It's been a long time. Forgive me. It is beautiful outside and it would be a shame to spend every waking minute on the computer. But don't worry, I couldn't stay away forever.

Lately I've been getting letters from members of the male persuasion. I know what you're thinking. "Boys have love trouble?" That is exactly what I thought. Then I read the e-mails. I thought girls were dumb. Don't get me wrong. Girls are still idiots, but I'm surprised boys can even function at times. Let the next letters be your evidence.

Dear Dotty,

I took this girl out on a date. She was a babe. Like I'm talking a 10 out of 10. But then again... I don't settle for anything less. So there we were at the Taco Shack. I was looking good. I was dressed in a mesh muscle tank and camo pants I had ordered me an extra grande burrito deluxe and her a taco salad minus the shell and meat. We were having a riveting discussion. I was telling her all about my most recent weight lifting competition. I took first place, but we can talk about that later. Anyway, so all the sudden she says she has to go to the bathroom. I excuse her and continue eating my food. Dotty, the funniest thing happened. She didn't come back. I waited for like twenty minutes. I just figured the cheese had gotten to her. Then after another ten minutes I sent someone looking for her. But she had disappeared! Naturally I was worried. Was there an emergency she had to go see to? Did she spill something on her dress and get embarrassed? I still don't know what happened. I've called her 27 times today, but she must have lost her phone. Maybe it is in the bathroom at the Taco Shack. I know she didn't leave because she didn't like me. It was obvious she was digging me. I can't think of anything. What do you think Dotty?

The Macho Man

You're an idiot.

Dotty

p.s. Okay, as much as I would want to leave it there, I can't. You're an egotistical schmuck AND an idiot. First off, if you want to impress a girl don't take her to the Taco Shack. You might as well eat with the hobos around a trash can fire. Second of all Fatty, why do you get to sit and stuff your face but she doesn't? If you really want your woman to eat lettuce, gum and air then you might as well marry a piece of cardboard. In fact, that would actually work out really well. She won't ever talk back, she will listen to you talk about yourself and you both are probably intellectually compatible. If that didn't turn her off then the constant bragging about yourself probably did the trick. Weightlifting? Really? Are you one of those guys who stands on stage with a bad tan and sequined speedo? The only thing that can rival weightlifting competitions for the title of white trash would probably be your outfit. When you described your outfit I immediately thought of a manager of a trailer park named Gunner with a mullet and a barbed wire tattoo. But I'm over you, so I'm going to stop pointing out our obvious flaws. Instead I'm going to give you the obvious reason as to why your date never came back to hang on your every word. She didn't leave to take care of a sick aunt, or to change her shirt. She didn't get sick from the food. If anything you made her want to hurl. She left because of YOU. It is a classic move. You go on a date and if the guy (okay, or the girl) is a complete goon you ditch them at the first available moment. She probably saw a break in the conversation (probably when you were staring at yourself in the napkin dispenser) and went for it. Seriously, every person has an emergency plan like this. You only confirmed her choice to be the right one when you called her a bajillion and one times. Uhh...not only are you annoying, but your weird. I know this may seem rude. I know you are just going to ignore whatever I say, so I figured I might as well just say it. Best of luck to you, Gunner.

Dear Dotty,

I had been interested in this girl for awhile now. We met when she was a Freshmen in college and I was a Junior. I just thought she was so cute. We would flirt, but then she would get a boyfriend and ignore me until they broke up. I just figured she was being a good girlfriend and not hanging out with a bunch of boys. Well a little bit ago she broke up with her boyfriend, so I decided to ask her out on a date. When she found out I was taking her to see my roommates band play, she got all excited and said yes. I figured she was excited to spend time with me. Dotty, I was so happy when she said yes. I wore my best shirt. I bought her flowers and took her to dinner. She seemed a little off the whole time, but I guess I told myself she was just as nervous as I was. We get to the concert and immediately she lit up. I thought we were having a great time, but when I got back from the bathroom she was next to the stage. With my roommate. Sucking his face off. I'm a little confused. I feel like she only said yes so she could try and woo my roommate. Obviously it worked because they have been dating for a week now. Do I just move on or keep trying to win her over? I feel like I'm a good guy, but she doesn't care.

Thanks,
The Other Roommate

Man, they really don't pay me enough...or at all. Sometimes the answer is so painfully obvious that I can't believe someone wouldn't pick up on it. The first obvious thing... she is a floozy. She bounces from dude to dude. When she gets bored she moves on to the next one. Then when she can't snag a guy she goes to her loyal follower (that would be you). You're like a little puppy dog and she is more than willing to dangle a bacon flavored dog treat in front of your face. This should have been your first hint that not only is she a crappy friend but she would be craptastically awful at being a girlfriend. You deserve better. The male population deserves better. It boggles my mind that guys even fall for girls like this. You're right, she did only go out with you to get her claws on your roommate. She is a selfish hag. You put yourself out there and she didn't even acknowledge it. Personally, I think you wasted a bouquet of flowers on her. What really makes me sad is to think of all the opportunities you've missed out on by waiting around for this little hussy. Okay, that was below the belt, but I am not taking it back. I think the best thing would be for you to drop her altogether. You don't need to immediately go searching for a new girl. It will happen when you aren't even expecting it For now, brush your shoulder off and keep on keepin' on.

Dotty

P.S. I give your roommate and the floozy another three days...tops.