Dear Dotty, Just recently I've determined that I am probably one of the creepiest creepos. Ever. That sentence right there is probably making you question whether or not you should keep reading or just ignore this message. Keep reading. I promise it will all make sense. Last week I met a boy. We hit it off. We talked. We laughed. We met through another friend of ours. I thought for sure we had a connection. That is why I was all for my friend giving this boy my number. That was four whole days ago. I've been anxiously checking my phone, facebook, e-mail, anything...just any sign that he has tried to contact me. Sadly, there has been no sign of contact on his part. I don't know why it is driving me crazy, but it is. All I can think is that maybe he didn't really want to be my friend. Maybe he was just being polite. Barf. I hate when boys do that. Don't beat around the bush you sissy weed monkey. Just tell me you don't like me. That way it wouldn't be awkward if I just happened to grab your face and kiss the crap out of you. Yeah, I thought about doing that, okay? Is there anything wrong with that? Anyway, now I'm left wondering if I should just drop the whole thing and keep going about my day. Or... maybe, just maybe, I should just be a little more assertive. Should I ask my friend to give him a gentle little nudge? Should I ask her to have him write me, call me, anything??? I'm just so confused. Please help a sister out. I'm probably just being a dumb girl. Thanks, Anxiously Awaiting Dear AA.... Yeah, as in Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought it was very fitting. If you're acting like this and you're not drunk, then I can't even imagine how wild and crazy you would get with a little whiskey in you. You're correct, I read that first sentence and immediately put a giant X on your name. I had just marked your message and was on my way to the delete button where your question would have died an eternal and electronic death, but something caught my eye. Sissy weed monkey. I was confused and inspired all at the same time. I decided to look it up. You know what I got? Nothing. So what did I do? I looked the three words up separately. Sissy(n.): 1. an effeminate boy or man. 2. a timid or cowardly person. 3. a little girl. Weed(n): 1. a valueless plant growing wild. 2. any undesirable or troublesome plant, especially one that grows profusely where it is not wanted. My personal favorite. The sixth definition of weed... 6. a wretched or useless animal. Monkey(n.): 3. a person likened to such an animal, as a mischievous, agile child or mimic. Suddenly, my life makes so much sense. How were you able to pick out the three words in the English language that describe the male persuasion so perfectly? So, thank your lucky stars that you were inspired. If you hadn't used those three words and in that exact order... well, I wouldn't be writing this. You'd still be the creepy girl who wants to make out with a perfect stranger. Okay, I must confess. I've had that same desire. I sat two rows in front of a boy in my class for a whole semester. I never talked to him. I would just occasionally stare...and frequently day dream about grabbing him by the head and just planting a woozer of a kiss on his sweet lips. Don't worry. I never actually gave in to my temptations. You want my advice? Calm the heck down, child. You just met the guy like five days ago. Who knows? He could totally want to be your friend, but he is probably just taking his time. Because it has only been FIVE DAYS! Do I need to repeat that? I hope not because I really hate writing in all caps. It is so annoying, but you seem like the all caps writing type, so I decided to play to my audience. I say give it some time before you talk to your friend. You don't want to make them think that you're a psycho stalker as well as this dude that has you so infatuated. I'm going to say something that I absolutely despise when people say it to me. However, when it comes to saying it to other people... well, I really don't care if you hate it. I know... it is kind of mean, but I'm kind of mean. Here it goes. You need to just let things happen. If something is going to happen, then it will. Don't try and force things. The second you try and control every little detail that is when everything hits the fan. Doesn't that just make you so frustrated?! You probably hate that I just said that to you, but like I said... I don't care. I actually feel a great deal of pleasure saying it. Usually when people are telling us that it is because it is true. Like that one time I wrote a letter to John Stamos telling him we needed to get married. That is a perfect example of me trying to force things. If I'm meant to marry Johnny boy, then I will. Until then, I will relax. I will sit at home in my wedding dress, patiently waiting while watching episodes of Full House. What can I say? That Uncle Jesse mullet really gets to me. So... for at least a couple of weeks (maybe even a month) let things just settle. Then if one day you still feel like you want to have his babies... I mean talk to him and be his friend, that is when you can talk to your friend about it. Good luck and God speed! Sincerely, Dotty Mae P.S. The creater of blogger must be a sissy weed monkey... that can be the only explanation as to why it won't put my post into friggen paragraphs.