Dear Dotty,

I've had an ongoing problem for the past few years now. I have really great friends, both boys and girls. My girl friends are all gorgeous and funny and smart. My boy friends are all single...and love girls that are gorgeous and funny and smart. I, however, apparently am none of those things. No, no, no... you see I am just the way for my great guy friends to get to my great girl friends. They come to me all buddy buddy with their fist bumps and pats on the back and then beg me to "hook a brotha up". It is actually really annoying and discouraging. Why is it that every time I meet a dude he is all about my friend, my sister, my roommate...heck, even my hairdresser. I'm just the jolly ol' friend/ love doctor. I think it is funny that the one person that has like negative experience where love is concerned is always being asked for some "wise advice". Should I just suck it up, stop being a baby and match everyone else up until I'm completely and utterly alone?
Sincerely,
The Love Guru

Oh come now, there is no way you would ever be totally alone. People buy cats to solve that problem. Lots and lots of cats. There was once a documentary where a lady had 45 cats and she was as happy as could be. Besides that whole fur ball problem and smelling like cat nip I hear cats are the way to go. Honestly, I hear about this problem all the time. Shoot, I've had to deal with this problem. I'm the perpetual "wing man". Or should I say was? You know what I did to solve my problems? Sabotage. Yep, I sunk to that level and I'm not ashamed to admit it. My guy friend wanted to date my best friend. So I told him she liked roller coasters, anchovies on her pizza and Miley Cyrus. When in reality ALL of those things make her gag if not puke. So what did he do? Took her to an amusement park where her motion sickness set in, then right as she felt better dinner was served. The delectable fishy smell sent her gag reflexes into high gear. The poor thing felt so awful that my friend had to drive her home... he tried to cheer her up slash woo her by playing a little Miley...or is it Hannah Montana? You never know which personality she will be. Needless to say the date did not end with a little somethin' somethin'. Instead it ended with her puking all over his shirt and an adamant "NO!" to his offer of a second date. Oh shame. Okay, so it sounds a lot worse when I write it out, but it worked. I have given up all duties as the designated matchmaker. If sabotage isn't your bag then there are a ton of different tactics you can use. Just play dumb. Act like you have no idea what they are talking about. You can pretend you thought he was partial to men and set him up with another guy friend (I'm actually rooting for this one. The results would be epic). Or just be completely honest and say you want no part of it. What you shouldn't do is fret about it. You may not have a million guys knocking down your door...but do you really want a million? No... it only takes one. So keep on keepin' on.
Dotty

P.S. "Hook a brotha up"? Really? Only white guys trying to sound thug say that. After you sabotage their love lives you should rub salt in the wound by making fun of them immediately.