Dear Dotty,

Last night I had to meet the parents. Imagine every awkward first meeting and times it by infinity. First we showed up ten minutes late. Usually not a big deal, but you would have thought the world had stopped spinning. After his parents blamed me for OUR tardiness, we sat down to do an impromptu "getting to know you". Not only is my major ridiculous, but so is my hometown, my parents' professions, my choice in music, my choice in clothing, my car and the birthmark on my arm. As if being insulted all night wasn't bad enough, his mom made shrimp. The one and only thing I'm allergic to is shrimp. The one and only thing my boyfriend told her not to make is shrimp. Real classy. So after a disastrous first encounter and a quick trip to the ER, I'm left wondering if it is even worth it. Should I break things off? Should I keep dating my boyfriend, but swear off all contact with the parents? Or should I go with my first instinct and fork their professionally landscaped lawn?
Sincerely,
Girl with hives

I've been told that you should always go with your gut instinct. So if you want to fork their lawn, well then fork away. Wal-Mart is having a sale on all plastic utensils this week. It isn't healthy to keep your feelings all bottled up inside, so this will really help you to express your anger. Once you've finished vandalizing their property, you should probably talk to the boyfriend about the spawns of Satan... I mean his parents. If he doesn't realize how dysfunctional that dinner was then he probably didn't pick up on his psycho parents. I guess this is the point where I tell you to "talk it out", tell him how you feel...blah blah blah. Once you get on the same page with your Boo then the rest is really up to you about whether or not you want to associate with them. Personally, I feel the next time you go over (if ever...and who could blame you if you didn't), you should do a little interrogating of your own. Start by critiquing his mom's "natural" hair color or the mole on her chin. Then compliment her about the wrinkles around her eyes and how "wise" they make her look. Then comment on the dad's bifocals, adorable receding hair line and wrap it up with a remark about his pot belly. Okay, so this probably wouldn't go over well and you shouldn't really do it, but it never hurts to think about it. Good luck to you.

Dotty

P.S. I'm trying to figure out why they would have a problem with your birthmark and the only thing I can think of is it is in the shape of something naughty. Am I right? You can tell me. I can keep a secret.

Also, may I suggest some other forms of vandalism. Here are a few of my personal faves.

• saran wrapping their car
• toilet papering their house
• throwing bologna on their windows
• jell-o in the swimming pool