All trophy wife qualities aside though, I think there is a bigger fish to fry Boo. Even though it goes against every thing I believe in, I'm going to say this extremely cheesy and cliche message. It can be found in many a yearbooks (along with "Have a great summer" and "Science class just wouldn't have been the same without you..."). That message would be this: Be who you are. Don't ever change. Although saying that made me want to hurl a tad, it is true. Don't change because Malibu Ken wants you to. If he is looking for the perfect girl, then that boy ain't getting any for a long while. Last time I checked big boobs and platinum blonde hair were not considered "finer" qualities. Learning how to speak Spanish and play the piano, however, are pretty legit. But do those things because you want to. Forget Ken... you do realize that he is 100% plastic, right? I mean... ALL of him. Another thing, maybe you should start hanging out with new friends. They all sound slightly toolish and a waste of your time. If you hang out with people like Ken, then you will never break this cycle. Lastly, I think I have said this a kabajillion* and one times. You don't need a bunch of boyS to like you. It only takes one. So go on my dear. Your life hasn't ended horrifically because some Oakley wearing, Rock Star drinking, sun tanning butt head (yes, I pulled the butt head card) doesn't like you. In fact, he probably did you a favor.
Dotty Mae
P.S. You do know that Barbie and Ken recently went through an unfortunate divorce, right? So whoever your friend marries, he is kind of doomed from the beginning. Just sayin'.
*kabajillion- what you get when you times kazillion by bajillion.
I think something is wrong with me. I always seem to have crushes on guys that really just want to be my BFF. It is a continuous cycle. I meet a boy, I fall for said boy, we hang out all the time, I think boy may be interested in me, boy isn't... done. Then lather, rinse, repeat and it is back to the beginning. As if being completely rejected wasn't enough, the boy usually comes to me for his love woes. I.Hate.It. My recent failed attempt took it one step further. He rattled off some list of his "perfect" dream girl. She is blonde (so unoriginal), negative 80 pounds (so I like meat...sue me), has giant...well, you know, sings like an angel, smells like vanilla (yeah...he went there), plays every instrument, speaks Spanish and dresses like she just walked off a runway. Basically he wants Barbie to match his Ken and to be happy and tan together. Well let me give you a rundown about me now. I definitely do not have blonde hair. I tried once and it was a complete tragedy. My "ladies", if you will, are nothing to look at (literally...there is nothing to look at), I sang in school once and a pack of dogs ran through the auditorium and apparently I smell like hot trash because I don't use vanilla perfume. I really am a lost cause. Should I try and change? Do I work to develop these "fine" qualities? Why don't boys like me? I really am pretty cool. Every once in awhile... maybe... a little...okay, it is very rare.
Sincerely,
Poor Man's Barbie
Whoa whoa whoa... slow your roll there tootsie. Take a breath and chill. Now let's get one thing straight, Barbie is a skank nasty floozy. No one really likes her. They just pretend because they only want a ride in her Barbie Dream Car. While I'm setting you straight on that I should probably set you straight on all of the other word vomit spewing forth out of your trap. First, I've just got to say that being negative 80 pounds is highly overrated...oh and highly impossible. No matter how hard you try (or how much you poop), you will never be that horrendously thin. Next, if she really played every instrument than I would judge her. That means she plays things like the piccolo or that weird kazoo thing. All trophy wife qualities aside though, I think there is a bigger fish to fry Boo. Even though it goes against every thing I believe in, I'm going to say this extremely cheesy and cliche message. It can be found in many a yearbooks (along with "Have a great summer" and "Science class just wouldn't have been the same without you..."). That message would be this: Be who you are. Don't ever change. Although saying that made me want to hurl a tad, it is true. Don't change because Malibu Ken wants you to. If he is looking for the perfect girl, then that boy ain't getting any for a long while. Last time I checked big boobs and platinum blonde hair were not considered "finer" qualities. Learning how to speak Spanish and play the piano, however, are pretty legit. But do those things because you want to. Forget Ken... you do realize that he is 100% plastic, right? I mean... ALL of him. Another thing, maybe you should start hanging out with new friends. They all sound slightly toolish and a waste of your time. If you hang out with people like Ken, then you will never break this cycle. Lastly, I think I have said this a kabajillion* and one times. You don't need a bunch of boyS to like you. It only takes one. So go on my dear. Your life hasn't ended horrifically because some Oakley wearing, Rock Star drinking, sun tanning butt head (yes, I pulled the butt head card) doesn't like you. In fact, he probably did you a favor.
Dotty Mae
P.S. You do know that Barbie and Ken recently went through an unfortunate divorce, right? So whoever your friend marries, he is kind of doomed from the beginning. Just sayin'.
*kabajillion- what you get when you times kazillion by bajillion.
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