Oh Dotty...


Woe is me. I'm currently at home. I'm wearing the same pajamas that I put on 3 days ago (yes, that does mean that I am also wearing the same underwear from 3 days ago). I'm sitting on the couch next to a pile of empty ice cream cartons and twinkie wrappers. Please don't judge me. I'm in mourning. It is not the death of a person that I mourn, but the death of Valentines. I had high hopes this year. This new guy started working in the same office as me. So like any girl would do, I started to investigate. I would eat my lunch at the same time as him so I could find out his favorite foods. FYI... He looooooves bologna sandwiches with the holy cheese with bugles. OMG!!! I loooooooove bugles. Well, I've never actually eaten one but I played one in high school. I found out what kind of car he drives so that I could park next to him in the garage. He drives a Prius. Presh, right? Not only does he love bologna, but he cares about the environment. Oh sigh. I also went into his cubicle one time when he was sick and hung up a "get well" banner. Okay, so I had ulterior motives. I also wanted to check out the pictures on his computer to determine whether or not he had a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he is single and ready to mingle. Guess what? So am I. So I took all these things as a cosmic sign from the universe telling me to ask him to be my Valentine. I ordered a singing Cupid to come to the office and deliver a bouquet of balloons and a life sized teddy bear. I was so giddy watching him as I crouched behind the plant in the hallway. You know what happened next? He said "No". In fact, he kind of screamed it. I don't know why he felt the need to shout. It was quite rude. What went wrong, Dotty? I was so positive he would say yes. Now I'm here...alone with nothing to cuddle but a life sized teddy bear that was delivered to my door with a restraining order. Please help me feel better. Tell me that he was crazy and that my prince charming is just around the corner.



Love,

Bitter Valentine

Uhhh [insert chirping cricket sound here]. Hmmm...well. You're a psychopath. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don't think you actually want advice. What you really want is for someone as equally psycho as you to justify all the reasons why what you did was not psycho. Well, guess what? I probably wasn't the person to go to, but now that I have your attention let's list all the evidence that shows just how crazy you are. You might be asking yourself where you first went wrong. Let me tell you... the bugle. Who in their right mind plays a bugle? I've only known one other person who played the bugle. He was 87 years old, ate cat food and had split personality disorder. The bugle doesn't help your image much. Just sayin'. Oh, and another quick side note. It may come as a shock to you, but "holy cheese" is not the actual name. Its called Swiss cheese (who knew?) and to pair it with bologna is a crime. Bologna is a mystery meat so the best it deserves is a rubbery Kraft singles slice. Now on to the good stuff. You made all the classic mistakes.... you just happened to be an overachiever and ramped them up a few levels. Let me give you a few pointers (not that they will actually work because you are slightly unstable, but this way I can say I did my part). The root of your actions were actually pretty smart "guy snagging" techniques. However, they got a little "Chester Molester" by the end. Observe... good move #1 Sitting with him at lunch. This is an easy way to break the ice. You can talk to him, ask him simple (NON creepy questions) and get to know him. Where you screwed up? Observing his every move and breath. I wouldn't even past you to record his daily bowel movements. No one wants to be stared out when they are stuffing their face with processed meat and Wonder bread. Good move #2 enquiring after his well-being. Usually when a dude gets sick the whole world has to know about it. They want everyone to know that they are in pain and discomfort (boys are such pansies). So, when he gets back into the office ask if there is something you can do for him. Your epic failure? Being CREEPY!!! You invaded his privacy, touched his things and not to mention breathed in his germs. You're probably coming down with the flu as we speak...nasty. I guess the point I'm trying to make is... slow your roll Tootsie. Dudes are like deer. Professing your undying love is like the snapping of a twig. They hear it and run the other way. Despite your camouflage (or in your case a plastic office plant), they will spot you for the hunter you are and make a hasty escape. Then you will be alone with nothing to hold but a gun...or in your case a restraining order and a box of jelly filled donuts. I hope this helped somewhat. If not...well good luck being a complete nut bar. Until next year...

Dotty

P.S. I just want to make it clear that just because I may have compared you to a hunter does NOT mean that I'm approving of you carrying a gun or any other type of weapon that could maim, paralyze or kill another human being.