Dotty,

My heart is all a flutter. I don't know how to control it. My palms are constantly sweaty, my heart bounces around like a ping pong ball and suddenly all I want to do is smile. I thought I experienced complete happiness when I found the perfect (yes..truly perfect) pair of heels, but that doesn't even compare to how I'm feeling. I think I may or may not have found the boy I may or may not end up marrying. But my judgements may or may not be a little off kilter given my current condition. I've met a boy. He is super. He is nice, smart, funny, handsome and has the kindest eyes I've ever seen. He is even a little exotic. He grew up in Alaska. How cool is that? No one lives in Alaska. he can probably skin a bear with his teeth. A week ago I was 110% confident that he was interested back, but now I'm not so sure. He was talking to me a lot and acting like he actually enjoyed it. He even texted me first! He stopped by my apartment the other day. but then one day a bunch of us were out somewhere and he talks to pretty much everyone BUT me. Correction... pretty much every girl. Maybe he is just real friendly. Maybe he mistook me for a sad, lonely girl with only her great shoe collection to keep her company. I try to remain calm in all situations, but usually my efforts are for naught. What in the world should I do? Do I just give up and distance myself? do I keep making an effort but stay subtle about it? do I go to the nearest shoe store and attempt to find another perfect pair of shoes to fill the void in my heart? Please respond immediately before I go completely insane.
Sincerely,
Head over High Heels

Hol-ee cow, child! You need to calm the heck down. I got a panic attack just reading the tale of your woes. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually be you. First I want to address your sweaty palms. Often times this is a clinical condition. A real quick trip to the doctor's and that can be sorted out. I had a boyfriend with sweaty palms once. It was like holding hands with a walrus. They are wet animals, right? Or was my ex-boyfriend with the handlebar mustache the walrus? oh gosh... now I'm confused. This is going to bug me, but I will try to get back on track. Second concern I have...perfect heels are like unicorns. They don't exist. Just like looking for a four leaf clover, you can look for hours on end to find "perfect" heels, but your efforts will not be rewarded. I'm sure shoes is not your major concern right now. I'm sure all you really care about is figuring out this boy conundrum. Let me be honest, as smart as I am I will never be able to fully solve a boy problem. I can't tell you what they are thinking. It is safe to say you can narrow it down to food, sports or gas, but even then you just have to guess. As for your particular boy...well that is a toughy. There are some people out there who are truly just kind souls. I love those kind of people. Maybe that is because I'm not one of them. At the same time, just because someone is kind doesn't mean they have to go out of their way to talk to you. Someone is kind because they don't punch an annoying person in the throat (I'm not speaking from personal experience). Someone is kind because they refrain from yelling at someone who cuts them off (okay, I'm totally justified on this one). Anyway, what I'm getting at is he kind of went out of his way to talk to you and then he kept talking to you. He could have said hello and then goodbye in 2 minutes and been on his merry way. Don't count this young chap out yet. You did just meet him like 2 hours ago. Maybe you just need to relax and take your time. What is up with all these pushy girls lately? You meet a boy and expect to fall in love and get married within a week. Just take deep breaths. Everything will be okay. I hope I was able to stop any major panic attack or coronary. Hey, you're a lot better off than some girls. You at least have a pile of shoes to drown your depression in.
Dotty

P.S. I was going to be nice and not talk about Alaska, but I would be letting a golden opportunity pass. Alaska is exotic... minus the whole exotic part. Just because he lives in a part of the world where there is a bigger population of fish than people does not mean he is exotic. It means he is lonely and anti social. Maybe you should try Ireland. They may drink like fish, but the accent and ginger locks of lovely hair is so worth it.

Oh Dotty...


Woe is me. I'm currently at home. I'm wearing the same pajamas that I put on 3 days ago (yes, that does mean that I am also wearing the same underwear from 3 days ago). I'm sitting on the couch next to a pile of empty ice cream cartons and twinkie wrappers. Please don't judge me. I'm in mourning. It is not the death of a person that I mourn, but the death of Valentines. I had high hopes this year. This new guy started working in the same office as me. So like any girl would do, I started to investigate. I would eat my lunch at the same time as him so I could find out his favorite foods. FYI... He looooooves bologna sandwiches with the holy cheese with bugles. OMG!!! I loooooooove bugles. Well, I've never actually eaten one but I played one in high school. I found out what kind of car he drives so that I could park next to him in the garage. He drives a Prius. Presh, right? Not only does he love bologna, but he cares about the environment. Oh sigh. I also went into his cubicle one time when he was sick and hung up a "get well" banner. Okay, so I had ulterior motives. I also wanted to check out the pictures on his computer to determine whether or not he had a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he is single and ready to mingle. Guess what? So am I. So I took all these things as a cosmic sign from the universe telling me to ask him to be my Valentine. I ordered a singing Cupid to come to the office and deliver a bouquet of balloons and a life sized teddy bear. I was so giddy watching him as I crouched behind the plant in the hallway. You know what happened next? He said "No". In fact, he kind of screamed it. I don't know why he felt the need to shout. It was quite rude. What went wrong, Dotty? I was so positive he would say yes. Now I'm here...alone with nothing to cuddle but a life sized teddy bear that was delivered to my door with a restraining order. Please help me feel better. Tell me that he was crazy and that my prince charming is just around the corner.



Love,

Bitter Valentine

Uhhh [insert chirping cricket sound here]. Hmmm...well. You're a psychopath. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don't think you actually want advice. What you really want is for someone as equally psycho as you to justify all the reasons why what you did was not psycho. Well, guess what? I probably wasn't the person to go to, but now that I have your attention let's list all the evidence that shows just how crazy you are. You might be asking yourself where you first went wrong. Let me tell you... the bugle. Who in their right mind plays a bugle? I've only known one other person who played the bugle. He was 87 years old, ate cat food and had split personality disorder. The bugle doesn't help your image much. Just sayin'. Oh, and another quick side note. It may come as a shock to you, but "holy cheese" is not the actual name. Its called Swiss cheese (who knew?) and to pair it with bologna is a crime. Bologna is a mystery meat so the best it deserves is a rubbery Kraft singles slice. Now on to the good stuff. You made all the classic mistakes.... you just happened to be an overachiever and ramped them up a few levels. Let me give you a few pointers (not that they will actually work because you are slightly unstable, but this way I can say I did my part). The root of your actions were actually pretty smart "guy snagging" techniques. However, they got a little "Chester Molester" by the end. Observe... good move #1 Sitting with him at lunch. This is an easy way to break the ice. You can talk to him, ask him simple (NON creepy questions) and get to know him. Where you screwed up? Observing his every move and breath. I wouldn't even past you to record his daily bowel movements. No one wants to be stared out when they are stuffing their face with processed meat and Wonder bread. Good move #2 enquiring after his well-being. Usually when a dude gets sick the whole world has to know about it. They want everyone to know that they are in pain and discomfort (boys are such pansies). So, when he gets back into the office ask if there is something you can do for him. Your epic failure? Being CREEPY!!! You invaded his privacy, touched his things and not to mention breathed in his germs. You're probably coming down with the flu as we speak...nasty. I guess the point I'm trying to make is... slow your roll Tootsie. Dudes are like deer. Professing your undying love is like the snapping of a twig. They hear it and run the other way. Despite your camouflage (or in your case a plastic office plant), they will spot you for the hunter you are and make a hasty escape. Then you will be alone with nothing to hold but a gun...or in your case a restraining order and a box of jelly filled donuts. I hope this helped somewhat. If not...well good luck being a complete nut bar. Until next year...

Dotty

P.S. I just want to make it clear that just because I may have compared you to a hunter does NOT mean that I'm approving of you carrying a gun or any other type of weapon that could maim, paralyze or kill another human being.