Dear Dotty,

I have accomplished quite a bit in my young life. I have graduated college, started a successful career, moved to a new city, bought a house and even have a bowl of goldfish proudly displayed on my kitchen counter. You'd think that I would be pretty outgoing, right? Wrong. I can score a 30 on the ACTs, complete a Sudoku puzzle in 5 minutes flat and even put together business proposals, but I can't seem to talk to the one boy that gets my heart racing. Not only do we work in the same place, but we even go to the same church. What are the chances? I haven't had time to work out the exact odds to that, but I'm sure it is somewhere around slim to none. I wish I could think of a ton of clever and witty things to say, but I just get all tongue tied. I try...well kind of. I went up all gung ho to talk to him once and then the you know what hit the fan. I acutally asked if he knew the answer to 12 across on my crossword puzzle. He looked at me like I had tentacles. I want to vomit thinking about it. He tries to talk to me sometimes, but I just look like an idiot. I think I am a terminal dweeb. I would rather watch National Geographic than go to the newest chick flick. My type of shopping spree is going to town at Office Depot. He on the other hand is so cool. He wears hip clothes, plays the guitar and speaks like 20 different languages. What do I do? I am nervous to talk to him, but at the same time his smile drives me crazy. I can't even concentrate when I see him. I think he is the Edward Cullen to my Bella.

The Dweeb

I kind of like you Dweeb. I think you are a lot cooler than you think. I mean, you're Team Edward. That already gives you like 20 points in your favor. If you had said Jacob, then I would have put you in your place immediately. Do people not realize he is a dog? That would be disgusting. Humans and dogs should not mate. They institutionalize people for that. But I digress. A little word to the wise, Dweeb. Don't put him on some whole other level than you. You make it sound like he is some god from Olympus. Yes, he plays the guitar. Okay, I do agree with you on that one. An ugly dude can play the guitar and then he becomes friggen Fabio. Uhh...not that I find Fabio attractive at all. Okay, once I did see a picture of him and I didn't hate life. What were we talking about again? Oh...right. We were talking about Mr. Fantastic. So he speaks multiple languages. Lets be legit, if he can speak 20 languages then I'm sure most of them are really lame ones. Do you really want him to whisper sweet nothings into your ear in that weird African clicky language? Enough about him though. Now let us focus on things you bring to the table. You're obviously smart, nice, friendly to animals. You can find my goldfish (still alive) in the toilet...right before I flush them down. Not to mention you will always have a paper clip readily available. As for conversation starters. Why not talk about the National Geographic documenta-thingy? He may be equally as nerdy as you are. Talk about church or food or the weather if you have to. Another thing I noticed is that he attempts to talk to you. Well take the bull by the horns, Dweeb and get your swerve on. I can give you all this advice, but until you decide to just be your rad self and talk to him then I really can't help. I think we should end this how we started. It always comes down to Twilight. I believe some of life's questions can be solved through vampires...kidding, but seriously. Edward had the hots pretty hardcore for Bella. I mean, he wants to take a chunk out of her neck like every time he sees her. Maybe you are Bella to his Edward...just sayin'. As long as he doesn't really try and bite you or tell you that you are like a drug to him ( that is the second to worse line... only to be beat by "hang on spider monkey"). Good luck and good night. I'll be here all week.
Dotty Mae