Dear Dotty,
Hmmm... Where to begin? It all started a few months ago. I started my new job at a local grocery store. If you want help finding the perfect kumquat, then I'm your girl. It is an average job at best. Nothing exciting ever happens. Well except for that one time the bag boy tripped over a stray Granny Smith apple, but that is another story. Anyway, one day this dazzling man came into the store. My heart literally stopped. I was just minding my own business, putting away bags of organic spinach and then... BAM! Sucker punch to the stomach. All I could do was stare. How could I even concentrate on produce at a time like this? Seriously, I was going coconuts. Thankfully, I managed to turn away before he caught me checking him out. He walked around a little (I tell myself he was admiring the brand new banana display I had just completed) but after a few minutes he left. My life was complete. I had seen the most handsome man. I spent the rest of my shift daydreaming about his beauty. The next day I went in still thinking about the spectacular specimen. Not even two hours into my shift guess who shows up? Yep, the Beauty. It gets better. He has come in almost everyday for like a month. He hangs out in my department and then leaves. He has even started talking to me. We have full on convos like all the time. I think he kind of likes me and wants to ask me out, but I'm not sure. What should I do, Dotty? Should I just take the lead and ask him out? I can only tell him about our different brands of potatoes so many times. I would also like for him to see me in something other than my uniform. Baggy pants and an old man button up shirt look good on no one. Please... tell me what to do.
Sincerely,
Produce Puppy Love
PPL,
Isn't this cute? Who knew fruit could be so romantic? I love a good Asian pear as much as the next girl, but it never helped me fall in love. I don't even know what to bring attention to first. There is your references to multiple fresh produce items. I'm curious to know more about this banana display. However, now is not the time. Something like this kind of happened to me one time. Well, except for the boy never talked to me. Now that I think of it, he only came into the store once. Oh, and the grocery store was a shoe emporium and now that I mention it... I didn't actually work there. So I guess my situation is nothing like yours. The point is I saw a beautiful man inside of a store. The End. But enough about me... You have a real chance here. He is making an effort to come to you. Since he doesn't know where you live (and shouldn't if you haven't told him...creepy) this is the next best thing. Obviously your dazzling face and admirable knowledge about guavas has won his heart so he doesn't even notice that you're dressed like Mr. Rogers. Now it is time for you to make a little move of your own. Invite him to do something outside of the grocery store...heck, even out of the produce section would be an upgrade. Have a picnic in the cereal aisle for all I care. Oooh! Idea... you work with fruit. Fruit is a key ingredient in smoothies. Offer to make smoothies! Have you ever heard of anyone turning down a delightfully, refreshing fruit drink? I think not PPL... I think not. I feel pretty good about you and this fella and trust me... my feelings are pretty spot on. Take J.Lo and Ben Affleck. I knew they were over before they even started. Goodnight and good luck!
Dotty Mae
November 1, 2010
September 24, 2010
Well folks... here is a rare occurrence. A sappy girl who is in love with a clueless boy wrote in about the unfairness of unrequited love. Girl gets makeover, boy acts weird (whats new?), girl eats three king sized Snickers bars and cries herself to sleep. Then out of the blue I get another letter from a clueless boy who is confused about his feelings for his quiet/supportive/dependable best friend (oh, I should mention his friend is a girl). Friend gets makeover, boy acts weird (surprise surprise), boy can't eat, boy can't sleep. The End. Or is it? This sounded strange...and trust me, I know strange. After doing a little digging...okay, I just e-mailed them. There was no heavy labor involved. Anyway, it was determined that the sappy girl from the first letter was the dependable best friend from the other and the clueless boy is one in the same. A couple e-mails later and voila...
Dear Dotty,
Once upon a time there was a girl (okay, I'm the girl). She was semi decent looking, average height and mediocre hair. This girl is in love with this boy. He is Uh.Maze.Ing. When he smiles the whole room lights up. He has amazing hair, eyes, nose, laugh, eye crinkles, sense of humor and so much more. Like for reals. The list could go on and on. Now lets cut to the chase. We have been friends forever. That's right, the dreaded BFF status. Barf. We were fishing buddies when we were 7. He helped me learn how to swim and ride a bike. We had the same teachers throughout high school. He came to me when he got his first girlfriend and his second...and third...and fourth. I went to him when.... well, never. Because I've never had a boyfriend. I have always been holding out some hope that he would wake up and realize he is in love with me. My friend and I had this crazy idea to do a major makeover. Hair, clothes, makeup...the works. Dotty, I felt amazing and like I was finally worthy enough to stand next to him. When it came time for the big reveal I was so excited. I had it all planned out. We would meet up for lunch and I would make this dramatic entrance like in the movies. My hair would be blowing in the wind, a magical spotlight would suddenly follow me as I walk. Everyone would be staring at me. Well, it didn't turn out like that. I walked in and he was in the bathroom. On his way out of the bathroom he got stopped by one of the waitresses because she wanted to flirt with him. I was so distracted that I spilled soda all over my shirt. I could still salvage this though, right? Wrong. When he got there he said nothing. Let me repeat that...NOTHING. It wasn't one of those stunned silences though. It was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I went home and emptied a bottle of cheese wiz into my mouth and then fell asleep watching reruns of Judge Judy. What is even worse is how he has been acting. He gets all quiet, he won't look me in the eye and his eyes never crinkle anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I do a make under? Help...please.
Love,
Made Over Molly
Oh it is just so so sad isn't it? First of all, if a person lowers themselves to eating cheese wiz straight out of the can, then there are some serious depression issues. Whipped cream...okay. Chocolate syrup...borderline. Cheese wiz...a complete and hopeless breakdown. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is to add Judge Judy to the mix. I was just about to tell her this (while also asking her what exactly an "eye crinkle" is) when I found this...
Dear Dotty,
I feel kind of weird doing this because I think it is slightly chicky (not that that is a bad thing), but my best friend just loves you, so I figured I would give it a shot. I'm actually writing about my best friend. You see... things have been different lately. We have been so close for as long as I can remember. We grew up together, played together, swam together. We even toilet papered our Principal's house once. She has always been there for me and I hope that in some way I've always been there for her. I always thought she was cute. She has the most unique green eyes, she always smells like a cookie and her nose scrunches when she laughs really hard. I know she does that whole girl thing where she thinks she is awkward or ugly, but it just isn't true. Anyway, things were good. We were best friends, always meant to be best friends...and that was it. But then one day we met up for lunch. She got to the restaurant when I was in the bathroom. I saw her right when I walked out and it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually did kind of double over because it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Can you believe the waitress actually asked if I needed assistance to the bathroom? I should have just turned around then, but I didn't want to look like a jerk by walking away and ignoring her. So what do I do? I sit down...and ignore her. Awesome. I didn't know what to say. She was beautiful. Scratch that...she IS beautiful. Dotty, I don't know what to do. It has been a few weeks now and I still get all tongue tied around her. I can't eat or sleep. I'm kind of in love with her, but I think if she found out she would drop me like a bad habit. So...what do I do?
Sincerely,
Friend
Dear M.O.M and Friend,
Yes... I'm writing the both of you. After I finished puking up sugar sweet love vomit, I put on my detective hat and got to crackin' this mystery o' love. It didn't take long to determine that you two are talking about each other. Oh sigh... isn't that just precious? It is like destiny...or something silly like that. So...here is my advice. M.O.M, isn't it funny that sometimes how we see ourselves is completely different from how other people see us? You thought you were awkward and average, but he saw something else. You need to be confident in yourself. Girls are just stupid like that though. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Friend, your biggest problem is that you are a boy (and if we talked to the waitress, apparently a little gassy). You also have an eye crinkle, which I'm still not sure if it is a good or bad thing. Boys have the tendency to get confused pretty easily. One day she is your best friend and that is it. Then the next day you wake up and you want to kiss her..and kiss her good. Now the rest is really up to you guys. Talking would be good...followed by a little hugging...then some kissing...then some DTRing...then a little more kissing. You're welcome.
Love,
Dotty
P.S. Invite me to the wedding.
Dear Dotty,
Once upon a time there was a girl (okay, I'm the girl). She was semi decent looking, average height and mediocre hair. This girl is in love with this boy. He is Uh.Maze.Ing. When he smiles the whole room lights up. He has amazing hair, eyes, nose, laugh, eye crinkles, sense of humor and so much more. Like for reals. The list could go on and on. Now lets cut to the chase. We have been friends forever. That's right, the dreaded BFF status. Barf. We were fishing buddies when we were 7. He helped me learn how to swim and ride a bike. We had the same teachers throughout high school. He came to me when he got his first girlfriend and his second...and third...and fourth. I went to him when.... well, never. Because I've never had a boyfriend. I have always been holding out some hope that he would wake up and realize he is in love with me. My friend and I had this crazy idea to do a major makeover. Hair, clothes, makeup...the works. Dotty, I felt amazing and like I was finally worthy enough to stand next to him. When it came time for the big reveal I was so excited. I had it all planned out. We would meet up for lunch and I would make this dramatic entrance like in the movies. My hair would be blowing in the wind, a magical spotlight would suddenly follow me as I walk. Everyone would be staring at me. Well, it didn't turn out like that. I walked in and he was in the bathroom. On his way out of the bathroom he got stopped by one of the waitresses because she wanted to flirt with him. I was so distracted that I spilled soda all over my shirt. I could still salvage this though, right? Wrong. When he got there he said nothing. Let me repeat that...NOTHING. It wasn't one of those stunned silences though. It was like he didn't even notice. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I went home and emptied a bottle of cheese wiz into my mouth and then fell asleep watching reruns of Judge Judy. What is even worse is how he has been acting. He gets all quiet, he won't look me in the eye and his eyes never crinkle anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I do a make under? Help...please.
Love,
Made Over Molly
Oh it is just so so sad isn't it? First of all, if a person lowers themselves to eating cheese wiz straight out of the can, then there are some serious depression issues. Whipped cream...okay. Chocolate syrup...borderline. Cheese wiz...a complete and hopeless breakdown. The only thing that could possibly make it worse is to add Judge Judy to the mix. I was just about to tell her this (while also asking her what exactly an "eye crinkle" is) when I found this...
Dear Dotty,
I feel kind of weird doing this because I think it is slightly chicky (not that that is a bad thing), but my best friend just loves you, so I figured I would give it a shot. I'm actually writing about my best friend. You see... things have been different lately. We have been so close for as long as I can remember. We grew up together, played together, swam together. We even toilet papered our Principal's house once. She has always been there for me and I hope that in some way I've always been there for her. I always thought she was cute. She has the most unique green eyes, she always smells like a cookie and her nose scrunches when she laughs really hard. I know she does that whole girl thing where she thinks she is awkward or ugly, but it just isn't true. Anyway, things were good. We were best friends, always meant to be best friends...and that was it. But then one day we met up for lunch. She got to the restaurant when I was in the bathroom. I saw her right when I walked out and it was like someone had punched me in the gut. I actually did kind of double over because it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Can you believe the waitress actually asked if I needed assistance to the bathroom? I should have just turned around then, but I didn't want to look like a jerk by walking away and ignoring her. So what do I do? I sit down...and ignore her. Awesome. I didn't know what to say. She was beautiful. Scratch that...she IS beautiful. Dotty, I don't know what to do. It has been a few weeks now and I still get all tongue tied around her. I can't eat or sleep. I'm kind of in love with her, but I think if she found out she would drop me like a bad habit. So...what do I do?
Sincerely,
Friend
Dear M.O.M and Friend,
Yes... I'm writing the both of you. After I finished puking up sugar sweet love vomit, I put on my detective hat and got to crackin' this mystery o' love. It didn't take long to determine that you two are talking about each other. Oh sigh... isn't that just precious? It is like destiny...or something silly like that. So...here is my advice. M.O.M, isn't it funny that sometimes how we see ourselves is completely different from how other people see us? You thought you were awkward and average, but he saw something else. You need to be confident in yourself. Girls are just stupid like that though. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Friend, your biggest problem is that you are a boy (and if we talked to the waitress, apparently a little gassy). You also have an eye crinkle, which I'm still not sure if it is a good or bad thing. Boys have the tendency to get confused pretty easily. One day she is your best friend and that is it. Then the next day you wake up and you want to kiss her..and kiss her good. Now the rest is really up to you guys. Talking would be good...followed by a little hugging...then some kissing...then some DTRing...then a little more kissing. You're welcome.
Love,
Dotty
P.S. Invite me to the wedding.
August 24, 2010
Dotty,
I have a problem, but that probably doesn't really come as a shock to you. You probably think I'm just another loser. I think once you hear my dilemma you will think differently. First I should clarify that I'm a dude. On the outside my life is pretty rockin'. I'm attractive, fun, atheletic and I beat Halo in record time. My problem is the fact that I'm pushing thirty and the girls I go after don't know how to handle that. For instance, tak the girl I met in spin class last week. I was putin out vibes. I made sure to impress her with my spin skillz so that after class she would come and talk to me. Class ended. Two minutes went by, then five and then ten. Finally after that I went up and interrupted her conversation so I could talk to her. You know what happened? She brushed me off. She said hello and nothing else. I'm getting a little depressed because none of the girls I go for are feeling the same about me. Am I attracted to the wrong type of girls? I mean, I like them young, like 19 or 20, but that isn't a problem. Once they reach their early to mid-twenties they are just too old for me. Maybe the girl from spin class was too immature. I found out she was only 18, so maybe I should wait until she matures a little. What do you think? Am I lookin' in all the wrong places?
Love,
Spinner
Spinner,
So you're attractive, fun, athLetic, and a nerd ( sorry, Halo doesn't exactly add to your list of admirable qualities) but obviously you aren't very smert. Sorry, I mean smart. Either someone misled you your whole life and told you that the letter "z" can stand in place of "s" at the end of a word or you neglected to use spell check. If you can do as many push ups as you can make spelling errors, then I don't doubt the level of your athleticism. Now that I've just begun to humiliate you, I think it is time to move on to your other dilemma. Let me just start off by saying that... I hate boys like you. You have the Peter Pan syndrome. You're getting older and older, but you act younger and younger. News flash... girls don't want to date someone that is closer to their dads' age than hers. Sick, sick, sick. Do you realize how screwed up you are? You keep getting older, but the girls you go after get younger. What would have happened if that 18 year old child had said yes? Would you have dated her for two years and then dumped her because she was over the hill? You said something about that girl being immature, but I think you're wrong. She wasn't being immature at all. She was probably just listening to the advice her parents gave her when she was in elementary school about not talking to old, creepy strangers who like to hit on unsuspecting girls. Young girls don't look at you and see a drop dead gorgeous man that makes their heart skip a beat. They probably see a semi decent looking man with a receding hair line and wrinkles. If their heart races, then it is more out of fear than awe. So in answer to your question, yes. Something is wrong with you. You're a creeper. Not only that, but you have offended every woman over the age of 21. Nuts and bolts... you're screwed.
Dotty
P.S. You're wrong about something else... I don't think you're a loser. I think you're a pathetic, creepy loser.
I have a problem, but that probably doesn't really come as a shock to you. You probably think I'm just another loser. I think once you hear my dilemma you will think differently. First I should clarify that I'm a dude. On the outside my life is pretty rockin'. I'm attractive, fun, atheletic and I beat Halo in record time. My problem is the fact that I'm pushing thirty and the girls I go after don't know how to handle that. For instance, tak the girl I met in spin class last week. I was putin out vibes. I made sure to impress her with my spin skillz so that after class she would come and talk to me. Class ended. Two minutes went by, then five and then ten. Finally after that I went up and interrupted her conversation so I could talk to her. You know what happened? She brushed me off. She said hello and nothing else. I'm getting a little depressed because none of the girls I go for are feeling the same about me. Am I attracted to the wrong type of girls? I mean, I like them young, like 19 or 20, but that isn't a problem. Once they reach their early to mid-twenties they are just too old for me. Maybe the girl from spin class was too immature. I found out she was only 18, so maybe I should wait until she matures a little. What do you think? Am I lookin' in all the wrong places?
Love,
Spinner
Spinner,
So you're attractive, fun, athLetic, and a nerd ( sorry, Halo doesn't exactly add to your list of admirable qualities) but obviously you aren't very smert. Sorry, I mean smart. Either someone misled you your whole life and told you that the letter "z" can stand in place of "s" at the end of a word or you neglected to use spell check. If you can do as many push ups as you can make spelling errors, then I don't doubt the level of your athleticism. Now that I've just begun to humiliate you, I think it is time to move on to your other dilemma. Let me just start off by saying that... I hate boys like you. You have the Peter Pan syndrome. You're getting older and older, but you act younger and younger. News flash... girls don't want to date someone that is closer to their dads' age than hers. Sick, sick, sick. Do you realize how screwed up you are? You keep getting older, but the girls you go after get younger. What would have happened if that 18 year old child had said yes? Would you have dated her for two years and then dumped her because she was over the hill? You said something about that girl being immature, but I think you're wrong. She wasn't being immature at all. She was probably just listening to the advice her parents gave her when she was in elementary school about not talking to old, creepy strangers who like to hit on unsuspecting girls. Young girls don't look at you and see a drop dead gorgeous man that makes their heart skip a beat. They probably see a semi decent looking man with a receding hair line and wrinkles. If their heart races, then it is more out of fear than awe. So in answer to your question, yes. Something is wrong with you. You're a creeper. Not only that, but you have offended every woman over the age of 21. Nuts and bolts... you're screwed.
Dotty
P.S. You're wrong about something else... I don't think you're a loser. I think you're a pathetic, creepy loser.
July 1, 2010
It's been a long time. Forgive me. It is beautiful outside and it would be a shame to spend every waking minute on the computer. But don't worry, I couldn't stay away forever.
Lately I've been getting letters from members of the male persuasion. I know what you're thinking. "Boys have love trouble?" That is exactly what I thought. Then I read the e-mails. I thought girls were dumb. Don't get me wrong. Girls are still idiots, but I'm surprised boys can even function at times. Let the next letters be your evidence.
Dear Dotty,
I took this girl out on a date. She was a babe. Like I'm talking a 10 out of 10. But then again... I don't settle for anything less. So there we were at the Taco Shack. I was looking good. I was dressed in a mesh muscle tank and camo pants I had ordered me an extra grande burrito deluxe and her a taco salad minus the shell and meat. We were having a riveting discussion. I was telling her all about my most recent weight lifting competition. I took first place, but we can talk about that later. Anyway, so all the sudden she says she has to go to the bathroom. I excuse her and continue eating my food. Dotty, the funniest thing happened. She didn't come back. I waited for like twenty minutes. I just figured the cheese had gotten to her. Then after another ten minutes I sent someone looking for her. But she had disappeared! Naturally I was worried. Was there an emergency she had to go see to? Did she spill something on her dress and get embarrassed? I still don't know what happened. I've called her 27 times today, but she must have lost her phone. Maybe it is in the bathroom at the Taco Shack. I know she didn't leave because she didn't like me. It was obvious she was digging me. I can't think of anything. What do you think Dotty?
The Macho Man
You're an idiot.
Dotty
p.s. Okay, as much as I would want to leave it there, I can't. You're an egotistical schmuck AND an idiot. First off, if you want to impress a girl don't take her to the Taco Shack. You might as well eat with the hobos around a trash can fire. Second of all Fatty, why do you get to sit and stuff your face but she doesn't? If you really want your woman to eat lettuce, gum and air then you might as well marry a piece of cardboard. In fact, that would actually work out really well. She won't ever talk back, she will listen to you talk about yourself and you both are probably intellectually compatible. If that didn't turn her off then the constant bragging about yourself probably did the trick. Weightlifting? Really? Are you one of those guys who stands on stage with a bad tan and sequined speedo? The only thing that can rival weightlifting competitions for the title of white trash would probably be your outfit. When you described your outfit I immediately thought of a manager of a trailer park named Gunner with a mullet and a barbed wire tattoo. But I'm over you, so I'm going to stop pointing out our obvious flaws. Instead I'm going to give you the obvious reason as to why your date never came back to hang on your every word. She didn't leave to take care of a sick aunt, or to change her shirt. She didn't get sick from the food. If anything you made her want to hurl. She left because of YOU. It is a classic move. You go on a date and if the guy (okay, or the girl) is a complete goon you ditch them at the first available moment. She probably saw a break in the conversation (probably when you were staring at yourself in the napkin dispenser) and went for it. Seriously, every person has an emergency plan like this. You only confirmed her choice to be the right one when you called her a bajillion and one times. Uhh...not only are you annoying, but your weird. I know this may seem rude. I know you are just going to ignore whatever I say, so I figured I might as well just say it. Best of luck to you, Gunner.
Dear Dotty,
I had been interested in this girl for awhile now. We met when she was a Freshmen in college and I was a Junior. I just thought she was so cute. We would flirt, but then she would get a boyfriend and ignore me until they broke up. I just figured she was being a good girlfriend and not hanging out with a bunch of boys. Well a little bit ago she broke up with her boyfriend, so I decided to ask her out on a date. When she found out I was taking her to see my roommates band play, she got all excited and said yes. I figured she was excited to spend time with me. Dotty, I was so happy when she said yes. I wore my best shirt. I bought her flowers and took her to dinner. She seemed a little off the whole time, but I guess I told myself she was just as nervous as I was. We get to the concert and immediately she lit up. I thought we were having a great time, but when I got back from the bathroom she was next to the stage. With my roommate. Sucking his face off. I'm a little confused. I feel like she only said yes so she could try and woo my roommate. Obviously it worked because they have been dating for a week now. Do I just move on or keep trying to win her over? I feel like I'm a good guy, but she doesn't care.
Thanks,
The Other Roommate
Man, they really don't pay me enough...or at all. Sometimes the answer is so painfully obvious that I can't believe someone wouldn't pick up on it. The first obvious thing... she is a floozy. She bounces from dude to dude. When she gets bored she moves on to the next one. Then when she can't snag a guy she goes to her loyal follower (that would be you). You're like a little puppy dog and she is more than willing to dangle a bacon flavored dog treat in front of your face. This should have been your first hint that not only is she a crappy friend but she would be craptastically awful at being a girlfriend. You deserve better. The male population deserves better. It boggles my mind that guys even fall for girls like this. You're right, she did only go out with you to get her claws on your roommate. She is a selfish hag. You put yourself out there and she didn't even acknowledge it. Personally, I think you wasted a bouquet of flowers on her. What really makes me sad is to think of all the opportunities you've missed out on by waiting around for this little hussy. Okay, that was below the belt, but I am not taking it back. I think the best thing would be for you to drop her altogether. You don't need to immediately go searching for a new girl. It will happen when you aren't even expecting it For now, brush your shoulder off and keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I give your roommate and the floozy another three days...tops.
Lately I've been getting letters from members of the male persuasion. I know what you're thinking. "Boys have love trouble?" That is exactly what I thought. Then I read the e-mails. I thought girls were dumb. Don't get me wrong. Girls are still idiots, but I'm surprised boys can even function at times. Let the next letters be your evidence.
Dear Dotty,
I took this girl out on a date. She was a babe. Like I'm talking a 10 out of 10. But then again... I don't settle for anything less. So there we were at the Taco Shack. I was looking good. I was dressed in a mesh muscle tank and camo pants I had ordered me an extra grande burrito deluxe and her a taco salad minus the shell and meat. We were having a riveting discussion. I was telling her all about my most recent weight lifting competition. I took first place, but we can talk about that later. Anyway, so all the sudden she says she has to go to the bathroom. I excuse her and continue eating my food. Dotty, the funniest thing happened. She didn't come back. I waited for like twenty minutes. I just figured the cheese had gotten to her. Then after another ten minutes I sent someone looking for her. But she had disappeared! Naturally I was worried. Was there an emergency she had to go see to? Did she spill something on her dress and get embarrassed? I still don't know what happened. I've called her 27 times today, but she must have lost her phone. Maybe it is in the bathroom at the Taco Shack. I know she didn't leave because she didn't like me. It was obvious she was digging me. I can't think of anything. What do you think Dotty?
The Macho Man
You're an idiot.
Dotty
p.s. Okay, as much as I would want to leave it there, I can't. You're an egotistical schmuck AND an idiot. First off, if you want to impress a girl don't take her to the Taco Shack. You might as well eat with the hobos around a trash can fire. Second of all Fatty, why do you get to sit and stuff your face but she doesn't? If you really want your woman to eat lettuce, gum and air then you might as well marry a piece of cardboard. In fact, that would actually work out really well. She won't ever talk back, she will listen to you talk about yourself and you both are probably intellectually compatible. If that didn't turn her off then the constant bragging about yourself probably did the trick. Weightlifting? Really? Are you one of those guys who stands on stage with a bad tan and sequined speedo? The only thing that can rival weightlifting competitions for the title of white trash would probably be your outfit. When you described your outfit I immediately thought of a manager of a trailer park named Gunner with a mullet and a barbed wire tattoo. But I'm over you, so I'm going to stop pointing out our obvious flaws. Instead I'm going to give you the obvious reason as to why your date never came back to hang on your every word. She didn't leave to take care of a sick aunt, or to change her shirt. She didn't get sick from the food. If anything you made her want to hurl. She left because of YOU. It is a classic move. You go on a date and if the guy (okay, or the girl) is a complete goon you ditch them at the first available moment. She probably saw a break in the conversation (probably when you were staring at yourself in the napkin dispenser) and went for it. Seriously, every person has an emergency plan like this. You only confirmed her choice to be the right one when you called her a bajillion and one times. Uhh...not only are you annoying, but your weird. I know this may seem rude. I know you are just going to ignore whatever I say, so I figured I might as well just say it. Best of luck to you, Gunner.
Dear Dotty,
I had been interested in this girl for awhile now. We met when she was a Freshmen in college and I was a Junior. I just thought she was so cute. We would flirt, but then she would get a boyfriend and ignore me until they broke up. I just figured she was being a good girlfriend and not hanging out with a bunch of boys. Well a little bit ago she broke up with her boyfriend, so I decided to ask her out on a date. When she found out I was taking her to see my roommates band play, she got all excited and said yes. I figured she was excited to spend time with me. Dotty, I was so happy when she said yes. I wore my best shirt. I bought her flowers and took her to dinner. She seemed a little off the whole time, but I guess I told myself she was just as nervous as I was. We get to the concert and immediately she lit up. I thought we were having a great time, but when I got back from the bathroom she was next to the stage. With my roommate. Sucking his face off. I'm a little confused. I feel like she only said yes so she could try and woo my roommate. Obviously it worked because they have been dating for a week now. Do I just move on or keep trying to win her over? I feel like I'm a good guy, but she doesn't care.
Thanks,
The Other Roommate
Man, they really don't pay me enough...or at all. Sometimes the answer is so painfully obvious that I can't believe someone wouldn't pick up on it. The first obvious thing... she is a floozy. She bounces from dude to dude. When she gets bored she moves on to the next one. Then when she can't snag a guy she goes to her loyal follower (that would be you). You're like a little puppy dog and she is more than willing to dangle a bacon flavored dog treat in front of your face. This should have been your first hint that not only is she a crappy friend but she would be craptastically awful at being a girlfriend. You deserve better. The male population deserves better. It boggles my mind that guys even fall for girls like this. You're right, she did only go out with you to get her claws on your roommate. She is a selfish hag. You put yourself out there and she didn't even acknowledge it. Personally, I think you wasted a bouquet of flowers on her. What really makes me sad is to think of all the opportunities you've missed out on by waiting around for this little hussy. Okay, that was below the belt, but I am not taking it back. I think the best thing would be for you to drop her altogether. You don't need to immediately go searching for a new girl. It will happen when you aren't even expecting it For now, brush your shoulder off and keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I give your roommate and the floozy another three days...tops.
May 30, 2010
Dotty,
I think I kind of like this boy. It is still a new development, so I'm not positive. You see... there are a couple things about him that seem a little iffy. I haven't met a boy I might like in quite awhile, so I don't know if I should just overlook those hang ups of his. He curses like a sailor, makes inappropriate comments, has fascination with Hello Kitty and talks about girls like they are items at a buffet. It has always bugged me when people swear like it is no big deal. That dumb cat has always scared me and when dudes talk about girls they just sound desparate. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if I really should be concerned. Maybe I'm just picky... I mean everyone has their quirks, right? Basically, I want to know if I should pursue this or just move on. I need your wisdom, Dotty.
Too Picky
Listen, Picky. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose. I know... that doesn't make sense yet, but it will. I've always been told to trust your gut instinct. The fact that A) You even wrote me and B) you used words like "kind of", "I think", "maybe" and "not positive" should be good indications that you aren't catching what Kitty is throwing. Personally, I don't even see why you wrote me. The Hello Kitty thing should have been your first giant, flashing, neon sign. Grown men should not like kitties. Grown men should not like cartoons about kitties. Grown men shouldn't like cartoons. Does he not realize that his "manhood points" just went down greatly. In fact, what little points he did have are now nonexistent. Actually, they are in the negatives. He just totally hosed himself. If that didn't completely shoot his chances to the ground then the constant talk of ladies really screwed him over. One way to NOT impress a girl is to talk about other girls. Especially since the girls dudes choose to talk about are 5'7, big chested, super model blondes with designer clothes and little puppies in their purses. Wow... if that is the case then someone might as well kick me in the ovaries because I ain't got a chance. I can maybe reach 5'5 if I wear heels, I get my clothes off the clearance rack, I hate dogs and I won't even touch the big chest part. Lets just say that without padded bras I would resemble a young boy. Honestly though... this guy makes me feel ill. He sounds awkward, obnoxious, desperate and disrespectful. Do you really want to hang out with someone like that let alone kiss him? Especially since he probably would put on Hello Kitty fruity tutti chap stick to prep for kissing you. Really? You want that? I think not. Don't feel embarrassed. We all make mistakes at times. It is what keeps us humble. Sometimes we like boys we definitely shouldn't. If it makes you feel better I could tell you about my short love for the man who ran the ferris wheel at the carnival. Yep, I fell in love with a carnie. Don't judge me. I was young and his gummy smile was very intriguing. So... drop this dude and move on.
Dotty
P.S. I forgot to address the nose picking comment. Basically... I just wanted to say it. The part I wanted you to focus on was the picking your friends part. You have the choice to hang out with you want to hang out with. So... the only reason you would keep being around this guy is if you chose to do it. I also think you should avoid picking anyones nose, but that is just a side note. The End.
I think I kind of like this boy. It is still a new development, so I'm not positive. You see... there are a couple things about him that seem a little iffy. I haven't met a boy I might like in quite awhile, so I don't know if I should just overlook those hang ups of his. He curses like a sailor, makes inappropriate comments, has fascination with Hello Kitty and talks about girls like they are items at a buffet. It has always bugged me when people swear like it is no big deal. That dumb cat has always scared me and when dudes talk about girls they just sound desparate. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if I really should be concerned. Maybe I'm just picky... I mean everyone has their quirks, right? Basically, I want to know if I should pursue this or just move on. I need your wisdom, Dotty.
Too Picky
Listen, Picky. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose. I know... that doesn't make sense yet, but it will. I've always been told to trust your gut instinct. The fact that A) You even wrote me and B) you used words like "kind of", "I think", "maybe" and "not positive" should be good indications that you aren't catching what Kitty is throwing. Personally, I don't even see why you wrote me. The Hello Kitty thing should have been your first giant, flashing, neon sign. Grown men should not like kitties. Grown men should not like cartoons about kitties. Grown men shouldn't like cartoons. Does he not realize that his "manhood points" just went down greatly. In fact, what little points he did have are now nonexistent. Actually, they are in the negatives. He just totally hosed himself. If that didn't completely shoot his chances to the ground then the constant talk of ladies really screwed him over. One way to NOT impress a girl is to talk about other girls. Especially since the girls dudes choose to talk about are 5'7, big chested, super model blondes with designer clothes and little puppies in their purses. Wow... if that is the case then someone might as well kick me in the ovaries because I ain't got a chance. I can maybe reach 5'5 if I wear heels, I get my clothes off the clearance rack, I hate dogs and I won't even touch the big chest part. Lets just say that without padded bras I would resemble a young boy. Honestly though... this guy makes me feel ill. He sounds awkward, obnoxious, desperate and disrespectful. Do you really want to hang out with someone like that let alone kiss him? Especially since he probably would put on Hello Kitty fruity tutti chap stick to prep for kissing you. Really? You want that? I think not. Don't feel embarrassed. We all make mistakes at times. It is what keeps us humble. Sometimes we like boys we definitely shouldn't. If it makes you feel better I could tell you about my short love for the man who ran the ferris wheel at the carnival. Yep, I fell in love with a carnie. Don't judge me. I was young and his gummy smile was very intriguing. So... drop this dude and move on.
Dotty
P.S. I forgot to address the nose picking comment. Basically... I just wanted to say it. The part I wanted you to focus on was the picking your friends part. You have the choice to hang out with you want to hang out with. So... the only reason you would keep being around this guy is if you chose to do it. I also think you should avoid picking anyones nose, but that is just a side note. The End.
May 3, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I've had extremely rotten luck when it comes to dates. I have great friends who happen to think that I need a boyfriend. Hey, I'm not complaining if that happened, but they seem to personally take it upon themselves to find me "that guy". So my great friends set me up on countless numbers of not so great blind dates. This last one was no exception. I told myself that if it was awful that I would never again go on a blind date. That being said, I did go in with the best attitude I could muster up. It was in vain. He was so pushy. He cracked a number of "women" driver jokes, talked about his love of working out (sometimes two times a day...oh boy!), and we can't forget his love of Pokemon. Yes, you read that right. That creepy Asian inspired cult thing. He dedicates hours and hours to the "sport" and is in intensive training. Oh and we can't forget the fact that apparently he was embarrassed being around ME. For what exactly, I'm not sure. Needless to say... it was awful. I'm left wondering if I should just swear off all help from my friends or keep at it? I don't know if swearing off all blind dates is too drastic or not. Could it be that one day I do meet someone through a blind date and it doesn't make me hate my life?
The Blind Dater
Hmmm... so either your friends don't know you at all or secretly they are out to sabotage your happiness and well-being. This guys sounds like a complete goon. He sleeps with a Jiggly Puff night light (don't ask me how I know the name of an actual Pokemon, let's just say... I have a past) and YOU embarrass him. Wow. First off, everyone knows that Pokemon is for the Chess Club rejects. He has probably been harboring some deep bitterness in his heart for years now and being a complete weirdo is his outlet. Let me guess, he also lives in his parents basement with a pet gerbil named Frances and he has every edition of the Spiderman comics. I think we need to take into account that 96% of blind dates all end up being the worst experience of a daters' life. Don't challenge where I got that statistic because I made it up. But I'm pretty sure if you wanted a legit percent it would be pretty close if not higher than the one I gave. Seriously, the worst day of my life was a blind date. Let's just say it involved a Dungeons and Dragons party, me dressed up as a dragon and being "stabbed" with an impromptu sword made from a metal hanger. Yep. I don't know what was worse. Enduring the 5 hours of dress up and medieval nonsense or the idea that one of my closest friends thought we would "just be two peas in a pod". Oh barf. We will tackle my woes later though. As for you, I don't think you should give up completely. Just pick better friends. Okay, I'm not serious. I do think you should shun them for at least a month for this though. I think the best thing I can say right now is to not spend all of your time waiting. Sometimes we get something we want when we are not really thinking about it. Now, don't become some loser freak who spends all her time watching reruns of Hannah Montana (been there) and eating all the cookie dough before you can make the cookies (done that). Go on. Have fun, be busy and be fan-friggen-tastic. If another opportunity for a blind date comes along, then take it. Maybe you could meet him that way. Or maybe you bump into him at the grocery store, the library or even the dump. You just never know. Keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I'm curious as to what "intensive training" for Pokemon is. Does it involve playing all the kids at the local elementary school during recess? On weekends does he spend his precious time studying by watching reruns of Pokemon on PBS? Oh sigh... nothing makes me swoon more than seeing Pikachu take down his opponent. Don't worry, I totally looked up "Pokemon characters" on google to try and find names. It not only made me ashamed, but confused. Don't judge me.
I've had extremely rotten luck when it comes to dates. I have great friends who happen to think that I need a boyfriend. Hey, I'm not complaining if that happened, but they seem to personally take it upon themselves to find me "that guy". So my great friends set me up on countless numbers of not so great blind dates. This last one was no exception. I told myself that if it was awful that I would never again go on a blind date. That being said, I did go in with the best attitude I could muster up. It was in vain. He was so pushy. He cracked a number of "women" driver jokes, talked about his love of working out (sometimes two times a day...oh boy!), and we can't forget his love of Pokemon. Yes, you read that right. That creepy Asian inspired cult thing. He dedicates hours and hours to the "sport" and is in intensive training. Oh and we can't forget the fact that apparently he was embarrassed being around ME. For what exactly, I'm not sure. Needless to say... it was awful. I'm left wondering if I should just swear off all help from my friends or keep at it? I don't know if swearing off all blind dates is too drastic or not. Could it be that one day I do meet someone through a blind date and it doesn't make me hate my life?
The Blind Dater
Hmmm... so either your friends don't know you at all or secretly they are out to sabotage your happiness and well-being. This guys sounds like a complete goon. He sleeps with a Jiggly Puff night light (don't ask me how I know the name of an actual Pokemon, let's just say... I have a past) and YOU embarrass him. Wow. First off, everyone knows that Pokemon is for the Chess Club rejects. He has probably been harboring some deep bitterness in his heart for years now and being a complete weirdo is his outlet. Let me guess, he also lives in his parents basement with a pet gerbil named Frances and he has every edition of the Spiderman comics. I think we need to take into account that 96% of blind dates all end up being the worst experience of a daters' life. Don't challenge where I got that statistic because I made it up. But I'm pretty sure if you wanted a legit percent it would be pretty close if not higher than the one I gave. Seriously, the worst day of my life was a blind date. Let's just say it involved a Dungeons and Dragons party, me dressed up as a dragon and being "stabbed" with an impromptu sword made from a metal hanger. Yep. I don't know what was worse. Enduring the 5 hours of dress up and medieval nonsense or the idea that one of my closest friends thought we would "just be two peas in a pod". Oh barf. We will tackle my woes later though. As for you, I don't think you should give up completely. Just pick better friends. Okay, I'm not serious. I do think you should shun them for at least a month for this though. I think the best thing I can say right now is to not spend all of your time waiting. Sometimes we get something we want when we are not really thinking about it. Now, don't become some loser freak who spends all her time watching reruns of Hannah Montana (been there) and eating all the cookie dough before you can make the cookies (done that). Go on. Have fun, be busy and be fan-friggen-tastic. If another opportunity for a blind date comes along, then take it. Maybe you could meet him that way. Or maybe you bump into him at the grocery store, the library or even the dump. You just never know. Keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. I'm curious as to what "intensive training" for Pokemon is. Does it involve playing all the kids at the local elementary school during recess? On weekends does he spend his precious time studying by watching reruns of Pokemon on PBS? Oh sigh... nothing makes me swoon more than seeing Pikachu take down his opponent. Don't worry, I totally looked up "Pokemon characters" on google to try and find names. It not only made me ashamed, but confused. Don't judge me.
April 24, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I think something is wrong with me. I always seem to have crushes on guys that really just want to be my BFF. It is a continuous cycle. I meet a boy, I fall for said boy, we hang out all the time, I think boy may be interested in me, boy isn't... done. Then lather, rinse, repeat and it is back to the beginning. As if being completely rejected wasn't enough, the boy usually comes to me for his love woes. I.Hate.It. My recent failed attempt took it one step further. He rattled off some list of his "perfect" dream girl. She is blonde (so unoriginal), negative 80 pounds (so I like meat...sue me), has giant...well, you know, sings like an angel, smells like vanilla (yeah...he went there), plays every instrument, speaks Spanish and dresses like she just walked off a runway. Basically he wants Barbie to match his Ken and to be happy and tan together. Well let me give you a rundown about me now. I definitely do not have blonde hair. I tried once and it was a complete tragedy. My "ladies", if you will, are nothing to look at (literally...there is nothing to look at), I sang in school once and a pack of dogs ran through the auditorium and apparently I smell like hot trash because I don't use vanilla perfume. I really am a lost cause. Should I try and change? Do I work to develop these "fine" qualities? Why don't boys like me? I really am pretty cool. Every once in awhile... maybe... a little...okay, it is very rare.
Sincerely,
Poor Man's Barbie
Whoa whoa whoa... slow your roll there tootsie. Take a breath and chill. Now let's get one thing straight, Barbie is a skank nasty floozy. No one really likes her. They just pretend because they only want a ride in her Barbie Dream Car. While I'm setting you straight on that I should probably set you straight on all of the other word vomit spewing forth out of your trap. First, I've just got to say that being negative 80 pounds is highly overrated...oh and highly impossible. No matter how hard you try (or how much you poop), you will never be that horrendously thin. Next, if she really played every instrument than I would judge her. That means she plays things like the piccolo or that weird kazoo thing. All trophy wife qualities aside though, I think there is a bigger fish to fry Boo. Even though it goes against every thing I believe in, I'm going to say this extremely cheesy and cliche message. It can be found in many a yearbooks (along with "Have a great summer" and "Science class just wouldn't have been the same without you..."). That message would be this: Be who you are. Don't ever change. Although saying that made me want to hurl a tad, it is true. Don't change because Malibu Ken wants you to. If he is looking for the perfect girl, then that boy ain't getting any for a long while. Last time I checked big boobs and platinum blonde hair were not considered "finer" qualities. Learning how to speak Spanish and play the piano, however, are pretty legit. But do those things because you want to. Forget Ken... you do realize that he is 100% plastic, right? I mean... ALL of him. Another thing, maybe you should start hanging out with new friends. They all sound slightly toolish and a waste of your time. If you hang out with people like Ken, then you will never break this cycle. Lastly, I think I have said this a kabajillion* and one times. You don't need a bunch of boyS to like you. It only takes one. So go on my dear. Your life hasn't ended horrifically because some Oakley wearing, Rock Star drinking, sun tanning butt head (yes, I pulled the butt head card) doesn't like you. In fact, he probably did you a favor.
Dotty Mae
P.S. You do know that Barbie and Ken recently went through an unfortunate divorce, right? So whoever your friend marries, he is kind of doomed from the beginning. Just sayin'.
*kabajillion- what you get when you times kazillion by bajillion.
I think something is wrong with me. I always seem to have crushes on guys that really just want to be my BFF. It is a continuous cycle. I meet a boy, I fall for said boy, we hang out all the time, I think boy may be interested in me, boy isn't... done. Then lather, rinse, repeat and it is back to the beginning. As if being completely rejected wasn't enough, the boy usually comes to me for his love woes. I.Hate.It. My recent failed attempt took it one step further. He rattled off some list of his "perfect" dream girl. She is blonde (so unoriginal), negative 80 pounds (so I like meat...sue me), has giant...well, you know, sings like an angel, smells like vanilla (yeah...he went there), plays every instrument, speaks Spanish and dresses like she just walked off a runway. Basically he wants Barbie to match his Ken and to be happy and tan together. Well let me give you a rundown about me now. I definitely do not have blonde hair. I tried once and it was a complete tragedy. My "ladies", if you will, are nothing to look at (literally...there is nothing to look at), I sang in school once and a pack of dogs ran through the auditorium and apparently I smell like hot trash because I don't use vanilla perfume. I really am a lost cause. Should I try and change? Do I work to develop these "fine" qualities? Why don't boys like me? I really am pretty cool. Every once in awhile... maybe... a little...okay, it is very rare.
Sincerely,
Poor Man's Barbie
Whoa whoa whoa... slow your roll there tootsie. Take a breath and chill. Now let's get one thing straight, Barbie is a skank nasty floozy. No one really likes her. They just pretend because they only want a ride in her Barbie Dream Car. While I'm setting you straight on that I should probably set you straight on all of the other word vomit spewing forth out of your trap. First, I've just got to say that being negative 80 pounds is highly overrated...oh and highly impossible. No matter how hard you try (or how much you poop), you will never be that horrendously thin. Next, if she really played every instrument than I would judge her. That means she plays things like the piccolo or that weird kazoo thing. All trophy wife qualities aside though, I think there is a bigger fish to fry Boo. Even though it goes against every thing I believe in, I'm going to say this extremely cheesy and cliche message. It can be found in many a yearbooks (along with "Have a great summer" and "Science class just wouldn't have been the same without you..."). That message would be this: Be who you are. Don't ever change. Although saying that made me want to hurl a tad, it is true. Don't change because Malibu Ken wants you to. If he is looking for the perfect girl, then that boy ain't getting any for a long while. Last time I checked big boobs and platinum blonde hair were not considered "finer" qualities. Learning how to speak Spanish and play the piano, however, are pretty legit. But do those things because you want to. Forget Ken... you do realize that he is 100% plastic, right? I mean... ALL of him. Another thing, maybe you should start hanging out with new friends. They all sound slightly toolish and a waste of your time. If you hang out with people like Ken, then you will never break this cycle. Lastly, I think I have said this a kabajillion* and one times. You don't need a bunch of boyS to like you. It only takes one. So go on my dear. Your life hasn't ended horrifically because some Oakley wearing, Rock Star drinking, sun tanning butt head (yes, I pulled the butt head card) doesn't like you. In fact, he probably did you a favor.
Dotty Mae
P.S. You do know that Barbie and Ken recently went through an unfortunate divorce, right? So whoever your friend marries, he is kind of doomed from the beginning. Just sayin'.
*kabajillion- what you get when you times kazillion by bajillion.
April 14, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I'm a senior in high school. My whole high school career has been pretty uneventful in the dude department. I don't date. I don't get asked out on dates. I can't talk to boys without getting all red in the face or stuttering. One time a boy talked to me and I ended up having a conversation with my shoes. I knew that if I had looked him in the face I would have barfed all over his preppy Gap sweater. Obviously you get how socially awkward I am when it comes to boys. Imagine to my surprise when my one and only male friend (whom I thought was gay), asked me to Prom. Yeah, you read that right P-R-O-M. That thing with the dancing and the dresses and the limos. Yeah, that Prom. I dance...but in the privacy of my bedroom and usually to the old Nsync Cd's. I have dresses but they are all greatly lacking in taffeta, ruffles and corsages. My version of a limo is a beat up pickup truck with rust spots and a pair of dice in the mirrior. I told him I would go, but only because I didn't know how to say no. So now I'm stuck. I have to go to Prom with this highly feminine guy, wear sequins and sway back and forth to cheesy music. In reality I would rather go to Target in my pajamas, consume approximately 4 bean burritos from the Taco Truck and watch Phineas and Ferb. What should I do? I would feel like a complete idiot for cancelling, but I would rather get my wisdom teeth pulled out than go.
Love,
Anti-Prom
Wow. They still do taffeta? That is tragic. I'm getting flashbacks to my Senior year in High School and I hate you for that. I wish I could insert some amazing story about me being some hot little number in High School. I would be the girl who goes through boyfriends like poop through a goose. There are a couple of problems with that story though. A) No one would even believe me for a second and B) that would be a total lie. Then I would feel guilty about lying. Then I would self medicate with Ben and Jerry's, Oreos, Cheetos and every other type of lard producing food. I guess from now on I'm on a quest to only tell the truth. We will see how long it lasts. We are actually very similar in a lot of ways. Man, I'm already regretting this whole truth pact thing. I just admitted to myself and all who read this that I'm like the girl who wears headgear (it's an assumption), barfs at the sight of boys and plays Pokemon (another assumption. Alright, alright...that was rude. I wasn't really serious. Truth be told (there I go again...being all honest Abe), I hated the idea of Prom. Notice I said idea. I didn't actually go to Prom. Instead I played Scrabble (against myself...my opponent didn't stand a chance) and had a Doris Day movie marathon. All while wearing my hair in pig tails, retainers and a pajama shirt exclaiming "I Pooped Today!" Sadly, my 18 year old self was in heaven. I had no desire to go and witness the bumping, grinding and raging of hormones. Then again... I didn't get asked. If I had, then I probably would have gone and stuck it out. I probably would have been beyond excited that someone actually wanted to go with me. Think of it as a way to end your High School career with a bang. So what if your dancing looks a lot like you're having a seizure? So what if your date might be swingin' for the other team? So what if you end up spending the whole night by the punch table (just don't actually drink the punch...who knows what sort of liquid courage has been put in there). It only lasts a few hours. It could fail tragically or be totally rad. At the end you can have your sweet prince(ss) drive you home and be done with it. Save Target and Fungus and Phlegm ( I have no idea what the name of it really is, but I'm assuming it is a cartoon) for the next day. So be brave my young friend. Wear that corsage with pride. Stay classy.
Dotty Mae
P.S. Notice I left out the Taco Truck. I'm sorry, but if your "restaurant" picks up and moves from one garbage dump to the next then I'm not going to eat there.
I'm a senior in high school. My whole high school career has been pretty uneventful in the dude department. I don't date. I don't get asked out on dates. I can't talk to boys without getting all red in the face or stuttering. One time a boy talked to me and I ended up having a conversation with my shoes. I knew that if I had looked him in the face I would have barfed all over his preppy Gap sweater. Obviously you get how socially awkward I am when it comes to boys. Imagine to my surprise when my one and only male friend (whom I thought was gay), asked me to Prom. Yeah, you read that right P-R-O-M. That thing with the dancing and the dresses and the limos. Yeah, that Prom. I dance...but in the privacy of my bedroom and usually to the old Nsync Cd's. I have dresses but they are all greatly lacking in taffeta, ruffles and corsages. My version of a limo is a beat up pickup truck with rust spots and a pair of dice in the mirrior. I told him I would go, but only because I didn't know how to say no. So now I'm stuck. I have to go to Prom with this highly feminine guy, wear sequins and sway back and forth to cheesy music. In reality I would rather go to Target in my pajamas, consume approximately 4 bean burritos from the Taco Truck and watch Phineas and Ferb. What should I do? I would feel like a complete idiot for cancelling, but I would rather get my wisdom teeth pulled out than go.
Love,
Anti-Prom
Wow. They still do taffeta? That is tragic. I'm getting flashbacks to my Senior year in High School and I hate you for that. I wish I could insert some amazing story about me being some hot little number in High School. I would be the girl who goes through boyfriends like poop through a goose. There are a couple of problems with that story though. A) No one would even believe me for a second and B) that would be a total lie. Then I would feel guilty about lying. Then I would self medicate with Ben and Jerry's, Oreos, Cheetos and every other type of lard producing food. I guess from now on I'm on a quest to only tell the truth. We will see how long it lasts. We are actually very similar in a lot of ways. Man, I'm already regretting this whole truth pact thing. I just admitted to myself and all who read this that I'm like the girl who wears headgear (it's an assumption), barfs at the sight of boys and plays Pokemon (another assumption. Alright, alright...that was rude. I wasn't really serious. Truth be told (there I go again...being all honest Abe), I hated the idea of Prom. Notice I said idea. I didn't actually go to Prom. Instead I played Scrabble (against myself...my opponent didn't stand a chance) and had a Doris Day movie marathon. All while wearing my hair in pig tails, retainers and a pajama shirt exclaiming "I Pooped Today!" Sadly, my 18 year old self was in heaven. I had no desire to go and witness the bumping, grinding and raging of hormones. Then again... I didn't get asked. If I had, then I probably would have gone and stuck it out. I probably would have been beyond excited that someone actually wanted to go with me. Think of it as a way to end your High School career with a bang. So what if your dancing looks a lot like you're having a seizure? So what if your date might be swingin' for the other team? So what if you end up spending the whole night by the punch table (just don't actually drink the punch...who knows what sort of liquid courage has been put in there). It only lasts a few hours. It could fail tragically or be totally rad. At the end you can have your sweet prince(ss) drive you home and be done with it. Save Target and Fungus and Phlegm ( I have no idea what the name of it really is, but I'm assuming it is a cartoon) for the next day. So be brave my young friend. Wear that corsage with pride. Stay classy.
Dotty Mae
P.S. Notice I left out the Taco Truck. I'm sorry, but if your "restaurant" picks up and moves from one garbage dump to the next then I'm not going to eat there.
April 8, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I've had an ongoing problem for the past few years now. I have really great friends, both boys and girls. My girl friends are all gorgeous and funny and smart. My boy friends are all single...and love girls that are gorgeous and funny and smart. I, however, apparently am none of those things. No, no, no... you see I am just the way for my great guy friends to get to my great girl friends. They come to me all buddy buddy with their fist bumps and pats on the back and then beg me to "hook a brotha up". It is actually really annoying and discouraging. Why is it that every time I meet a dude he is all about my friend, my sister, my roommate...heck, even my hairdresser. I'm just the jolly ol' friend/ love doctor. I think it is funny that the one person that has like negative experience where love is concerned is always being asked for some "wise advice". Should I just suck it up, stop being a baby and match everyone else up until I'm completely and utterly alone?
Sincerely,
The Love Guru
Oh come now, there is no way you would ever be totally alone. People buy cats to solve that problem. Lots and lots of cats. There was once a documentary where a lady had 45 cats and she was as happy as could be. Besides that whole fur ball problem and smelling like cat nip I hear cats are the way to go. Honestly, I hear about this problem all the time. Shoot, I've had to deal with this problem. I'm the perpetual "wing man". Or should I say was? You know what I did to solve my problems? Sabotage. Yep, I sunk to that level and I'm not ashamed to admit it. My guy friend wanted to date my best friend. So I told him she liked roller coasters, anchovies on her pizza and Miley Cyrus. When in reality ALL of those things make her gag if not puke. So what did he do? Took her to an amusement park where her motion sickness set in, then right as she felt better dinner was served. The delectable fishy smell sent her gag reflexes into high gear. The poor thing felt so awful that my friend had to drive her home... he tried to cheer her up slash woo her by playing a little Miley...or is it Hannah Montana? You never know which personality she will be. Needless to say the date did not end with a little somethin' somethin'. Instead it ended with her puking all over his shirt and an adamant "NO!" to his offer of a second date. Oh shame. Okay, so it sounds a lot worse when I write it out, but it worked. I have given up all duties as the designated matchmaker. If sabotage isn't your bag then there are a ton of different tactics you can use. Just play dumb. Act like you have no idea what they are talking about. You can pretend you thought he was partial to men and set him up with another guy friend (I'm actually rooting for this one. The results would be epic). Or just be completely honest and say you want no part of it. What you shouldn't do is fret about it. You may not have a million guys knocking down your door...but do you really want a million? No... it only takes one. So keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. "Hook a brotha up"? Really? Only white guys trying to sound thug say that. After you sabotage their love lives you should rub salt in the wound by making fun of them immediately.
I've had an ongoing problem for the past few years now. I have really great friends, both boys and girls. My girl friends are all gorgeous and funny and smart. My boy friends are all single...and love girls that are gorgeous and funny and smart. I, however, apparently am none of those things. No, no, no... you see I am just the way for my great guy friends to get to my great girl friends. They come to me all buddy buddy with their fist bumps and pats on the back and then beg me to "hook a brotha up". It is actually really annoying and discouraging. Why is it that every time I meet a dude he is all about my friend, my sister, my roommate...heck, even my hairdresser. I'm just the jolly ol' friend/ love doctor. I think it is funny that the one person that has like negative experience where love is concerned is always being asked for some "wise advice". Should I just suck it up, stop being a baby and match everyone else up until I'm completely and utterly alone?
Sincerely,
The Love Guru
Oh come now, there is no way you would ever be totally alone. People buy cats to solve that problem. Lots and lots of cats. There was once a documentary where a lady had 45 cats and she was as happy as could be. Besides that whole fur ball problem and smelling like cat nip I hear cats are the way to go. Honestly, I hear about this problem all the time. Shoot, I've had to deal with this problem. I'm the perpetual "wing man". Or should I say was? You know what I did to solve my problems? Sabotage. Yep, I sunk to that level and I'm not ashamed to admit it. My guy friend wanted to date my best friend. So I told him she liked roller coasters, anchovies on her pizza and Miley Cyrus. When in reality ALL of those things make her gag if not puke. So what did he do? Took her to an amusement park where her motion sickness set in, then right as she felt better dinner was served. The delectable fishy smell sent her gag reflexes into high gear. The poor thing felt so awful that my friend had to drive her home... he tried to cheer her up slash woo her by playing a little Miley...or is it Hannah Montana? You never know which personality she will be. Needless to say the date did not end with a little somethin' somethin'. Instead it ended with her puking all over his shirt and an adamant "NO!" to his offer of a second date. Oh shame. Okay, so it sounds a lot worse when I write it out, but it worked. I have given up all duties as the designated matchmaker. If sabotage isn't your bag then there are a ton of different tactics you can use. Just play dumb. Act like you have no idea what they are talking about. You can pretend you thought he was partial to men and set him up with another guy friend (I'm actually rooting for this one. The results would be epic). Or just be completely honest and say you want no part of it. What you shouldn't do is fret about it. You may not have a million guys knocking down your door...but do you really want a million? No... it only takes one. So keep on keepin' on.
Dotty
P.S. "Hook a brotha up"? Really? Only white guys trying to sound thug say that. After you sabotage their love lives you should rub salt in the wound by making fun of them immediately.
April 7, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I have accomplished quite a bit in my young life. I have graduated college, started a successful career, moved to a new city, bought a house and even have a bowl of goldfish proudly displayed on my kitchen counter. You'd think that I would be pretty outgoing, right? Wrong. I can score a 30 on the ACTs, complete a Sudoku puzzle in 5 minutes flat and even put together business proposals, but I can't seem to talk to the one boy that gets my heart racing. Not only do we work in the same place, but we even go to the same church. What are the chances? I haven't had time to work out the exact odds to that, but I'm sure it is somewhere around slim to none. I wish I could think of a ton of clever and witty things to say, but I just get all tongue tied. I try...well kind of. I went up all gung ho to talk to him once and then the you know what hit the fan. I acutally asked if he knew the answer to 12 across on my crossword puzzle. He looked at me like I had tentacles. I want to vomit thinking about it. He tries to talk to me sometimes, but I just look like an idiot. I think I am a terminal dweeb. I would rather watch National Geographic than go to the newest chick flick. My type of shopping spree is going to town at Office Depot. He on the other hand is so cool. He wears hip clothes, plays the guitar and speaks like 20 different languages. What do I do? I am nervous to talk to him, but at the same time his smile drives me crazy. I can't even concentrate when I see him. I think he is the Edward Cullen to my Bella.
The Dweeb
I kind of like you Dweeb. I think you are a lot cooler than you think. I mean, you're Team Edward. That already gives you like 20 points in your favor. If you had said Jacob, then I would have put you in your place immediately. Do people not realize he is a dog? That would be disgusting. Humans and dogs should not mate. They institutionalize people for that. But I digress. A little word to the wise, Dweeb. Don't put him on some whole other level than you. You make it sound like he is some god from Olympus. Yes, he plays the guitar. Okay, I do agree with you on that one. An ugly dude can play the guitar and then he becomes friggen Fabio. Uhh...not that I find Fabio attractive at all. Okay, once I did see a picture of him and I didn't hate life. What were we talking about again? Oh...right. We were talking about Mr. Fantastic. So he speaks multiple languages. Lets be legit, if he can speak 20 languages then I'm sure most of them are really lame ones. Do you really want him to whisper sweet nothings into your ear in that weird African clicky language? Enough about him though. Now let us focus on things you bring to the table. You're obviously smart, nice, friendly to animals. You can find my goldfish (still alive) in the toilet...right before I flush them down. Not to mention you will always have a paper clip readily available. As for conversation starters. Why not talk about the National Geographic documenta-thingy? He may be equally as nerdy as you are. Talk about church or food or the weather if you have to. Another thing I noticed is that he attempts to talk to you. Well take the bull by the horns, Dweeb and get your swerve on. I can give you all this advice, but until you decide to just be your rad self and talk to him then I really can't help. I think we should end this how we started. It always comes down to Twilight. I believe some of life's questions can be solved through vampires...kidding, but seriously. Edward had the hots pretty hardcore for Bella. I mean, he wants to take a chunk out of her neck like every time he sees her. Maybe you are Bella to his Edward...just sayin'. As long as he doesn't really try and bite you or tell you that you are like a drug to him ( that is the second to worse line... only to be beat by "hang on spider monkey"). Good luck and good night. I'll be here all week.
Dotty Mae
I have accomplished quite a bit in my young life. I have graduated college, started a successful career, moved to a new city, bought a house and even have a bowl of goldfish proudly displayed on my kitchen counter. You'd think that I would be pretty outgoing, right? Wrong. I can score a 30 on the ACTs, complete a Sudoku puzzle in 5 minutes flat and even put together business proposals, but I can't seem to talk to the one boy that gets my heart racing. Not only do we work in the same place, but we even go to the same church. What are the chances? I haven't had time to work out the exact odds to that, but I'm sure it is somewhere around slim to none. I wish I could think of a ton of clever and witty things to say, but I just get all tongue tied. I try...well kind of. I went up all gung ho to talk to him once and then the you know what hit the fan. I acutally asked if he knew the answer to 12 across on my crossword puzzle. He looked at me like I had tentacles. I want to vomit thinking about it. He tries to talk to me sometimes, but I just look like an idiot. I think I am a terminal dweeb. I would rather watch National Geographic than go to the newest chick flick. My type of shopping spree is going to town at Office Depot. He on the other hand is so cool. He wears hip clothes, plays the guitar and speaks like 20 different languages. What do I do? I am nervous to talk to him, but at the same time his smile drives me crazy. I can't even concentrate when I see him. I think he is the Edward Cullen to my Bella.
The Dweeb
I kind of like you Dweeb. I think you are a lot cooler than you think. I mean, you're Team Edward. That already gives you like 20 points in your favor. If you had said Jacob, then I would have put you in your place immediately. Do people not realize he is a dog? That would be disgusting. Humans and dogs should not mate. They institutionalize people for that. But I digress. A little word to the wise, Dweeb. Don't put him on some whole other level than you. You make it sound like he is some god from Olympus. Yes, he plays the guitar. Okay, I do agree with you on that one. An ugly dude can play the guitar and then he becomes friggen Fabio. Uhh...not that I find Fabio attractive at all. Okay, once I did see a picture of him and I didn't hate life. What were we talking about again? Oh...right. We were talking about Mr. Fantastic. So he speaks multiple languages. Lets be legit, if he can speak 20 languages then I'm sure most of them are really lame ones. Do you really want him to whisper sweet nothings into your ear in that weird African clicky language? Enough about him though. Now let us focus on things you bring to the table. You're obviously smart, nice, friendly to animals. You can find my goldfish (still alive) in the toilet...right before I flush them down. Not to mention you will always have a paper clip readily available. As for conversation starters. Why not talk about the National Geographic documenta-thingy? He may be equally as nerdy as you are. Talk about church or food or the weather if you have to. Another thing I noticed is that he attempts to talk to you. Well take the bull by the horns, Dweeb and get your swerve on. I can give you all this advice, but until you decide to just be your rad self and talk to him then I really can't help. I think we should end this how we started. It always comes down to Twilight. I believe some of life's questions can be solved through vampires...kidding, but seriously. Edward had the hots pretty hardcore for Bella. I mean, he wants to take a chunk out of her neck like every time he sees her. Maybe you are Bella to his Edward...just sayin'. As long as he doesn't really try and bite you or tell you that you are like a drug to him ( that is the second to worse line... only to be beat by "hang on spider monkey"). Good luck and good night. I'll be here all week.
Dotty Mae
April 5, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I was dating a boy. A great boy. A super nice, thoughtful, attractive and amazing boy. Notice I said "was". We dated for six months and then in the matter of seconds our relationship went from "we" to just me. The catch? His name. His first name was fine. I wrote it with mine and drew a heart around it...perfection. Even his bizarre middle name, Gunther, grew on me. But his last name is just horrid. I don't know why I never really paid attention to what his last name is, but it just hit me last week. If I were to marry him my name would be Mrs. Crotch. Crotch...as in, yeah...crotch. Dr. Crotch. Really? I feel like some injustice has been dealt here. A great guy came into my life...a great DOCTOR and then this happened. I miss him, but we can never be. I suggested he changed his last name to mine. It would have a much nicer ring to it and our children wouldn't be made fun of so much. Guess what?! He said NO! Can you believe that? Then he had the nerve to get mad at me. Why is the whole universe out to see me miserable?
Sincerely,
The Ex-future Mrs. Crotch
Let me start by saying... don't be silly, the WHOLE universe isn't out to get you. In fact, I'm pretty sure they could care less about you and your pitiful problem. If I'm being completely honest here, then I should tell you something. I actually think you're a tool bag. Sometimes I get in the mood where I just want to put someones letter up and have them humiliate themselves. Congratulations! You may not be the newest member of the Crotch family, but you have officially succeeded at looking like a complete door knob. The fact that you even suggested that he change his name is proof enough. You really don't understand why he was upset? You basically challenged his manhood, kicked him in the sweets and took away his dignity. You might as well have asked him to wear a skirt. So yes, I can believe that he would be mad. Okay, I know I'm being a little more harsh than usual, but this situation kind of calls for it. If it took you SIX MONTHS ( just to be sure we are on the same page that is half of a year, roughly 182 days, and a total of 26 weeks) to figure out what his last name was then you obviously didn't really care about him, you just cared about the status he would give you. In your mind you were going to marry a hot doctor with an equally hot name and have a brood of hot babies. Surprise! His ancestors threw a monkey wrench into your plans and now you are up a creek. Normally I would tell someone that if they really loved the person then it shouldn't matter...but I'm just going to be legit with you. I don't think you deserve him...Dotty say what? Yep, I went there. I think you need to take a step back and figure some junk out. Don't put this guy through torture. Let him go. Stop, rewind, repeat. The End.
Dotty
P.S. Dr. Crotch... if you read this I just have one golden nugget of advice. Don't name any child of yours Harry. Or Rosie, that just sounds awkward.
I was dating a boy. A great boy. A super nice, thoughtful, attractive and amazing boy. Notice I said "was". We dated for six months and then in the matter of seconds our relationship went from "we" to just me. The catch? His name. His first name was fine. I wrote it with mine and drew a heart around it...perfection. Even his bizarre middle name, Gunther, grew on me. But his last name is just horrid. I don't know why I never really paid attention to what his last name is, but it just hit me last week. If I were to marry him my name would be Mrs. Crotch. Crotch...as in, yeah...crotch. Dr. Crotch. Really? I feel like some injustice has been dealt here. A great guy came into my life...a great DOCTOR and then this happened. I miss him, but we can never be. I suggested he changed his last name to mine. It would have a much nicer ring to it and our children wouldn't be made fun of so much. Guess what?! He said NO! Can you believe that? Then he had the nerve to get mad at me. Why is the whole universe out to see me miserable?
Sincerely,
The Ex-future Mrs. Crotch
Let me start by saying... don't be silly, the WHOLE universe isn't out to get you. In fact, I'm pretty sure they could care less about you and your pitiful problem. If I'm being completely honest here, then I should tell you something. I actually think you're a tool bag. Sometimes I get in the mood where I just want to put someones letter up and have them humiliate themselves. Congratulations! You may not be the newest member of the Crotch family, but you have officially succeeded at looking like a complete door knob. The fact that you even suggested that he change his name is proof enough. You really don't understand why he was upset? You basically challenged his manhood, kicked him in the sweets and took away his dignity. You might as well have asked him to wear a skirt. So yes, I can believe that he would be mad. Okay, I know I'm being a little more harsh than usual, but this situation kind of calls for it. If it took you SIX MONTHS ( just to be sure we are on the same page that is half of a year, roughly 182 days, and a total of 26 weeks) to figure out what his last name was then you obviously didn't really care about him, you just cared about the status he would give you. In your mind you were going to marry a hot doctor with an equally hot name and have a brood of hot babies. Surprise! His ancestors threw a monkey wrench into your plans and now you are up a creek. Normally I would tell someone that if they really loved the person then it shouldn't matter...but I'm just going to be legit with you. I don't think you deserve him...Dotty say what? Yep, I went there. I think you need to take a step back and figure some junk out. Don't put this guy through torture. Let him go. Stop, rewind, repeat. The End.
Dotty
P.S. Dr. Crotch... if you read this I just have one golden nugget of advice. Don't name any child of yours Harry. Or Rosie, that just sounds awkward.
March 11, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I have this real big problem on my hand. A 6'3 tall of a problem. His name shall be withheld to avoid embarrassment on his part. Actually, he has done a good job of embarrassing himself all on his own...he just doesn't know it. He shows up at the most random/inconvenient times. He gives really uncomfortable hugs and even more awkward massages. He asks girls out on dates at least three times a day and he always catches them off guard...that way they can't say no. He wears mini scarves, awfully tight pants and v-neck shirts. He just tries so hard...too hard. He reminds me of a lion going after his prey. He goes after anything that has boobs and is breathing. Luckily, I've managed to escape...for now. My dilemma is this: How do I avoid him without being a total hag? Also...why is that only the creepers come after me? I'm a pretty cool lady, yet all I get are the crazies.
Sincerely,
The Hunted
First of all. V-neck shirts have been the most epically tragic thing to happen to the male persuasion. However, they are to be followed by tight pants. Why do they think that if they wear women's clothing that women will be attracted to them. If I can't even fit into your pants, then why would I want to date you. I should be the dainty one in the relationship. To address the first question. Sometimes you can't be nice. Sometimes you have to go straight for the groin. It hurts...well for him at least. I could say something cliche right here like... "in the long run, he will appreciate it." Let's be honest though...he sounds like a woman. He will probably go home and cry his big metrosexual head on his tiny woman pillow. BUT, eventually his tears will dry and the first lady that walks by will catch his interest and then you will be off the hook. So don't let him even enter your thoughts. That's how dudes want it...they want us to think about them and then they can pounce on the poor helpless gazelles. We're the gazelles by the way. I tried to think of a dainty animal, but thats what first popped in my head. Well actually, wart hog popped in my head, but I'm not going there. As for your second question... that is almost impossible to answer. My first guess, is that you're just too nice. It is time to dig down deep and get some guts. We see the weirdies sitting all by themselves and we feel sorry for them. We can't help it. Well it is time to practice self control. Put your foot down. This isn't me telling you to be a complete hag face, but just be assertive.
Dotty
I have this real big problem on my hand. A 6'3 tall of a problem. His name shall be withheld to avoid embarrassment on his part. Actually, he has done a good job of embarrassing himself all on his own...he just doesn't know it. He shows up at the most random/inconvenient times. He gives really uncomfortable hugs and even more awkward massages. He asks girls out on dates at least three times a day and he always catches them off guard...that way they can't say no. He wears mini scarves, awfully tight pants and v-neck shirts. He just tries so hard...too hard. He reminds me of a lion going after his prey. He goes after anything that has boobs and is breathing. Luckily, I've managed to escape...for now. My dilemma is this: How do I avoid him without being a total hag? Also...why is that only the creepers come after me? I'm a pretty cool lady, yet all I get are the crazies.
Sincerely,
The Hunted
First of all. V-neck shirts have been the most epically tragic thing to happen to the male persuasion. However, they are to be followed by tight pants. Why do they think that if they wear women's clothing that women will be attracted to them. If I can't even fit into your pants, then why would I want to date you. I should be the dainty one in the relationship. To address the first question. Sometimes you can't be nice. Sometimes you have to go straight for the groin. It hurts...well for him at least. I could say something cliche right here like... "in the long run, he will appreciate it." Let's be honest though...he sounds like a woman. He will probably go home and cry his big metrosexual head on his tiny woman pillow. BUT, eventually his tears will dry and the first lady that walks by will catch his interest and then you will be off the hook. So don't let him even enter your thoughts. That's how dudes want it...they want us to think about them and then they can pounce on the poor helpless gazelles. We're the gazelles by the way. I tried to think of a dainty animal, but thats what first popped in my head. Well actually, wart hog popped in my head, but I'm not going there. As for your second question... that is almost impossible to answer. My first guess, is that you're just too nice. It is time to dig down deep and get some guts. We see the weirdies sitting all by themselves and we feel sorry for them. We can't help it. Well it is time to practice self control. Put your foot down. This isn't me telling you to be a complete hag face, but just be assertive.
Dotty
February 24, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I've been seeing this boy for about a month now. I don't know if we're "official", but I think we basically are. We've kind of held hands and I think the next step is kissing. Maybe just a little peck. How should I go about it? I've tried to imagine it in my head. Just the other day I closed my eyes and tried to create a mental picture. I think I can see it. Oh goodness...what to do?
Sincerely,
Lonely Lips
Oh gag. This is what my life has come to. First off... I have a question. When you picture it in your head do you find yourself pursing your lips in that kissy way? I mean, how could you not? It would just seem like a natural reflex. Since you love imagining and practicing, then maybe the next step would be to plant one on your hand. Oooh ooh...or how about a teddy bear. Don't take offense at this, but you seem like the type who would have a stuffed animal "family" positioned on your bed. Just sayin'. Actually, don't listen to anything I just said. If you went around telling people that the reason you make out with inanimate objects was because Dotty told you to, then it would completely ruin my street cred. Or whatever cred it is that I have. There are two things you could do. 1) Just wait it out...maybe he is a gentlemen and wants to take his sweet ever loving time. That is kind of refreshing in today's world. If the patience angle isn't your bag then you could take matters into your own hands...I mean lips. Just grab his sweet lookin' face and plant a fat one right on the money maker. Don't over think it, don't hesitate, just go in for the kill. Do make sure to have brushed your teeth, gurgled mouthwash, sucked on a breath mint or whatever produces the freshest, most kissable breath. No one wants to kiss someone with kitten breath.
Go get 'em tiger,
Dotty
P.S. I want to point out that it was slightly ridiculous to say you've "kind of" held hands. Its like being pregnant...you either are or you aren't.
I've been seeing this boy for about a month now. I don't know if we're "official", but I think we basically are. We've kind of held hands and I think the next step is kissing. Maybe just a little peck. How should I go about it? I've tried to imagine it in my head. Just the other day I closed my eyes and tried to create a mental picture. I think I can see it. Oh goodness...what to do?
Sincerely,
Lonely Lips
Oh gag. This is what my life has come to. First off... I have a question. When you picture it in your head do you find yourself pursing your lips in that kissy way? I mean, how could you not? It would just seem like a natural reflex. Since you love imagining and practicing, then maybe the next step would be to plant one on your hand. Oooh ooh...or how about a teddy bear. Don't take offense at this, but you seem like the type who would have a stuffed animal "family" positioned on your bed. Just sayin'. Actually, don't listen to anything I just said. If you went around telling people that the reason you make out with inanimate objects was because Dotty told you to, then it would completely ruin my street cred. Or whatever cred it is that I have. There are two things you could do. 1) Just wait it out...maybe he is a gentlemen and wants to take his sweet ever loving time. That is kind of refreshing in today's world. If the patience angle isn't your bag then you could take matters into your own hands...I mean lips. Just grab his sweet lookin' face and plant a fat one right on the money maker. Don't over think it, don't hesitate, just go in for the kill. Do make sure to have brushed your teeth, gurgled mouthwash, sucked on a breath mint or whatever produces the freshest, most kissable breath. No one wants to kiss someone with kitten breath.
Go get 'em tiger,
Dotty
P.S. I want to point out that it was slightly ridiculous to say you've "kind of" held hands. Its like being pregnant...you either are or you aren't.
February 20, 2010
Dear Dotty,
I'm conflicted. I've really gotten myself into a mess here. It all started with boy number one...for the sake of confidentiatlity we will call him the "foreign one". Foreign...that word right there should make everything more clear. He's not just your average foreign man though. He is a LATIN man. I met him and have since ceased to stop thinking about his beautiful face. Then of course I got to know him and it just got better. He is extremely shy and I can never really tell what is going on in that pretty head of his... I was determined to just be patient and let it play out...and then the "boy next door" came along and threw a wrench into my perfect plan. I met this boy once or twice but never really talked to him. Then one day things kind of changed. He talked to me. Then he asked me out on a date. Funny how one guy can be a complete chicken and the other one just goes in for the kill. I'm excited for the date, I really am. I'm just still really conflicted. Should I just keep working both angles? Do I just see how things unfold? Gag...I hate this whole dating thing and I really hate boys. I just wish sometimes they would all disappear. Just give us ladies a day or two to ourselves.
Love,
Girl Gone Crazy
Man... I'd hate to see how confused you'd get over making an important decision, but I digress. First of all it is hard enough trying to figure out the mind of an "American" man, so why torture yourself with impossible task of trying to figure out a foreign dude's head? That whole language barrier screws everything up. Second of all, I totally agree with you. Foreign men are amazing. I once had a fling with a boy from Toronto. Those Canadians sure now how to woo a lady, eh? True, he was no Latin man. Those guys are in a class all their own. Do you think they come out of the womb knowing how to move their hips like that? That is reason enough to not shut that door completely. However, I don't think you should put everything on hold for him. This "boy next door" character showed interest. He made his intentions clear. I'm pretty impressed actually. Finally we have a dude who grew a pair (sorry, my mental filter is off) and stepped up to the plate. Go and have a good time with him. I suggest trying to block all thoughts of Senor out for the night. Don't let the foreigner encroach (look! I used a fancy word) on American soil, at least not tonight... tomorrow is a different story though. Maybe after your date things will be more clear. Or they could just be even more confusing. If that's the case, then that sucks. I can't tell you what to do...but I'm going to suggest what you should do in a commanding way. Here it is... it is still too early to tell. Go on the date, come home and analyze how you feel then. If high calorie, fatty foods need to be involved in this analysis then by all means, strap 'er on and eat up. Time will tell what the best decision is. It could be that you may like this "boy next door"and your feelings for the latino gradually go away. Or maybe you just want to be friends with "boy" and that the "foreigner" is worth another shot. Maybe (just maybe) neither of them could be worth pursuing and you just need to, I don't know... focus on your studies? Ha! Yeah right. No matter what you decide, don't lose too much sleep over it. At the end of the day they are just a bunch of dudes. Just sayin'. God speed and good luck.
Dotty
I'm conflicted. I've really gotten myself into a mess here. It all started with boy number one...for the sake of confidentiatlity we will call him the "foreign one". Foreign...that word right there should make everything more clear. He's not just your average foreign man though. He is a LATIN man. I met him and have since ceased to stop thinking about his beautiful face. Then of course I got to know him and it just got better. He is extremely shy and I can never really tell what is going on in that pretty head of his... I was determined to just be patient and let it play out...and then the "boy next door" came along and threw a wrench into my perfect plan. I met this boy once or twice but never really talked to him. Then one day things kind of changed. He talked to me. Then he asked me out on a date. Funny how one guy can be a complete chicken and the other one just goes in for the kill. I'm excited for the date, I really am. I'm just still really conflicted. Should I just keep working both angles? Do I just see how things unfold? Gag...I hate this whole dating thing and I really hate boys. I just wish sometimes they would all disappear. Just give us ladies a day or two to ourselves.
Love,
Girl Gone Crazy
Man... I'd hate to see how confused you'd get over making an important decision, but I digress. First of all it is hard enough trying to figure out the mind of an "American" man, so why torture yourself with impossible task of trying to figure out a foreign dude's head? That whole language barrier screws everything up. Second of all, I totally agree with you. Foreign men are amazing. I once had a fling with a boy from Toronto. Those Canadians sure now how to woo a lady, eh? True, he was no Latin man. Those guys are in a class all their own. Do you think they come out of the womb knowing how to move their hips like that? That is reason enough to not shut that door completely. However, I don't think you should put everything on hold for him. This "boy next door" character showed interest. He made his intentions clear. I'm pretty impressed actually. Finally we have a dude who grew a pair (sorry, my mental filter is off) and stepped up to the plate. Go and have a good time with him. I suggest trying to block all thoughts of Senor out for the night. Don't let the foreigner encroach (look! I used a fancy word) on American soil, at least not tonight... tomorrow is a different story though. Maybe after your date things will be more clear. Or they could just be even more confusing. If that's the case, then that sucks. I can't tell you what to do...but I'm going to suggest what you should do in a commanding way. Here it is... it is still too early to tell. Go on the date, come home and analyze how you feel then. If high calorie, fatty foods need to be involved in this analysis then by all means, strap 'er on and eat up. Time will tell what the best decision is. It could be that you may like this "boy next door"and your feelings for the latino gradually go away. Or maybe you just want to be friends with "boy" and that the "foreigner" is worth another shot. Maybe (just maybe) neither of them could be worth pursuing and you just need to, I don't know... focus on your studies? Ha! Yeah right. No matter what you decide, don't lose too much sleep over it. At the end of the day they are just a bunch of dudes. Just sayin'. God speed and good luck.
Dotty
February 16, 2010
Dear Dotty,
Last night I had to meet the parents. Imagine every awkward first meeting and times it by infinity. First we showed up ten minutes late. Usually not a big deal, but you would have thought the world had stopped spinning. After his parents blamed me for OUR tardiness, we sat down to do an impromptu "getting to know you". Not only is my major ridiculous, but so is my hometown, my parents' professions, my choice in music, my choice in clothing, my car and the birthmark on my arm. As if being insulted all night wasn't bad enough, his mom made shrimp. The one and only thing I'm allergic to is shrimp. The one and only thing my boyfriend told her not to make is shrimp. Real classy. So after a disastrous first encounter and a quick trip to the ER, I'm left wondering if it is even worth it. Should I break things off? Should I keep dating my boyfriend, but swear off all contact with the parents? Or should I go with my first instinct and fork their professionally landscaped lawn?
Sincerely,
Girl with hives
I've been told that you should always go with your gut instinct. So if you want to fork their lawn, well then fork away. Wal-Mart is having a sale on all plastic utensils this week. It isn't healthy to keep your feelings all bottled up inside, so this will really help you to express your anger. Once you've finished vandalizing their property, you should probably talk to the boyfriend about the spawns of Satan... I mean his parents. If he doesn't realize how dysfunctional that dinner was then he probably didn't pick up on his psycho parents. I guess this is the point where I tell you to "talk it out", tell him how you feel...blah blah blah. Once you get on the same page with your Boo then the rest is really up to you about whether or not you want to associate with them. Personally, I feel the next time you go over (if ever...and who could blame you if you didn't), you should do a little interrogating of your own. Start by critiquing his mom's "natural" hair color or the mole on her chin. Then compliment her about the wrinkles around her eyes and how "wise" they make her look. Then comment on the dad's bifocals, adorable receding hair line and wrap it up with a remark about his pot belly. Okay, so this probably wouldn't go over well and you shouldn't really do it, but it never hurts to think about it. Good luck to you.
Dotty
P.S. I'm trying to figure out why they would have a problem with your birthmark and the only thing I can think of is it is in the shape of something naughty. Am I right? You can tell me. I can keep a secret.
Also, may I suggest some other forms of vandalism. Here are a few of my personal faves.
Last night I had to meet the parents. Imagine every awkward first meeting and times it by infinity. First we showed up ten minutes late. Usually not a big deal, but you would have thought the world had stopped spinning. After his parents blamed me for OUR tardiness, we sat down to do an impromptu "getting to know you". Not only is my major ridiculous, but so is my hometown, my parents' professions, my choice in music, my choice in clothing, my car and the birthmark on my arm. As if being insulted all night wasn't bad enough, his mom made shrimp. The one and only thing I'm allergic to is shrimp. The one and only thing my boyfriend told her not to make is shrimp. Real classy. So after a disastrous first encounter and a quick trip to the ER, I'm left wondering if it is even worth it. Should I break things off? Should I keep dating my boyfriend, but swear off all contact with the parents? Or should I go with my first instinct and fork their professionally landscaped lawn?
Sincerely,
Girl with hives
I've been told that you should always go with your gut instinct. So if you want to fork their lawn, well then fork away. Wal-Mart is having a sale on all plastic utensils this week. It isn't healthy to keep your feelings all bottled up inside, so this will really help you to express your anger. Once you've finished vandalizing their property, you should probably talk to the boyfriend about the spawns of Satan... I mean his parents. If he doesn't realize how dysfunctional that dinner was then he probably didn't pick up on his psycho parents. I guess this is the point where I tell you to "talk it out", tell him how you feel...blah blah blah. Once you get on the same page with your Boo then the rest is really up to you about whether or not you want to associate with them. Personally, I feel the next time you go over (if ever...and who could blame you if you didn't), you should do a little interrogating of your own. Start by critiquing his mom's "natural" hair color or the mole on her chin. Then compliment her about the wrinkles around her eyes and how "wise" they make her look. Then comment on the dad's bifocals, adorable receding hair line and wrap it up with a remark about his pot belly. Okay, so this probably wouldn't go over well and you shouldn't really do it, but it never hurts to think about it. Good luck to you.
Dotty
P.S. I'm trying to figure out why they would have a problem with your birthmark and the only thing I can think of is it is in the shape of something naughty. Am I right? You can tell me. I can keep a secret.
Also, may I suggest some other forms of vandalism. Here are a few of my personal faves.
- saran wrapping their car
- toilet papering their house
- throwing bologna on their windows
- jell-o in the swimming pool
February 15, 2010
I know, I know...I'm a day late. Yesterday was the big day. The day where we shower the ones we love with giant teddy bears, 80 lb boxes of chocolate, 20 dozen roses and a hallmark card that says what we can't. Why we need one day dedicated to telling the people we love that we love them is beyond me. I.loathe.Valentine's.day. Everything about it makes me want to gag. Personal feelings aside though, it is one of my busiest days, so to not seize the opportunity would be a crime.
Dear Dotty,
So this year for Valentine's day my snuggly bear and I said we wouldn't exchange gifts. Imagine my surprise when I wake up and he really did get me nothing. There was no vase of red roses accenting our dining room table, no dinner at a restaurant, not even a singing card signed with X's and O's. When I said I didn't want anything I was talking about jewelry or clothes...you know, the big ticket items. I didn't tell him that I was upset, but I'm wondering if I should have... I mean, if he can't pick up my hints for a simple day like Valentine's then what can I expect on my birthday or Christmas? Valentine's day was just so depressing this year and I need to make sure next year's is better. What should I do?
Love,
Empty Valentine
Well, the first thing you should do is ditch that gag inducing pet name. If you called me "snuggly bear" I wouldn't buy you a present either. I had a "snuggly bear" once. I was five and he was a stuffed animal. Nothing takes the masculinity out of a man like being compared to a child's plush toy. Second thing you should do is give better hints. Or here is a crazy idea...just tell him what you want. It is a proven fact (not really, but I've proven it so it should count) that 10 times out of 10 when a hint is "dropped" the male party involved won't "pick" it up. He will let it drop to the ground and shatter while simultaneously watching the football game. The same game that you probably hinted that you didn't want him to watch. Men need to know the facts. Don't overwork their brains with hints. To give your guy credit though... I don't even think a trained FEmale could have picked up on your "hint". Mostly because it wasn't a hint. You said you weren't going to get anything for each other, so to the male brain the decision was made and required no more thought. Third thing you need to do is stop putting so much worth in this blasted holiday. Why is hearing the words "I love you" on this dreadful day better than any other? But then again, you did want a singing card. I'm pretty sure anyone who thinks a lame card singing "Let's Get it On" is romantic probably should celebrate this lame holiday.
Dotty Mae
P.S. Here is a list of manly, testosterone filled pet names
Dear Dotty,
So this year for Valentine's day my snuggly bear and I said we wouldn't exchange gifts. Imagine my surprise when I wake up and he really did get me nothing. There was no vase of red roses accenting our dining room table, no dinner at a restaurant, not even a singing card signed with X's and O's. When I said I didn't want anything I was talking about jewelry or clothes...you know, the big ticket items. I didn't tell him that I was upset, but I'm wondering if I should have... I mean, if he can't pick up my hints for a simple day like Valentine's then what can I expect on my birthday or Christmas? Valentine's day was just so depressing this year and I need to make sure next year's is better. What should I do?
Love,
Empty Valentine
Well, the first thing you should do is ditch that gag inducing pet name. If you called me "snuggly bear" I wouldn't buy you a present either. I had a "snuggly bear" once. I was five and he was a stuffed animal. Nothing takes the masculinity out of a man like being compared to a child's plush toy. Second thing you should do is give better hints. Or here is a crazy idea...just tell him what you want. It is a proven fact (not really, but I've proven it so it should count) that 10 times out of 10 when a hint is "dropped" the male party involved won't "pick" it up. He will let it drop to the ground and shatter while simultaneously watching the football game. The same game that you probably hinted that you didn't want him to watch. Men need to know the facts. Don't overwork their brains with hints. To give your guy credit though... I don't even think a trained FEmale could have picked up on your "hint". Mostly because it wasn't a hint. You said you weren't going to get anything for each other, so to the male brain the decision was made and required no more thought. Third thing you need to do is stop putting so much worth in this blasted holiday. Why is hearing the words "I love you" on this dreadful day better than any other? But then again, you did want a singing card. I'm pretty sure anyone who thinks a lame card singing "Let's Get it On" is romantic probably should celebrate this lame holiday.
Dotty Mae
P.S. Here is a list of manly, testosterone filled pet names
- Stud
- Stallion
- Manly Man
- Hulk
You get the drift... make sure to refrain from all food names. He wants to eat a cookie...not be referred to as one.
Dear Dotty,
Another year has come and gone and I have no Valentine to call my own. Not even the mail man took me up on my offer (it was a moment of desperation). I go to work and see the cubicles filled to the brim with flowers, lingerie and chocolate. I sit at my desk and immediatley the scent of roses fills my office. I try not to be sad, but it really is getting old. I was tempted to make up a valentine and send myself a stuffed animal, but that would have been just so pathetic. So what should I do? Do I just give up and accept my fate that I will never have a valentine? Or do I just keep telling myself that "maybe next year it will be different"?
Sincerely,
Lonely Valentine
Quick question...do people really send lingerie to people at the work place? I was actually hoping you were making that part up. If you're not, then that is just disgusting. It is common knowledge that if you see someone open lingerie then you are most likely going to picture them in it. Enough said about that though. Not having a valentine isn't the end of the world. Do you really want someone to tell you they love you with a giant monkey with "you make me bananas" written on it's chest? I think not. Secondly, roses are highly overrated. They are cliche and smell like old ladies that live in retirement communities. I think the best solution right now is to just breathe. Don't worry so much about "finding" a valentine. In fact, when you happen to just "run into" love, I hope it isn't on Valentine's day. Do you really want the day someone tells you how they feel about you to be a holiday where everyone else is doing it? Just sayin'.
Dotty
February 9, 2010
Lately there has been a common theme in some of the e-mails I've gotten. There have been a fair share on romance issues (gag). A few on health issues (the fact that I'm eating a pint of ice cream while writing this should explain exactly why I'm NOT responding to those). Then there are the ones on family drama. Oooh, my fave.
Here are a couple to trip your trigger:
Dear Dotty,
I love my little sister.. Seriously. Its just that lately... I don't know. I've wanted to, well for lack of better words, poke her face off. I know that sounds awful and rereading it I feel totally bad BUT I think you will totally feel for me. She is 6 years younger than me, gorgeous, funny and bright. We are living together right now and most of the time it is really fun, but lately it has taken a turn for the worst. There is this guy that lives next door. Major babe. Anyway, I think we were both into each other. I was putting out vibes and I think he was responding, but then my sister rolls along and suddenly I'm yesterday's meatloaf. He is infatuated with her. He never shuts up about her. She says she isn't interested and wouldn't date him if he asked because I liked him first, but I see the googley eyes she is pointing his way. So I am in a predicament. What should I do? Should I shun them both, just shun my sister, poke her face off, talk it out...what?! I really need some help here. It is pretty vital.
Thanks,
the Older Sister
Sis,
First let's get some things straight. When you say 6 years younger does that make her 10? Or do you just ACT like a 16 year old? Second of all, so you're mad at your sister because she is gorgeous, funny and bright? Does that mean you'd like her more if she were ugly, boring and stupid? Well, that sounds pretty shady. If I were her I would want to not only poke your face off, but put it back on and poke it off all over again. Harsh, I know, but that is why I'm here.
What I think you should do is shun the dude. No guy is worth A) going to jail for poking someone's face off or B) losing a sister. This guy probably thinks he can score with both of you, so you better set him straight immediately. Then you need to go and apologize to your sister because I'm sure you've been acting like a complete door knob lately. After you kiss and make up go and fork "Major Babe's" lawn and then eat a box of celebratory little debbie cakes.
Good Luck,
Dotty
P.S. Is TODAY's meatloaf any better than yesterdays? Just puttin' that out there.
Dear Dotty,
The time has come. After 3 months of putting it off, I finally have to take the boy home to meet the fam. I've been avoiding it, but I have run out of excuses. My sister can only have the "whooping cough" so many times before it stops being believable. Dotty, I'm mortified by the thought of taking him home. My mom is a tye dye making, peace loving, mumu wearing hippie. She lives off of pine nuts and natural remedies. My dad is an amateur clown who lives in his oversized shoes and rainbow wig. I can't even see my sister most of the time because of all the camo print she wears. She sits up in the tree most of the day looking down at her "enemies" waiting for the perfect moment to launch her water balloon grenades. I've told my guy about how "unique" my family is, but I can't bring myself to tell him just how NUTS they are. I'm used to my family, but to spring them all at once on some poor unexpecting soul is just cruel. What should I do?! Do I ask my family to tone it down or just warn him about the mess he has set himself up for?
Sincerely,
The Normal One
Dear Normal,
Umm... well...yikes. Well first, someone needs to break it to your mom that mumus look good on no one. Second, I don't even know where to start. I guess we should start with you. You probably should have been up front with your fella from the get go. Everyone has crazy family members (granted...not as crazy as yours), but we love them anyway. Just sit down and tell him exactly what he has to look forward(?) to: A hippie mom with hairy armpits (sorry if that's a wrong assumption...I usually put hippies and bad hygiene together), a Krusty the Clown dad and G.I. Jane sister. Next we can focus on the boyfriend. He loves you, he is dating you. Not your family. If he dumps you because of your family, then he is a butthead. As for your family, well, they are slightly crazy. That isn't always a bad thing though. Everyone knows it is the crazy relatives that make the family reunions memorable.
Good Luck,
Dotty
P.S. Does your dad do birthday parties? My nephew is having a birthday soon...
Here are a couple to trip your trigger:
Dear Dotty,
I love my little sister.. Seriously. Its just that lately... I don't know. I've wanted to, well for lack of better words, poke her face off. I know that sounds awful and rereading it I feel totally bad BUT I think you will totally feel for me. She is 6 years younger than me, gorgeous, funny and bright. We are living together right now and most of the time it is really fun, but lately it has taken a turn for the worst. There is this guy that lives next door. Major babe. Anyway, I think we were both into each other. I was putting out vibes and I think he was responding, but then my sister rolls along and suddenly I'm yesterday's meatloaf. He is infatuated with her. He never shuts up about her. She says she isn't interested and wouldn't date him if he asked because I liked him first, but I see the googley eyes she is pointing his way. So I am in a predicament. What should I do? Should I shun them both, just shun my sister, poke her face off, talk it out...what?! I really need some help here. It is pretty vital.
Thanks,
the Older Sister
Sis,
First let's get some things straight. When you say 6 years younger does that make her 10? Or do you just ACT like a 16 year old? Second of all, so you're mad at your sister because she is gorgeous, funny and bright? Does that mean you'd like her more if she were ugly, boring and stupid? Well, that sounds pretty shady. If I were her I would want to not only poke your face off, but put it back on and poke it off all over again. Harsh, I know, but that is why I'm here.
What I think you should do is shun the dude. No guy is worth A) going to jail for poking someone's face off or B) losing a sister. This guy probably thinks he can score with both of you, so you better set him straight immediately. Then you need to go and apologize to your sister because I'm sure you've been acting like a complete door knob lately. After you kiss and make up go and fork "Major Babe's" lawn and then eat a box of celebratory little debbie cakes.
Good Luck,
Dotty
P.S. Is TODAY's meatloaf any better than yesterdays? Just puttin' that out there.
Dear Dotty,
The time has come. After 3 months of putting it off, I finally have to take the boy home to meet the fam. I've been avoiding it, but I have run out of excuses. My sister can only have the "whooping cough" so many times before it stops being believable. Dotty, I'm mortified by the thought of taking him home. My mom is a tye dye making, peace loving, mumu wearing hippie. She lives off of pine nuts and natural remedies. My dad is an amateur clown who lives in his oversized shoes and rainbow wig. I can't even see my sister most of the time because of all the camo print she wears. She sits up in the tree most of the day looking down at her "enemies" waiting for the perfect moment to launch her water balloon grenades. I've told my guy about how "unique" my family is, but I can't bring myself to tell him just how NUTS they are. I'm used to my family, but to spring them all at once on some poor unexpecting soul is just cruel. What should I do?! Do I ask my family to tone it down or just warn him about the mess he has set himself up for?
Sincerely,
The Normal One
Dear Normal,
Umm... well...yikes. Well first, someone needs to break it to your mom that mumus look good on no one. Second, I don't even know where to start. I guess we should start with you. You probably should have been up front with your fella from the get go. Everyone has crazy family members (granted...not as crazy as yours), but we love them anyway. Just sit down and tell him exactly what he has to look forward(?) to: A hippie mom with hairy armpits (sorry if that's a wrong assumption...I usually put hippies and bad hygiene together), a Krusty the Clown dad and G.I. Jane sister. Next we can focus on the boyfriend. He loves you, he is dating you. Not your family. If he dumps you because of your family, then he is a butthead. As for your family, well, they are slightly crazy. That isn't always a bad thing though. Everyone knows it is the crazy relatives that make the family reunions memorable.
Good Luck,
Dotty
P.S. Does your dad do birthday parties? My nephew is having a birthday soon...
February 3, 2010
Dear Dotty...
Okay, I think I'm kind of in love. Yes, I said it. Love is grand. Everyone should try it. The minor hitch in this plan? I've only known him for about three weeks...and that is stretching it. I just can't get over it. He is just so stellar. He is different then the last two guys I thought I was in love with. He is tall and just super. He isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, but that can be figured out...right? He always buys me things off the dollar menu, so that means he is frugal. Which is a good thing. I don't know what he thinks about our situation. So I need your advice. Should I just tell him or drop some hints?
Sincerely,
Super Confused
Well when you put it that way you're pretty much out of luck. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. Oh wait...yes I do. He isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he sounds like a giant tool BAG. I'm not trying to rain on your love filled parade, but come on. Get real. A) It has only been 3 weeks. As much as you want to believe in "love at first sight" it ain't happenin'. B) If you are in love with him because he is "tall", then maybe you are short a couple brain cells. C) Frugal? Really? False...there is a fine line between being frugal and just cheap. He, my friend, is just cheap. I know, nothing really says romance like $1 double cheeseburgers, but put the heart attack on a bun down and back away. You want my advice? Don't drop hints, just drop HIM like a dirty trash bag and move on.
Dotty
Just a side note... I don't know why people think I'm some kind of love guru, but I'm definitely not. Can you maybe limit your problems to things like baking, gardening...even quilting?
Okay, I think I'm kind of in love. Yes, I said it. Love is grand. Everyone should try it. The minor hitch in this plan? I've only known him for about three weeks...and that is stretching it. I just can't get over it. He is just so stellar. He is different then the last two guys I thought I was in love with. He is tall and just super. He isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, but that can be figured out...right? He always buys me things off the dollar menu, so that means he is frugal. Which is a good thing. I don't know what he thinks about our situation. So I need your advice. Should I just tell him or drop some hints?
Sincerely,
Super Confused
Well when you put it that way you're pretty much out of luck. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. Oh wait...yes I do. He isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he sounds like a giant tool BAG. I'm not trying to rain on your love filled parade, but come on. Get real. A) It has only been 3 weeks. As much as you want to believe in "love at first sight" it ain't happenin'. B) If you are in love with him because he is "tall", then maybe you are short a couple brain cells. C) Frugal? Really? False...there is a fine line between being frugal and just cheap. He, my friend, is just cheap. I know, nothing really says romance like $1 double cheeseburgers, but put the heart attack on a bun down and back away. You want my advice? Don't drop hints, just drop HIM like a dirty trash bag and move on.
Dotty
Just a side note... I don't know why people think I'm some kind of love guru, but I'm definitely not. Can you maybe limit your problems to things like baking, gardening...even quilting?
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