Dear Dotty,

I think something is wrong with me. I always seem to have crushes on guys that really just want to be my BFF. It is a continuous cycle. I meet a boy, I fall for said boy, we hang out all the time, I think boy may be interested in me, boy isn't... done. Then lather, rinse, repeat and it is back to the beginning. As if being completely rejected wasn't enough, the boy usually comes to me for his love woes. I.Hate.It. My recent failed attempt took it one step further. He rattled off some list of his "perfect" dream girl. She is blonde (so unoriginal), negative 80 pounds (so I like meat...sue me), has giant...well, you know, sings like an angel, smells like vanilla (yeah...he went there), plays every instrument, speaks Spanish and dresses like she just walked off a runway. Basically he wants Barbie to match his Ken and to be happy and tan together. Well let me give you a rundown about me now. I definitely do not have blonde hair. I tried once and it was a complete tragedy. My "ladies", if you will, are nothing to look at (literally...there is nothing to look at), I sang in school once and a pack of dogs ran through the auditorium and apparently I smell like hot trash because I don't use vanilla perfume. I really am a lost cause. Should I try and change? Do I work to develop these "fine" qualities? Why don't boys like me? I really am pretty cool. Every once in awhile... maybe... a little...okay, it is very rare.
Sincerely,
Poor Man's Barbie


Whoa whoa whoa... slow your roll there tootsie. Take a breath and chill. Now let's get one thing straight, Barbie is a skank nasty floozy. No one really likes her. They just pretend because they only want a ride in her Barbie Dream Car. While I'm setting you straight on that I should probably set you straight on all of the other word vomit spewing forth out of your trap. First, I've just got to say that being negative 80 pounds is highly overrated...oh and highly impossible. No matter how hard you try (or how much you poop), you will never be that horrendously thin. Next, if she really played every instrument than I would judge her. That means she plays things like the piccolo or that weird kazoo thing. All trophy wife qualities aside though, I think there is a bigger fish to fry Boo. Even though it goes against every thing I believe in, I'm going to say this extremely cheesy and cliche message. It can be found in many a yearbooks (along with "Have a great summer" and "Science class just wouldn't have been the same without you..."). That message would be this: Be who you are. Don't ever change. Although saying that made me want to hurl a tad, it is true. Don't change because Malibu Ken wants you to. If he is looking for the perfect girl, then that boy ain't getting any for a long while. Last time I checked big boobs and platinum blonde hair were not considered "finer" qualities. Learning how to speak Spanish and play the piano, however, are pretty legit. But do those things because you want to. Forget Ken... you do realize that he is 100% plastic, right? I mean... ALL of him. Another thing, maybe you should start hanging out with new friends. They all sound slightly toolish and a waste of your time. If you hang out with people like Ken, then you will never break this cycle. Lastly, I think I have said this a kabajillion* and one times. You don't need a bunch of boyS to like you. It only takes one. So go on my dear. Your life hasn't ended horrifically because some Oakley wearing, Rock Star drinking, sun tanning butt head (yes, I pulled the butt head card) doesn't like you. In fact, he probably did you a favor.
Dotty Mae
P.S. You do know that Barbie and Ken recently went through an unfortunate divorce, right? So whoever your friend marries, he is kind of doomed from the beginning. Just sayin'.

*kabajillion- what you get when you times kazillion by bajillion.