Dear Dotty,



There must have been a full moon, Friday the 13th, time warp, or a BOGO sale at Payless or something. There had to have been some cosmic shift in the universe to explain the recent happenings in my life. I despise boys. They have it so easy. They can wake up, roll out of bed, scrounge up a pit stained t-shirt and be on their merry way...and look GOOD. They don't have to shower, dress well or put on make up. Males are just naturally beautiful. It is this reason that as well as having a burning hatred for men, I also have a deep, soul filling love. Gag. Boys can do "ugly" things (not wearing deodorant, farting, talking about poop, etc.) and come out looking oh so lovely. As females, we flock to them and they enjoy it. I decided to do a little experiment. For one month ( and one month only) I would adopt their "ugly" behaviors. My daily schedule went from waking up, primping and putting on a ridiculously cute/thought out outfit (usually planned a couple days in advance) to something completely opposite. I woke up (usually 10 minutes before I had to be to class). I got dressed in the dark. I brushed my teeth and then walked out of the house. Dotty, I looked like a wet kitten. I was a hot mess up and down and back again. Most days I was lucky if I got my hair brushed. I think I even wore the same outfit for a week straight (getting dressed in the dark is harder, not to mention more dangerous, than I thought). I thought for sure boys would be absolutely repulsed just being within the same time zone as me. Boy, was I surprised. By the end of week one I had been asked out on three dates. By the end of week two I had 4 boys ask me to be their girlfriend. This type of stuff kept happening the whole month. What in the heck is up with that? I look and smell like putrid broccoli and I have boys beating down my door. Have I found the secret to dating? Are boys so disgusting that what they are attracted to is a filth equal (if not greater) to theirs? My month is up. I don't know if I could have handled another two shower week. What should I expect now that my experiment is over? My first week back is already significantly different than my first week as a nasty sewer rat. I don't have any dates lined up, but at least I can say I'm wearing a fresh pair of undies.

The Dirty Dame



Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You didn't change your underthings every day? Not even every other day? Listen, I'm all for a good experiment, but that is how you get diseases. Go to the doctor. Like right now. Once I work through my gag reflexes I can tell you that you bring up a valid point. Sometimes (not all the time!) boys are quite disgusting. Think about it... they can be clueless about hygiene, but they still look attractive. They can wake up and smell like a hot fart, but the girls will still love them. They don't care about impressing anybody. But on the flip side we have girls... oh how stupid and shallow we can be. Girls put so much effort into how they look for two reasons and two reasons only. 1) to impress boys and 2) to make other girls jealous. Yep, we are pretty pathetic. I'm a firm believer that boys really do have the upper hand when it comes to dating. They know girls are dumb. They know that they put so much effort into getting their attention and they know that girls will rip another girl's hair out just to get noticed by a male. It is really quite annoying. So, as a girl, I applaud and thank you for throwing a wrench into their plans. You went where not many would dare to go or even think about. You went ugly. You adopted the most disgusting and horrific behaviors. You were soooo nasty that the boys started to notice. You could have asked one to "pull my finger" and he probably would have returned your question with a marriage proposal. You threw off their equilibrium. You completely botched their plans. You totally confused them ( let's face it...that isn't too hard to do). They were left to wonder about the mysterious, smelly he-woman. For that brief period of time you were so foreign to them and they liked it. They wanted to get to know the interesting, hairy she beast. Do you understand how much power you have? Gosh... I'm kind of jealous. They are like putty in your hand now. Boys flocked to you because you weren't trying so hard. You weren't acting so desperate. You said in your letter that you hate boys...and honestly, you were kind of acting like it. So what was their goal? To woo you and make you like them. This is a very good lesson you learned. I'm not saying you should ever adopt those nasty skunk habits again. But maybe you should try and avoid the other extreme too. So what if you don't plan your outfit three months in advance? Maybe you don't need to do your hair like you're about to go to prom. Try and find a happy medium. I think what needs to happen is for your primped prom queen side and your dirty sewer trash side to meet and be friends. Grime down the stuck up snob and spruce up the dumpster diving hobo. I think this will make it so the boys have to put at least an inch of effort in, rather than them sitting on their lazy (and probably dirty) behinds.

Dotty