Dear Dotty,

I've been seeing this boy for about a month now. I don't know if we're "official", but I think we basically are. We've kind of held hands and I think the next step is kissing. Maybe just a little peck. How should I go about it? I've tried to imagine it in my head. Just the other day I closed my eyes and tried to create a mental picture. I think I can see it. Oh goodness...what to do?
Sincerely,
Lonely Lips

Oh gag. This is what my life has come to. First off... I have a question. When you picture it in your head do you find yourself pursing your lips in that kissy way? I mean, how could you not? It would just seem like a natural reflex. Since you love imagining and practicing, then maybe the next step would be to plant one on your hand. Oooh ooh...or how about a teddy bear. Don't take offense at this, but you seem like the type who would have a stuffed animal "family" positioned on your bed. Just sayin'. Actually, don't listen to anything I just said. If you went around telling people that the reason you make out with inanimate objects was because Dotty told you to, then it would completely ruin my street cred. Or whatever cred it is that I have. There are two things you could do. 1) Just wait it out...maybe he is a gentlemen and wants to take his sweet ever loving time. That is kind of refreshing in today's world. If the patience angle isn't your bag then you could take matters into your own hands...I mean lips. Just grab his sweet lookin' face and plant a fat one right on the money maker. Don't over think it, don't hesitate, just go in for the kill. Do make sure to have brushed your teeth, gurgled mouthwash, sucked on a breath mint or whatever produces the freshest, most kissable breath. No one wants to kiss someone with kitten breath.
Go get 'em tiger,
Dotty
P.S. I want to point out that it was slightly ridiculous to say you've "kind of" held hands. Its like being pregnant...you either are or you aren't.

Dear Dotty,

I'm conflicted. I've really gotten myself into a mess here. It all started with boy number one...for the sake of confidentiatlity we will call him the "foreign one". Foreign...that word right there should make everything more clear. He's not just your average foreign man though. He is a LATIN man. I met him and have since ceased to stop thinking about his beautiful face. Then of course I got to know him and it just got better. He is extremely shy and I can never really tell what is going on in that pretty head of his... I was determined to just be patient and let it play out...and then the "boy next door" came along and threw a wrench into my perfect plan. I met this boy once or twice but never really talked to him. Then one day things kind of changed. He talked to me. Then he asked me out on a date. Funny how one guy can be a complete chicken and the other one just goes in for the kill. I'm excited for the date, I really am. I'm just still really conflicted. Should I just keep working both angles? Do I just see how things unfold? Gag...I hate this whole dating thing and I really hate boys. I just wish sometimes they would all disappear. Just give us ladies a day or two to ourselves.
Love,
Girl Gone Crazy

Man... I'd hate to see how confused you'd get over making an important decision, but I digress. First of all it is hard enough trying to figure out the mind of an "American" man, so why torture yourself with impossible task of trying to figure out a foreign dude's head? That whole language barrier screws everything up. Second of all, I totally agree with you. Foreign men are amazing. I once had a fling with a boy from Toronto. Those Canadians sure now how to woo a lady, eh? True, he was no Latin man. Those guys are in a class all their own. Do you think they come out of the womb knowing how to move their hips like that? That is reason enough to not shut that door completely. However, I don't think you should put everything on hold for him. This "boy next door" character showed interest. He made his intentions clear. I'm pretty impressed actually. Finally we have a dude who grew a pair (sorry, my mental filter is off) and stepped up to the plate. Go and have a good time with him. I suggest trying to block all thoughts of Senor out for the night. Don't let the foreigner encroach (look! I used a fancy word) on American soil, at least not tonight... tomorrow is a different story though. Maybe after your date things will be more clear. Or they could just be even more confusing. If that's the case, then that sucks. I can't tell you what to do...but I'm going to suggest what you should do in a commanding way. Here it is... it is still too early to tell. Go on the date, come home and analyze how you feel then. If high calorie, fatty foods need to be involved in this analysis then by all means, strap 'er on and eat up. Time will tell what the best decision is. It could be that you may like this "boy next door"and your feelings for the latino gradually go away. Or maybe you just want to be friends with "boy" and that the "foreigner" is worth another shot. Maybe (just maybe) neither of them could be worth pursuing and you just need to, I don't know... focus on your studies? Ha! Yeah right. No matter what you decide, don't lose too much sleep over it. At the end of the day they are just a bunch of dudes. Just sayin'. God speed and good luck.
Dotty

Dear Dotty,

Last night I had to meet the parents. Imagine every awkward first meeting and times it by infinity. First we showed up ten minutes late. Usually not a big deal, but you would have thought the world had stopped spinning. After his parents blamed me for OUR tardiness, we sat down to do an impromptu "getting to know you". Not only is my major ridiculous, but so is my hometown, my parents' professions, my choice in music, my choice in clothing, my car and the birthmark on my arm. As if being insulted all night wasn't bad enough, his mom made shrimp. The one and only thing I'm allergic to is shrimp. The one and only thing my boyfriend told her not to make is shrimp. Real classy. So after a disastrous first encounter and a quick trip to the ER, I'm left wondering if it is even worth it. Should I break things off? Should I keep dating my boyfriend, but swear off all contact with the parents? Or should I go with my first instinct and fork their professionally landscaped lawn?
Sincerely,
Girl with hives

I've been told that you should always go with your gut instinct. So if you want to fork their lawn, well then fork away. Wal-Mart is having a sale on all plastic utensils this week. It isn't healthy to keep your feelings all bottled up inside, so this will really help you to express your anger. Once you've finished vandalizing their property, you should probably talk to the boyfriend about the spawns of Satan... I mean his parents. If he doesn't realize how dysfunctional that dinner was then he probably didn't pick up on his psycho parents. I guess this is the point where I tell you to "talk it out", tell him how you feel...blah blah blah. Once you get on the same page with your Boo then the rest is really up to you about whether or not you want to associate with them. Personally, I feel the next time you go over (if ever...and who could blame you if you didn't), you should do a little interrogating of your own. Start by critiquing his mom's "natural" hair color or the mole on her chin. Then compliment her about the wrinkles around her eyes and how "wise" they make her look. Then comment on the dad's bifocals, adorable receding hair line and wrap it up with a remark about his pot belly. Okay, so this probably wouldn't go over well and you shouldn't really do it, but it never hurts to think about it. Good luck to you.

Dotty

P.S. I'm trying to figure out why they would have a problem with your birthmark and the only thing I can think of is it is in the shape of something naughty. Am I right? You can tell me. I can keep a secret.

Also, may I suggest some other forms of vandalism. Here are a few of my personal faves.

• saran wrapping their car
• toilet papering their house
• throwing bologna on their windows
• jell-o in the swimming pool

I know, I know...I'm a day late. Yesterday was the big day. The day where we shower the ones we love with giant teddy bears, 80 lb boxes of chocolate, 20 dozen roses and a hallmark card that says what we can't. Why we need one day dedicated to telling the people we love that we love them is beyond me. I.loathe.Valentine's.day. Everything about it makes me want to gag. Personal feelings aside though, it is one of my busiest days, so to not seize the opportunity would be a crime.

Dear Dotty,

So this year for Valentine's day my snuggly bear and I said we wouldn't exchange gifts. Imagine my surprise when I wake up and he really did get me nothing. There was no vase of red roses accenting our dining room table, no dinner at a restaurant, not even a singing card signed with X's and O's. When I said I didn't want anything I was talking about jewelry or clothes...you know, the big ticket items. I didn't tell him that I was upset, but I'm wondering if I should have... I mean, if he can't pick up my hints for a simple day like Valentine's then what can I expect on my birthday or Christmas? Valentine's day was just so depressing this year and I need to make sure next year's is better. What should I do?
Love,
Empty Valentine

Well, the first thing you should do is ditch that gag inducing pet name. If you called me "snuggly bear" I wouldn't buy you a present either. I had a "snuggly bear" once. I was five and he was a stuffed animal. Nothing takes the masculinity out of a man like being compared to a child's plush toy. Second thing you should do is give better hints. Or here is a crazy idea...just tell him what you want. It is a proven fact (not really, but I've proven it so it should count) that 10 times out of 10 when a hint is "dropped" the male party involved won't "pick" it up. He will let it drop to the ground and shatter while simultaneously watching the football game. The same game that you probably hinted that you didn't want him to watch. Men need to know the facts. Don't overwork their brains with hints. To give your guy credit though... I don't even think a trained FEmale could have picked up on your "hint". Mostly because it wasn't a hint. You said you weren't going to get anything for each other, so to the male brain the decision was made and required no more thought. Third thing you need to do is stop putting so much worth in this blasted holiday. Why is hearing the words "I love you" on this dreadful day better than any other? But then again, you did want a singing card. I'm pretty sure anyone who thinks a lame card singing "Let's Get it On" is romantic probably should celebrate this lame holiday.
Dotty Mae
P.S. Here is a list of manly, testosterone filled pet names

• Stud
• Stallion
• Manly Man
• Hulk

You get the drift... make sure to refrain from all food names. He wants to eat a cookie...not be referred to as one.

Dear Dotty,

Another year has come and gone and I have no Valentine to call my own. Not even the mail man took me up on my offer (it was a moment of desperation). I go to work and see the cubicles filled to the brim with flowers, lingerie and chocolate. I sit at my desk and immediatley the scent of roses fills my office. I try not to be sad, but it really is getting old. I was tempted to make up a valentine and send myself a stuffed animal, but that would have been just so pathetic. So what should I do? Do I just give up and accept my fate that I will never have a valentine? Or do I just keep telling myself that "maybe next year it will be different"?

Sincerely,

Lonely Valentine

Quick question...do people really send lingerie to people at the work place? I was actually hoping you were making that part up. If you're not, then that is just disgusting. It is common knowledge that if you see someone open lingerie then you are most likely going to picture them in it. Enough said about that though. Not having a valentine isn't the end of the world. Do you really want someone to tell you they love you with a giant monkey with "you make me bananas" written on it's chest? I think not. Secondly, roses are highly overrated. They are cliche and smell like old ladies that live in retirement communities. I think the best solution right now is to just breathe. Don't worry so much about "finding" a valentine. In fact, when you happen to just "run into" love, I hope it isn't on Valentine's day. Do you really want the day someone tells you how they feel about you to be a holiday where everyone else is doing it? Just sayin'.

Dotty

Lately there has been a common theme in some of the e-mails I've gotten. There have been a fair share on romance issues (gag). A few on health issues (the fact that I'm eating a pint of ice cream while writing this should explain exactly why I'm NOT responding to those). Then there are the ones on family drama. Oooh, my fave.

Here are a couple to trip your trigger:

Dear Dotty,

I love my little sister.. Seriously. Its just that lately... I don't know. I've wanted to, well for lack of better words, poke her face off. I know that sounds awful and rereading it I feel totally bad BUT I think you will totally feel for me. She is 6 years younger than me, gorgeous, funny and bright. We are living together right now and most of the time it is really fun, but lately it has taken a turn for the worst. There is this guy that lives next door. Major babe. Anyway, I think we were both into each other. I was putting out vibes and I think he was responding, but then my sister rolls along and suddenly I'm yesterday's meatloaf. He is infatuated with her. He never shuts up about her. She says she isn't interested and wouldn't date him if he asked because I liked him first, but I see the googley eyes she is pointing his way. So I am in a predicament. What should I do? Should I shun them both, just shun my sister, poke her face off, talk it out...what?! I really need some help here. It is pretty vital.
Thanks,
the Older Sister

Sis,

First let's get some things straight. When you say 6 years younger does that make her 10? Or do you just ACT like a 16 year old? Second of all, so you're mad at your sister because she is gorgeous, funny and bright? Does that mean you'd like her more if she were ugly, boring and stupid? Well, that sounds pretty shady. If I were her I would want to not only poke your face off, but put it back on and poke it off all over again. Harsh, I know, but that is why I'm here.

What I think you should do is shun the dude. No guy is worth A) going to jail for poking someone's face off or B) losing a sister. This guy probably thinks he can score with both of you, so you better set him straight immediately. Then you need to go and apologize to your sister because I'm sure you've been acting like a complete door knob lately. After you kiss and make up go and fork "Major Babe's" lawn and then eat a box of celebratory little debbie cakes.

Good Luck,
Dotty
P.S. Is TODAY's meatloaf any better than yesterdays? Just puttin' that out there.

Dear Dotty,

The time has come. After 3 months of putting it off, I finally have to take the boy home to meet the fam. I've been avoiding it, but I have run out of excuses. My sister can only have the "whooping cough" so many times before it stops being believable. Dotty, I'm mortified by the thought of taking him home. My mom is a tye dye making, peace loving, mumu wearing hippie. She lives off of pine nuts and natural remedies. My dad is an amateur clown who lives in his oversized shoes and rainbow wig. I can't even see my sister most of the time because of all the camo print she wears. She sits up in the tree most of the day looking down at her "enemies" waiting for the perfect moment to launch her water balloon grenades. I've told my guy about how "unique" my family is, but I can't bring myself to tell him just how NUTS they are. I'm used to my family, but to spring them all at once on some poor unexpecting soul is just cruel. What should I do?! Do I ask my family to tone it down or just warn him about the mess he has set himself up for?
Sincerely,
The Normal One

Dear Normal,

Umm... well...yikes. Well first, someone needs to break it to your mom that mumus look good on no one. Second, I don't even know where to start. I guess we should start with you. You probably should have been up front with your fella from the get go. Everyone has crazy family members (granted...not as crazy as yours), but we love them anyway. Just sit down and tell him exactly what he has to look forward(?) to: A hippie mom with hairy armpits (sorry if that's a wrong assumption...I usually put hippies and bad hygiene together), a Krusty the Clown dad and G.I. Jane sister. Next we can focus on the boyfriend. He loves you, he is dating you. Not your family. If he dumps you because of your family, then he is a butthead. As for your family, well, they are slightly crazy. That isn't always a bad thing though. Everyone knows it is the crazy relatives that make the family reunions memorable.
Good Luck,
Dotty
P.S. Does your dad do birthday parties? My nephew is having a birthday soon...

Dear Dotty...

Okay, I think I'm kind of in love. Yes, I said it. Love is grand. Everyone should try it. The minor hitch in this plan? I've only known him for about three weeks...and that is stretching it. I just can't get over it. He is just so stellar. He is different then the last two guys I thought I was in love with. He is tall and just super. He isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, but that can be figured out...right? He always buys me things off the dollar menu, so that means he is frugal. Which is a good thing. I don't know what he thinks about our situation. So I need your advice. Should I just tell him or drop some hints?
Sincerely,
Super Confused

Well when you put it that way you're pretty much out of luck. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. Oh wait...yes I do. He isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he sounds like a giant tool BAG. I'm not trying to rain on your love filled parade, but come on. Get real. A) It has only been 3 weeks. As much as you want to believe in "love at first sight" it ain't happenin'. B) If you are in love with him because he is "tall", then maybe you are short a couple brain cells. C) Frugal? Really? False...there is a fine line between being frugal and just cheap. He, my friend, is just cheap. I know, nothing really says romance like $1 double cheeseburgers, but put the heart attack on a bun down and back away. You want my advice? Don't drop hints, just drop HIM like a dirty trash bag and move on.

Dotty

Just a side note... I don't know why people think I'm some kind of love guru, but I'm definitely not. Can you maybe limit your problems to things like baking, gardening...even quilting?