Dear Dotty,


I was dating a boy. A great boy. A super nice, thoughtful, attractive and amazing boy. Notice I said "was". We dated for six months and then in the matter of seconds our relationship went from "we" to just me. The catch? His name. His first name was fine. I wrote it with mine and drew a heart around it...perfection. Even his bizarre middle name, Gunther, grew on me. But his last name is just horrid. I don't know why I never really paid attention to what his last name is, but it just hit me last week. If I were to marry him my name would be Mrs. Crotch. Crotch...as in, yeah...crotch. Dr. Crotch. Really? I feel like some injustice has been dealt here. A great guy came into my life...a great DOCTOR and then this happened. I miss him, but we can never be. I suggested he changed his last name to mine. It would have a much nicer ring to it and our children wouldn't be made fun of so much. Guess what?! He said NO! Can you believe that? Then he had the nerve to get mad at me. Why is the whole universe out to see me miserable?
Sincerely,
The Ex-future Mrs. Crotch

Let me start by saying... don't be silly, the WHOLE universe isn't out to get you. In fact, I'm pretty sure they could care less about you and your pitiful problem. If I'm being completely honest here, then I should tell you something. I actually think you're a tool bag. Sometimes I get in the mood where I just want to put someones letter up and have them humiliate themselves. Congratulations! You may not be the newest member of the Crotch family, but you have officially succeeded at looking like a complete door knob. The fact that you even suggested that he change his name is proof enough. You really don't understand why he was upset? You basically challenged his manhood, kicked him in the sweets and took away his dignity. You might as well have asked him to wear a skirt. So yes, I can believe that he would be mad. Okay, I know I'm being a little more harsh than usual, but this situation kind of calls for it. If it took you SIX MONTHS ( just to be sure we are on the same page that is half of a year, roughly 182 days, and a total of 26 weeks) to figure out what his last name was then you obviously didn't really care about him, you just cared about the status he would give you. In your mind you were going to marry a hot doctor with an equally hot name and have a brood of hot babies. Surprise! His ancestors threw a monkey wrench into your plans and now you are up a creek. Normally I would tell someone that if they really loved the person then it shouldn't matter...but I'm just going to be legit with you. I don't think you deserve him...Dotty say what? Yep, I went there. I think you need to take a step back and figure some junk out. Don't put this guy through torture. Let him go. Stop, rewind, repeat. The End.
Dotty
P.S. Dr. Crotch... if you read this I just have one golden nugget of advice. Don't name any child of yours Harry. Or Rosie, that just sounds awkward.